Lolita Entangled

Alive

2011-10-24T22:37:00.001-07:00

I'm still alive & kicking. Anyone out there?

This pretty much sums it up....

2011-09-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

‎..Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.

Friends?

2011-09-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

I found this earlier, seems fitting...

Never take anyone for granted, hold every person close to your heart, because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.

I'm really really sick of fair weather friends. Who the fuck do they think they are? I've been there to listen, offered my shoulder etc, just to be ignored? What a total slap in the face. Yeah. Fuck you too.

The end

Titanic

2011-08-21T17:55:00.001-07:00

Today was my daughters first full day at home. Her best friend is here today and I cannot even begin to tell you how freaking wonderful it is to have lift in this house again!!! 10 weeks and 1 day was a very very long time for Bug to be gone but she has told me so many times how happy she is to be home. It's such a good feeling. She even told me that she missed me yelling at her! Hahaha!

We were sitting here earlier, well the girls were in the living room and I was cooking in the kitchen and they started watching "Titanic". This damn movie gets me every time. This & "The Notebook". Which got me thinking about a conversation with my mom the other day. She basically told me that I'm holding out for "Mr. Perfect" and I'm never going to find him. I guess I sort of am. I'm holding out for "Mr. Right", I don't believe in perfection other than maybe in a sunrise or sunset or a perfect photograph. People? In my mind, there is no such thing as perfect. Everyone has flaws. I just refuse to settle. I see so many people that have gotten married for all the wrong reasons or too young. People that get married bc they feel they have to. It's the "right" thing to do. Says who? Funny bc all those people that I went to school with that got married young, are now getting divorced. Hell, my own parents have a far from happy marriage.

With that being said, I'm really trying to understand why I attract the men that I attract. I attract the crazy, the married, and the emotionally unstable. If they are within a 100 mile radius- they will find me. It's a guarantee. I never get the ones that truly care. No I take that back, those are usually the married ones. If they were happy in their marriages there would be no me. Well, I'm not about to be the crutch so that they can go home and tolerate their home life. Nothing good comes of situations like that. Someone always gets hurt. I have witnessed this on at least two occasions this year. Happy people don't cheat. Sadly, I don't know of any marriages now days that one doesn't have a wandering eye. Some act on it and some don't. However, the two affairs that I have been on the sidelines watching over the past few years have ended disasterous. You can't have three people in a marriage. One is always going to get hurt. If not more.

I always wonder why I am attracted to the men I'm attracted to. Is it the challenge? Is it my fear of commitment? Is it a combimation of both? I really did like JB and to this day I don't totally understand what the hell happened but whatever. It did and so be it. Hopefully I'll have learned something from it. It was almost like an affair with the distance being the third party. Two people, 2500 miles apart that had so much in common and talked for hours each night on the phone. Plans to meet up, futuristic plans. Lots of talk. Lot of bullshit. He flipped a switch on me and I realized he wanted a robot. A Stepford Wife. Soooo not me. So never going to be me. EVER.

In other news, Bug is home from her vacation at her dad's. Nice to have her here. I missed the little shit :) Actually she's such a good kid. I can't even pretend different. She had a great time with her dad and her brother. Came back so much more mature than when she left.... Soon she'll be graduating and going to college. *sigh*

Mobile

2011-08-18T21:32:00.001-07:00

So I realized just now there's a mobile app for blogger. Interesting... maybe I'll use it more & maybe I wont. I guess time will tell

Bug comes home on Saturday after 10 very long weeks id being with her dad. I cannot wait to see her!!! Hard to believe that summer is almost over though. I really hate that because I love summer. Hate winter!!!

Been really debating on what to do with my life lately. Work is starting to suck in major way. I used to look forward to going there and now I'm just over it. Maybe Ill go to school? Idk. I wish I had more choices around here.....

Blogging

2011-05-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have often thought about blogging... what I would write about. I used to really like to blog. I used to look forward to sitting down at night and putting all of my thoughts on here. I think that changed when I realized I think I bitch too much. Maybe I don't?! Idk. Lately it feels like I do. I think I'm too afraid to go back and attempt to read anything out of fear of what I'd read. Sometimes I like to just leave my thoughts and not revisit them.

There isn't much going on in my life. I was dumped... again. *SHOCKER* Yeah, I should be totally used to this by now. For the first time in 2.5 years, I allowed myself to open up to someone and BAM! He changed on me overnight. I still don't know what happened. Someone put a status on their FB page today, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I'm really not sure I agree w/ that. I'm not sure that I really enjoy getting hurt over and over again. This is why I keep myself so totally guarded. I can say "live and learn"... but do I learn? Sure, I walk away learning something from every relationship I've been in. I can say that I learned the difference between cuts of steak from George, or I learned that it's ok to buy myself things once in a while and not spend my every spare cent on Bug.... This one... I allowed someone to finally help me around my house. I know that sounds stupid, but I did. He trimmed trees, helped me in the garage etc. Things that I normally would tell someone "no", but I allowed the help. This is something that I am not very comfortable with no matter what the circumstances. I'm not sure why this is. Why I'm so against someone doing something nice for me. I have been this way for years. Maybe because it's been thrown in my face in the past. Someone offering help and then throwing it back at me and making me feel like a horrible person for accepting it. It's something I'm working on but I have a very hard time with.... But really, is it really better to have loved? I'm not sure. I'm not sure that walking away from a relationship with a ton of heartbreak is worth the price of learning the differences in cuts of steak.

I have a friend that needs to pick her up car in VA and drive it back to GA.... this sounds appealing to me as I've never driven the east coast, only flown all over it. They happen to have a great beach house in OBX as well. That'd be a bonus for the ride back! Stop there for a few days! *HEAVEN* There is nothing I like more than a nice house on the ocean. Granted that I'd have to pray that there would be no hurricanes while I was there!!! I've been in the storms as they traveled up the coast but never right in a hurricane. I'm pretty lucky where I live. We don't have any weather issues besides snowstorms! No hurricanes, earthquakes, hell we don't even get tornado's here. Sure we have watches but the last tornado to touch down even remotely near us (aka about 3 hours south) was over 20 years ago. The perks of living on Lake Superior I guess! I think I'd take a snowstorm over some of the devastation I have seen on TV lately.

I suppose that's it. I have to go figure out how I can come up with the money to head south on a road trip!

Later bitches!

Bored

2011-03-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

Alright, I'm already bored w/ the "day" stuff. I give up. It's boring me.

I need a vacation. Like a "real" vacation. Away from here. I have options but we'll see. An old co-worker of mine moved to Vancouver and wants to rent a car and drive from there to San Diego in June. This would be the *ultimate* vacation for me. Ok, maybe not ultimate but it's something thats on my Bucket List. Someting I have always wanted to do. I think it'd be gorgeous.

Well, I see I didn't post this yesterday. How did I manage to forget to hit "post"? Oh.. now that I scroll down I see I have an error. Nice.

I donated blood today. After getting further in the process than last time I finally got into the "Bloodmobile" and told the girls the story of the last time I tried to donate... Um.. bad decision. Yet they said that had I not told them & I'd have donated they'd have had to destroy it bc I probably have a card on file somewhere that states they turned me away at some point. Nice. So here I am with perfectly good O- blood and they don't want it!? Hmmm... Ended up running to the Dr's office to get a note stating it's ok for me to donate w/ an irregular heartbeat and flew back up there to catch them before they left. Easy process, all went well until about 20 min after. I felt good so I passed on the OJ & cookies. BIG MISTAKE!!! HUGE mistake!!! Ick. I was sweating in places I didn't know I could sweat. I think the insides of my ears were even sweating. I was white as the newly fallen snow outside, and SICK. Ick. I went into the bathroom at working, thinking I had to throw up, then I thought as I was crouched down that I'd shit my pants (which I didn't). It was like I had no control over my body. So here I am, at work, laying on the nice cold bathroom floor. Then I got scared that I was going to pass out in there with the door locked and no one would find me. Finally went back to my desk only to go back in the bathroom again. Got a Sprite after coming out the second time. I felt a little better but not much. I will never take cookies & OJ for granted again!!! Gawd I felt horrible!!!! Now that I feel better, I'm proud of myself for going through with it. I'm glad that I finally sucked it up and took the time to potentially help someone. Yay me!

Time for this chick to go to bed. I'm dead tired, which is a GREAT thing considering it could be a week of insomnia!

Happy Trails my friends

Day 07

2011-02-28T17:34:00.001-08:00

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My daughter. The entire world changes when you have a child. You finally know the meaning of "unconditional love". 'Nuff said.

Day 06

2011-02-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

I'm obviously running behind & not keeping up to my end of this bargain but I have to admit, I'm doing better than I thought I would by coming back here & blogging again. I always feel better when I do. Hopefully I can get back into the habit.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Well, this sounds morbid and I realize that but I hope I never have to bury a child. Children should out live their parents, not the other way around. Unfortunately it seems to happen all to often lately. I have had friends die in car accidents, suicide, overdoses, and unfortunately a still birth etc. This shouldn't happen. I hope I never have to endure the pain the parents of these people have had to.

Today is my best friends daughters birthday party and we're going to the little ski hill to sleigh ride. I honestly have no idea why they call it a ski hill when it's more of a sledding & snowboarding hill. This will be the 2nd Annual dawning of the raspberry snowsuit as well. It's hot. Hopefully I can find my matching goggles too!!! This was from last year.

Days 04 & 05

2011-02-23T19:05:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm cheating because I forgot to log in yesterday. oops!

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I suppose I have to forgive the sperm donor and his family. I'm just not ready to. The sperm donor commited suicide when I was 16 months old. I will never understand how you can leave your child. The situation surrounding it is weird and I do realize that he was sick. You have to be sick to shoot yourself. You have to be sick to point a gun at your wife and your baby daughter. To beat the shit out of a woman. Those people aren't normal.

I need to forgive his brother as well. Forgive him for pretending to give two shits about me when I was growing up only to find out once I turned 18 that he really didn't give a shit. It was all a show for my Grandma. Well... Grandma's gone and I don't have to deal w/ that bullshit anymore. Fuck all of them. We may have the same blood in our veins but thats where it ends. A married couple with no children. Two nephews and a neice. A married couple that will be all alone in the end. No family. All. Alone. Fuck. Them. Both.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
This could be taken many ways. I'll say that 1) I'd like to travel. I'd like to go to Italy. I'd like to travel to other countries.
Another way, I'd like to know, before I die, that I've made a difference in someone's life. I made sure that I thanked one of my Grandpa's and one of my Grandma's before they died. Thanked them for what they'd taught me thoughout life, what an impact they had on me and my life and all the things that I'd learned from them. I can only hope that I have that sort of impact on someone at some point in my life too.
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Went to the farm today after work and picking up Bug. We got to see the brand new baby lamb that was born yesterday. His name is Charlie (I think) and he's sooo cute! All the animals are so happy there. K's done a great job w/her rescue. What a life she's had! You name it, she's done it. Full circle. Pretty interesting. I haven't sat down & talked to her in years but hopefully we can do that soon and she can tell me all her stories. She was a stripper, lived with the Rainbow people for a while...she's just done so much. Lived a very full life in very few years. I wish I could do that!

Later bitches!

Day 03

2011-02-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This one is tough. We've all made mistakes in life and while I'd like to say that I have no regrets, I can think of a couple. Neither of which I'm going to mention as I'd like them to just go away. What's done is done...

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In other news it was 70 last Wed & now we're back to freezing. Brrr! I'm so ready for summer!!!

Day 02

2011-02-20T18:57:00.000-08:00

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself

I love that I'm a loyal person. I am always there for my family and friends when they need me. They know this and as a result I've FINALLY figured out, over the past year, who the users are as opposed to the genuine friends/ family.

Day 01

2011-02-19T15:35:00.001-08:00

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I'm too trusting. I hate that I normally give people the benefit of the doubt before truly knowing them. As a result I have been burned numerous times. Slowly I'm learning to be a bit smarter...

All About Me

2011-02-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7ish

2. How do you like your steak?
Med Well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Little Fockers

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Grey's Anatomy, although Private Practice is getting to be *so* much better.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Italy

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Coffee

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian

8. What foods do you dislike?
Escargot, caviar... although I have never tried them, they just don't appeal to me at.all.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Depends what city I'm in. I have favorites all over. I really love Olive Garden, Hooters and Joe's Crab Shack.

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch. But depending on my taste buds, sometimes vinegar & oil with salt.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Grand Prix

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Flip flops. They qualify... right?

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Italy, the Mediterranean

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
1/2 Full

15. Where would you want to retire?
Wherever my heart is at the time. Although I would like to rent or buy an RV and travel throughout the US someday.

16. Favorite time of day?
Evening.

17. Where were you born?
Annapolis

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Hockey, Football or any sport Bug is playing.

19. Who do you think will never call you again?
I can think of a few

20. Person you expect to call you next?
Bug

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to Stealing?
N/A

22. Bird watcher?
I love birds and have feeders out for them. They're so carefree.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night.

24. Do you have any pets?
2 dogs & 3 sphynx.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
It's getting closer to flip flop weather!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Many different things- a lawyer, a flight attendant, a Medical Examiner, A Vet...

27. What is your best childhood memory?
I have many but I'll say spending the summers with my Grandma and volunteering.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Cat, dogs are a pain in the ass.

29. Are you married?
Nope

30. Always wear your seat belt?
99% of the time

31. Been in a car accident?
Too many, all minor except one

32. Any pet peeves?
Too many to even list! :) Chewing with your mouth open & smacking on gum rate very high on the list though. I cannot STAND listening to people chew. It's like fingernails down a chalkboard for me.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Hmmm... Ham and pineapple or pepperoni and pineapple or sauerkraut.

34. Favorite Flower?
Calla Lily... Although I'm not sure they're my favorite anymore. I find them unusual which is why I like them. They're very different from other flowers.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Again, tough one bc I *love* ice cream.... Mint chocolate chip, Mackinaw Island Fudge (esp Peanut Butter Mackinaw Island Fudge), Black Cherry, Butter Pecan.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
0

38. Who did you get your last email from?
Probably Blondie

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Victoria Secret or Charlotte Russe

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
No. I've become very boring. I'm bouncing off the walls ready to do *something*. Sigh

41. Like your job?
Yes actually I do, but I miss my old job every.day.

42. Broccoli?
Like it. Esp deep friend Broccoli!

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Acapulco my senior year of high school.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
I went to lunch with Blondie yesterday...

45. What are you listening to right now?
The news

46. What is your favorite color?
Red

47. How many tattoos do you have?
4

48. How many times have you tagged someone to do a meme?
No one while blogging.

49. What time did you finish this meme?
613p

50. Coffee Drinker?
One cup in the morning

Something new

2011-02-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

I've decided to try something new. I haven't been very good at Blogging in 2010 so I'm going to try something a little different that I've found. I will try to blog about something every day for 30 days--

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Happy New Year!!!!

2011-01-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

I rang in the new year at home. Boring! Bug was leaving yesterday and I had a 4 hour drive to drop her off and a 4 hour drive home so it wasn't worth my time to be in a car for 8 hours with a hangover! Thankfully, after being delayed twice over the past week- she is FINALLY with her dad.

It's also time to start my 2011 Bucket List. I find that if I make one per year instead of per lifetime I actually get a lot more done. I was able to cross a few things off last year. It's nice to say that I finally met some goals. They're not big goals but instead things I'd like to do, places I'd like to see etc. It's amazing the beautiful places we have locally that I've never been to!

Another new thing abot 2011 is the possiblity of finding love. I have been so cold and closed off for so long, maybe it's time for me to allow someone back in? It's very very hard trying to be un-guarded. I opened myself up to someonee and got completely and totally shit on. He divorced and hadn't looked back so I figured things were good. Then you find out you're being lied to and screwed around on ALL.THE.TIME. Totally not cool at all. I am NOT ok with that. (Granted I don't know of many people that would be.) Fast forward....

So now I have kind of started to someone. I think enough time has passed that I can allow myself to date someone and not be suspicious of them. I had major trust issues after George. This guy I have blogged about before, I think I referred to him as Big D so we'll go with that... So Big D & I have talked and been good friends for a few years. We are co-workers and have worked together for 7 years. We've been pretty close over the past 2 and have dicussed the attraction towards one another but we were both in bad places. Me in a shitty relationship, he in a shitty marriage with 2 small children. They have filed for divorce twice, gone through with it once only to get remarried a couple months later. About 2 years ago when they were seperated is when we realized this attraction. I refused to act on it due to my situation w/ George & his marriage. I knew my relationship was over but I didn't wnat to act on something w/ Big D bc I knew I'd be using him as a crutch. A replacement. I wouldn't be acting on genuine feelings for him but rather getting the things from him that I wasn't getting in my own relationship.

I'm not a serial dater. He is. I can't date someone for two years and then start dating someone else a few months later. I have to make sure all my feelings for the "old" person are gone. Granted his situation has been very shitty. She has done things that are inexusable and things that cannot be "fixed". He's done and over it. Seeing as he & I were good friends, I have known the ins & outs of their marriage. I don't think I've ever been friends with someone like him and then attempted to date them so it's kinda weird for me. I have a huge wall up and I need to figure out how to get rid of it bc no matter how much I try... It's still there. Is it because I don't really like him in that way? Is it because I'm scared? Is it because I'm not ready? I can't figure it out bc he really *is* one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. He's a dad to two amazing little ones. They're 3 & 5. He pretty much has custody of them. He's probably one of the most mellow people I've ever met. He's 110% honest. About everything. I know if I asked him a question, no matter what it is, but he will give me an honest answer. No lies, no beating around the bush- just honesty. He's a good looking guy. Sweet, giving guy... so WHAT is my problem? I can't say that I don't like him bc I do. I just can't allow myself to open up completely. I am trying really hard. I had gone on a date w/ another guy that my friend tried setting me up with. I really liked talking to him, emailing him etc. I met him for a beer- physically he wasn't my type but I "thought" I liked him after meeting him. Everything else about him I was attracted to. I had to go to his town one day for something and thought he was going to meet me when I got down with my stuff, yet he called & asked me to pick him up instead and take him along... I didn't want to tell him no but that put a damper on my plans and made it weird for me. After that things kinda went downhill. He asked to do things all the time and I always find a reason to tell him no. I think he'd be a BLAST to party with- I think he'd be a great friend, but as far as a lover- no. I just don't think that'd happen. Idk.... It just makes me wonder if I am sabatoging these things myself? Is it my defense mechanism??? Honestly I really like being alone. I like having my own house, my own things, my own schedule & not having to "ask" if they mind if I can go here or there or whatever. I am fully content being single. Yet, I do sometimes find myself missing him. BUT when he's here, I'm weird. WTF?! I also have a very hard time looking him in the eye- an issue I don't have with anyone else. So... yeah, WTF?

Bug's gone this week so I guess we'll see what it brings....

Flipping the world the Bird

2010-12-27T16:30:00.001-08:00

Again, it's been *forever* since I've been on here. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to say. Maybe I have too much to say and am paranoid that people will find this blog.... Idk.

We've added to the family-

I'm seriously wondering if there is something wrong with me! Two dogs and three cats.. yes I might have an issue. I may slowly be becoming "cat lady". As long as I turn out like Michelle Pfeiffer's "Cat Woman", I think I'll be ok. Although I may look a bit funny roaming around town in a black leather get-up. Although I would be HOT. lol

AG is becoming a dad. Things aren't as they once were. They haven't been in almost a year. Yet, knowing that I found out from someone else other than him... Yeah..... I have many words for that. However, none of which I've really spoke of yet. He has YET to say anything to me himself. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck says nothing directly to a person who was "like" their closest friend. I have learned that things are not always as they seem. Even with those you are closest with...

WHEN will I learn who my true friends are?

This is something I've pondered very long and hard this year. Especially since this summer. I have an idea of who my true friends are, yet like AG, who I "thought" was one of my best friends, things are not always as they seem. How do you determine who is a true friend? He had actually told another co-worker who my family has been close to instead of telling me. That says SOOOOOOO much. I have a ton of things that I'd like to say to him but why? Why give him the satisfaction? Why bother? He just walks on egg shells around me. He knows why I'm upset yet still hasn't addressed it. Seems stupid if you ask me. A simple "Hey I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself & you found out another way" would suffice. Or how about "Hey I'm sorry I'm a lying son of a bitch who you can't trust and has kept numerous things from you over the course of our 7 year friendship". How can people be such lying sacks of shit? Lies. Over and over and over. How can they continue to lie to you after you catch them in lies and they promise not to lie to you anymore?! I honestly don't know how people sleep at night. As soon as I see him I close up. My wall is up, my mouth is closed and any friendliness that I've felt towards people that day I literally feel being sucked back into my body and I become a very cold standoffish person. I'd like to punch him in the face and tell him to fuck off. I hope he has a daughter. I also hope he gains a conscience. Sometimes (more often than not) I wish I'd never met him. I find this sad as for many years I confided so much of my life into this person. We shared a lot. Thoughts, feelings, ambitions, goals... Lies. It was all one big mother fucking lie. Cock sucker.

So... many things have changed in my life. Primarily bc of AG and partly bc of another Fucktard in my life. Mostly because of lies that they have both told. They have both made me feel that I'm this horrible person. They had me questioning who I am. Questioning what I stand for. Qeustioning my actions. In the end, I know I'm a good person. I know that I'm the first one to offer a helping hand when needed. Offer the shirt off my back. Offer myself up to help with something even if I don't want to because I know it's important to that person. I started looking back. I started realizing who has been there for me and who hasn't. The list isn't quite as long as I'd thought. I always thought I had a small handfull of friends that I could rely on and trust and you know... I don't. I don't have those people. I have those people "sometimes". They have me all the time. I quit asking people to do things, I quit calling people...

Another realization- I'm single. (Duh) Single people don't get asked to do things nearly as often as couples. I have an interest in a co-worker that I took home in a drunken stupor after our Christmas party a few weekends ago and boy do the people come right out of the woodwork!!! Hey, we should get togehter & do something. All 4 (or 6) of us. Really? Fuck you people. I'm not good enough when I'm a "single" but now that I could potentially be part of a couple I'm good enough? Yeah, fuck you too. But whose the first one they call when they need to bitch about their SO? Yep, yours truly. Imagine that? I'm not good enough to call to say "Hey lets do this or that" but bwaaaah I wanna cry on your shoulder because I'm sad because my boyfriends a dick. Yeah, fuuuuuuuck you.

I need a vacation. A sunny, warm, tropical vacation. Away from these people. Away from everyone & everything here to regroup so I can slowly become megabitch again over the next.... well till I go on another vacation. This year has been the year of "I'm going to hop on an airplane & go xx for xx hours and then come home". Vegas, Atlanta, Green Bay, and various cities in my state... Hell I'm just happy to get the hell out of here even if it's for 12 hours and get away from this life and people that surround it.

I need a hobby... And a vacation... Not really in that order.

I need to try new things in the new year. I need to try to commit to something. I think I have a phobia of commitment. There must be a word for that... Commitmentphobia... imagine that?! Thank God for Google. See... not even THAT can be interesting!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo boring.

Happiness

2010-09-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

On my way to work today, the sky was starting to lighten, you could start to see the blue of the sky but far off in the distance there were big puffy white clouds on top of the mountains. I thought about what a nice picture that would be. I take a lot of pictures but until today I never thought about "why". I take them because normally, at that point in time, I find happiness in whatever I'm seeing through the screen on the camera. Something that I would like to see again later.

Just a simple thought...

Hello Friends

2010-09-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

Or lack there of!

I remember a time when I had people that actually read my blog. Maybe thats what kept me writing? Maybe not. Maybe I just had more to write about back then. Have I become boring????

Seasons are changing here. It's amazing how the leaves have turned in such a short time. It might be a good weekend for a drive to the tip of the peninsula. Gorgeous colors surrounded by the blue of the water. Perfect!

Bug's birthday is Friday. We were supposed to be out of town for a friends wedding but due to unforseen circumstances, that's not happening now. We'll have to come up with something fun to do instead. Of course I have to make cupcakes for school Friday!

I need to start working out. I want Audrina Patridge's body. Perfection! Either that or take the easy way out & meet me a good plastic surgeon!!!

Debating on Halloween costumes. I'm really not into it this year. Not like I normally am. Idk what it is.

Had a blind date set up. He pretty much ditched me. I sent a rather... to the point email afterwards. I should have let it go but you dont email someone at the time they're supposed to be getting out of work on the day you're supposed to meet them, to tell them you can't make it. I'm guessing there's a bit more to the story. He's very newly divorced so I'm thinking that has a lot to do with it. I've apologized but apparently that wasn't good enough. Maybe he's a dick & that's why he's divorced? Who the hell knows? Some day I'll find Prince Charming. Until then I'll just keep kissing frogs.

Later bitches!

Camping, beer & douchbags

2010-07-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

Went with the girls last night, pulled my neighbors camper out to another neighbors lakefront property to spend the night. We had stopped at a local bar on our way and had a few beers. Finally got out to the property and had a few with the girls there. An altercation broke out between the neighbors & I suggested to one we take a ride, which we did.

Ended up back in town at a different bar, had a few beers, rolled the dice & won a 6 pack! I *never* win anything! While in this bar 3 guys from out of town came in and I up a conversation with one. Super nice guy, said he's divorced with 2 boys. I gave him my number and away they went. They were headed to a different bar to see their friends that were playing in a band.

We headed back out to the lake and things had calmed down out there. Good times. The guys ended up calling so I met them at a bar and brought them back to the lake for a bit. He asked to see me again before he left & kissed me. Called at 430am when he got home... (lives about an hour, hour & a half away).

Today my phone rings.... "Hi Lolita, this is Katie, Josh's girlfriend, please call me back".

Ugh. WHY ME!?

She called three times. I finally text'd her and explained things and she called me back. I explained to hear what happened. Idk who to believe. Needless to say I haven't heard from him today... stupid asshole men! WHY can I NEVER meet a nice guy?! All I can think is that I'm just destined for someone better to eventually come along.

I have always said, I can attract any asshole, douchebag, cheater, or psycho within a 100 mile radius. Last night proved I still apparently have the gift.

Losers.

Weekend Update

2010-07-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

Nothing new to report really. Had a nice weekend with some friends. Went on the neighbors boat on Friday night after work for a bit. Just out into the bay. Saturday we spent pretty much all day out there and took a trip up to the canal. There are some *gorgeous* homes along the canal. I'm very fortunate to be able to live here. Maybe not so much in the winter but definitely in the summer. Although I guess instead of elsewhere in the states, all we have to worry about are snow & blizzards. Because of the lake I have never seen a tornado here, maybe a small one out in the woods away from the lake but no tornado's, hurricanes etc.

I remember when I lived away from here and would come back to visit, how it awe I was with the lake. It truly is breathtaking.

Talked to Bug tonight. She's still having fun and not ready to come home. 3 weeks & 1 day down and 4 weeks and 6 days to go... not that I'm counting or anything.... I just seem very lost this year without her.

Next weekend is girls weekend with some friends on the property they have on the lake. Should be fun. My neighbor has a camper that she's going to pull out there so we don't have to sleep in tents. Damn mosquito's would eat me alive! Should be a good time. Next Monday is my birthday although I have no plans. A few girls & I bought tickets to see Brett Michaels & Vince Niel in concert so we'll do that later in the week. That should be interesting! I haven't been back to the town the concert is in in many years. One of the girls & I used to live there after we graduated high school and I was based there after that with the airline I used to work for. I'm sure it'll bring back some memories for sure! We'll have a great time. Now I need to find something cute to wear & grab my cowgirl hat!

I'll leave you with some pics from the weekend...

I am....

2010-07-09T07:27:00.001-07:00

I am Strong because I am weak. I am Beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a Lover because I'm a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am Wise becasue I have been foolish. And I can laugh because I have known sadness

I came across this on FB yesterday. How fitting. It states exactly how *I* feel. How I'm sure many of us feels. Sometimes, many times, I think we underestimate ourselves.

I am the type of person that really tries not to judge. We all have flaws. We all have a past. Of course in some circumstances it's really hard not to and no matter how hard we try- we do judge others upon their actions, looks etc. Like the old saying goes "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

It drives me *insane* to be judged by someone that has made the same mistakes as I have, yet they feel they're superior. Perfect even. Do they forget about their past? Do they forget about the things they have done that has made them into who they are today? I think people often times forget this. I find it funny that they know that I have not judged them for their past, for their faults, yet they feel it's ok to judge me and make me into this horrible person. Why do people feel that's ok? Its NOT ok. Not at all.

I have one said friend/relative that's always been like my sister that I have rarely stood up to. I am being judged, punished even, for something that I did a year ago. Something that I deeply regretted. It severed our friendship in a major way. Things were just getting back to normal and now BAM! Here we go again. Because of this one mistake that I made, I'm made out to be this horrible person that I know I'm not. Yes, I screwed up, I admit that. But so has she. In my eyes- even more so than this little mistake that I made a year ago. I've written an email to her explaining that I realize that once again, my incident is coming between us. She hasn't talked to me in a couple weeks now because of something really stupid. I mean REALLY stupid. Stupid to the point that had this happened 2 years ago she wouldn't have thought anything of it but now because of the "incident" I'm the worst person in the world and I have hurt her so deeply... Whatever. I've always sat in the shadows. I have always let her walk all over me. Always been her door mat. Since we were little kids. She knows me better than anyone else and she knows that what she's accusing me of is asinine. Yet she's always right and too proud to admit she's sorry. I think I've gotten one apology out of her in my entire life. She's too proud. Does nothing wrong. Perfect. Her husband is the most arrogant person I know and has basically turned her into a Stepford Wife. It's almost like she has no mind of her own anymore. What he says goes. Of course it doesn't help that they consider themselves "functioning alcoholics".

Anyway, the point is that I have this very long email that I've written to her outlining all the times she's hurt me. All the things she's done to me over the years. All the things SHE has done and yet she's judging me for basically the very same thing she has done. How is that fair? I have never stood up to her. I've always backed down and walked away. In her eyes right now I'm "dead to her". Her very words. Seeing as I'm "dead to her", why shouldn't I send the email? Why should I let her pound me down one more time without standing up for myself? Would I be the bigger person just walking away from it- sure I would. BUT I think given the circumstances, it's about time that *I* stand up for myself and remind her of all the things that she has done. All the "wrongs" she has done in/to her life. All the times she's belittled me for the very same things she's done. I honestly think it's time I stood up for myself. This is an issue that's been weighing heavily on my mind since it happened a couple weeks ago. Doesn't help that we work together as well. I did close the email by saying that I hope she has a long, happy, healthy life & things in her marriage work themselves out. That I will continue to have a working relationship with her but nothing more.

I guess all I can do is take my chance on sending it. She has the choice to read it or not. I'm sure that nothing will get accomplished from it other than her hating me even more but at least I will have said my peace. Something that I have never done with her. I've always taken her shit & never dealt any back. I think it's time that I stand up for myself for once. She has to understand that HER actions hurt people as well. The world does not revolve around her and her "fantastic" (rolling eyes) husband. In reality he's the most arrogant person I've ever met. Selfish, arrogant, self absorbed person.

So on that note, I'm sure I'll be here venting about the outcome of my email & all the repercussions that will come because of it. Stay tuned....

I want to ride the Amtrak across the country... I think it'd be fun.

Boring

2010-07-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't been here since late April and come to find out the blogs that I was following are "gone". As in not on my list any longer. Oh well.

Bug's gone. Been gone for almost 3 weeks now. 3 down & 5 to go I guess. 8 weeks is a really long time when you're used to having someone with you at all times! We did do a bit of "lets hop in the car and just go" before she left which was really nice & fun. I love doing that. Not having any plans- just go. It'd really be much easier if I didn't have the animals but I do so I have to have them taken care of before we can take off anywhere. The cat is easy, leave out a few days worth of food- golden. The dogs- not so much.

We hit a neat little island about 4 hours from our house. I hadn't been there since I was 6 so that was quite a while ago. She thought it was going to be really boring but she actually had a great time. There are no cars on the island at all. Horses and bikes are the only way to get around. It's 8 miles around the island. We'd started biking it but it was getting too late and cold so we made it almost 2 miles each way. Between biking & all the walking we did, we got quite a bit of exercise in!

Before Bug left we had to travel across state for my Grandma's memorial service. Of course we had to turn that into an adventure as well, stopping here & there. It was a good time.

Now she's gone & I'm bored. I don't have George to keep me occupied like I did the previous 2 summers. I painted the front of the house. The house is red but it had a greyish lavendar color on the front which I've hated since I bought the house. I opted to paint it a golden yellow color. It's a bit more yellow & not enough gold than I wanted but it sure did brighten up the place! We also put up a nice little picket fence. I have one coat of white stain on that & one to go! The mud room is the next project to tackle bc it's just.... well... fugly and outdated. I should have done that today instead of sitting on my ass while it rained.

Why is it always nice during the day and then rain shortly after I get off of work!? WTH!? I can't complain about the weather though it's been beautiful! Sunny, warm (hot) and just a wonderful summer!

Some pics of what I've been up to because well... I really have nothing left to say. I told you, I've become boring! No love life, typical drama w/ the friends but as I said at the beginning of the year, I'm all done being a door mat. This last little episode confirmed that! Sadly its taken me almost 33 years to realize that's all I am. Oh fucking well. Good bye & have a nice life.

View of the big bridge

Our ferry to the island.
Driving over the big bridge!
Butterflies at one of the island's butterfly houses.

View from the Fort
One of the beautiful Great Lakes!
Arch Rock
Entrance to the Grand Hotel
One of 2 ways to get around the island

My new baby :) I realize it's sad that I'm excited about this but it's nice not to have to borrow one EVER AGAIN!!!! Now she needs a name!
The dome of the capital
Capital building
Bug's driveway chalk drawings... not too bad for 9 huh!?

Gorgeous sunset on the 4th

Happy Birthday America!

Later my bitches!

It's been a while.... Again!

2010-04-27T11:30:00.001-07:00

Yep, it's been quite a while again.... I just can't seem to get into it like I used to. I'd like to say it's from the lack of excitement in my life. I've turned into a rather boring person.

Last night my excitement consisted of pulling out half of the carpet and padding from the spare bedroom. It's time. I had gotten one of the dogs not long after I moved into this house and she decided that's where she'd pee in the house. GROSS! Needless to say it stunk to high hell when I pulled it out last night. Absolutely disgusting! I still cannot understand how dogs, at 2 and 3 years old, still have "accidents" in the house?! Should they not be house broken? I can leave them alone in the house for 12 hours without a single accident but overnight or if I don't let them out in time!? WHAT THE HELL!?

This sounds morbid but I think about death often lately. Not about ME dying but people in general. Life in general. My co-worker with Leukemia has been in and out of the hospital and his GVH is back again. AGAIN!!! Ugh. He used to be so healthy and full of life and to see and hear him is heartbreaking. It's almost been a year since his stem cell transplant. He had almost died once after a heart attack during surgery. He has the Dr's completely baffled because in all honesty, he should be dead. He's a walking miracle at 40 years old.

My Uncle, who was once strong as an ox, developed Scleroderma. Normally this disease attacks your skin and hardens it to the consistency of wood. Lucky guy that he is, developed Internal Scleroderma which is almost worst because it not only attacks your skin but your internal organs as well. He's gone through a year of treatment at University of Michigan and will have to continue to go once every two months (if I remember right) for the next 3 years I think. Because there is no known cure for it, he applied and was accepted into a trial where they could either do a stem cell transplant with his own stem cells or high doses of a chemo drug, Cytoxin. Because of some of the internal issues they opted for the Cytoxin. He's doing better than he was a year ago. He had gone from being 50 to 80 in a matter of a short few months. He's now getting around much better but will probably never work again.

I often think about my dear classmate who died in an automobile accident when we were younger. I attended his funeral on my 23rd birthday.

My cousin who took his own life almost a year ago.

My almost 88 year old Grandpa who lied about his age to enlist in the military and go to war. Watching his health fail and his dementia kick into overtime.

My Grandma who I lost this past December. She was a tough, extremely opinionated woman but she sure taught me a lot about life and people. I visited her every summer as a child. She might not have been overly loving towards her family but she certainly had an knack for helping those in need. Her life revolved around volunteering at her local hospital in every aspect.

Or my Grandpa who passed away a few years ago from Meslothelioma from working with asbestos for year..... and so many others that have touched my life.

I was fortunate enough to tell both my Grandpa and my Grandma how much I loved them and what an impact they both had on my life. I also thanked them for everything they ever did for me. I had closure.

I'm not sure if this makes me morbid to think about these things and have them consume my thoughts sometimes... I can tell you that it certainly makes me realize that our days are numbered and each one is a gift and not a guarantee or a right.

My parents hate when I talk to them about death. Drives them crazy. I try to explain to them that you just never know. Some people aren't meant to grow old. However, I have watched the turmoil unfold from both my Grandparents deaths. My Grandpa had everything pretty much documented & taken care of although there were issues with other things. My Grandma on the other hand had developed dementia as well and had changed her mind about things and her kids were left with trying to figure things out. I told my parents that *I* need to know what they want done should something happen to them so I'm respecting their wishes. I have told them both as well as friends what I want done with myself. Our AFLAC rep was just here last week and I took out more life insurance as well as another policy so that they don't have to worry about me should something ever happen.

Maybe it's because I'm from a small town and I am exposed to death more than the average person. After all, in a small town everyone knows everyone and I've always worked with the public. Chances are if I'm not related to them I've waited on them at some point. I guess I just want to be prepared. I want to have Bug taken care of and my parents not to worry about my funeral or finances etc. I guess you can say it's either morbid or being well prepared.

Enough of that topic. I ripped out most of the floor in the spare bedroom last night after work. I have to hurry and get the new floor laid as I'm having a Pampered Chef party on Friday. I work best under pressure!!! :)

I'm putting a white fence around my front yard. Mostly for the dogs but also for some privacy. I don't live on a main road but my road is quite busy. This will hopefully prevent people from staring in my window and I can run around naked again in my own house. Ok not really but I used to be able to in the old house. It was great. This is what I'm hoping as my finished product.

http://plantwhateverbringsyoujoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/arbor.jpg

I've been working on updating the family tree again. It goes back to 1210 in England and has 547 people on it!!! Talk about time consuming!!! I just hope that one day someone will appreciate it as much as I did! I brought it out to the family reunion last year and people were in awe of it. A couple of older ladies in the family had written away to have one "calculated" (for lack of a better word) for them. It came back with a lot of information so I figured I'd update it from there. What a task!!! Wow! I've also found more information to go with the people they had found. Quite interesting what you can find out. I know who my link is to the American Revolution should I ever want to apply to become a member of the Daughter's of the American Revolution. Pretty neat if you're into that kind of stuff.

Less than 2 months until Bug leaves me for the summer. I hate to let her go but I know that I have to. Hopefully I'll have enough summer projects to keep me from becoming a raging bitch this summer while she's gone. I do good for a bit and then lose it for the last 2-3 weeks. Hey, at least I can warn people ahead of time that it will happen!

Alright I think thats enough for now! Later my bitches!

Happy

2010-03-24T11:56:00.001-07:00

Things that make me happy-

Bug's laugh

XXX vitamin water

Sunny days and nice weather.

Vacations

Friends & Family

Seeing F&F happy

Since our spring vacation plans didn't work out I'm taking Bug to an indoor water park this weekend. It's a few hours away from our house but I know she'll have a great time! I am hoping & praying the water is warm!!!! I HATE cold water. I hate pool water! And then to think of all the little kids that will be playing in the water and pissing in it really grosses me out! :)

The weather here as been beautiful this winter and spring. I'm in love!!! Even some of my plants are coming up!!! Yay!!!!

Plans for the weekend-

Water park

Mall for shopping

Mani's & pedi's (this is Bug's new favorite thing)

Eating good food! I'm craving Olive Garden. But then again maybe we'll just order pizza to the hotel?!

Getting the rest of the accessories I need for my bathroom. I hope to God this can be done soon! I'm getting a little irritated! It's hard though bc I can't do w/o a bathroom and I only have 1 shower in my house. :(

An ass kickin' good time

2010-01-26T20:03:00.001-08:00

Wow. My Jillian Michaels dvd's finally arrived. OH. MY. GAWD did she kick my ass. Wow. I opted to do 'Banish Fat Boos Metabolism' and thought I was going to die. I had to opt out of a few of the things that she did. She is TOUGH to say the least! Wow. I think I still had sweat 5 minutes after I stopped! After I attempted to do that dvd I did the ab section on 'No More Trouble Zones'. Wow. I can totally understand how this could work sticking with it everyday. I physially couldnt' go on w/ the first one anymore bc I felt that if I stepped one more time my thighs were going to break right in half. And I consider my legs to be in good shape!!! It was nice to see the girls in the video sweating their asses off right with me. Wow. That's all I can say.

I did measure myself last night but I was highly bloated so I figured I'd do it again today. There was an inch difference in my sperm pouch area. Every inch counts!!! I was good today and didn't have salt or pop. I did have a cup of coffee and then drank my new Roobio tea the rest of the day, which is non caffinated. So far so good. Felt much better today and not so bloated. I think I've caught the culprit!!!

I'm going to enter my bathroom in an Ugly Bathroom Contest through our local tv station. Bc lets face it folks- it's FUGLY!

Still unsure of the issue from my rant the other day. Talk about being confused. Fuck. I got on the treadmill and then boxed & did sword fighting on the Wii. I couldn' figure out why the hell I was so sore the next day. I gave it my all damn it!!!

I hate winter. I'm taking a cruise the end of March/ beginning of April. I think I'm dropping Bug off at her dad's and then heading down w/ a friend. I have never been on a cruise & I think that I deserve it!!! I need to relax & have a cabana boy. Idk. Really tempted between a cruise or just going to the keys. Somehow I have a feeling a cruise would be cheaper than the keys. We'll see what we figure out! Hopefully it's HOT down there by then seeing as this winter has been soooooooooooo weird.

Speaking of, I really need to do my taxes!

Wonder if my cell phone works on a cruise or if I'm charged for roaming? Never thought of that. Roaming is my guess but then again I have my pc if I really feel the need.

I'll leave you with a pic I took on Fri.

Here's Your Sign

2010-01-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

You are a fucking idiot.

A doormat.

Those would be my signs.

No matter how much you think your "friends" are truthful to you. They're not. Fucking lying sacks of shit. I swear to God that I have "Please fuck me over" written some where on the outside my body so that anyone of the male species says "oh there's an easy target".

Nevermind that he's been a part of your life as a friend and otherwise for about 6 years. The one man that you thought you could trust. Keyword being THOUGHT.

The one that knew you better than anyone else & would never judge you. The one you could tell anything to.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck the friendship we had. Fuck the high & mighty life you pretend you lead. You're a piece of shit. You're a fake. How the fuck do you sleep at night?

You're the opposite of everything I thought you were. Fuck you. Fuck the strong I thought that you were. You're not strong at all. You're weak. Only a fucking coward could act the way you have.

Fuck the excuses, the promises that you claim to have made. Fuck the advice you give me. The high & mighty life you lead. If the people that look up to you only knew!

Evil. You're evil.

You played with my emotions. You fucked with my heart. You fucked with my head. YOU are an asshole. It amazes me so fucking much that someone that I once loved, as recently as this morning, that I could feel so much hated and deceitfulness for right now.

Fuck the I love you's, fuck the horse you rode on in. Fuck your friends too. Fuck your secrets.

I am such a fucking fool. I vowed w/ this new year I wouldn't be a door mat anymore and you agreed with me. You said it was a good thing. You were pissed off over the ex fucking Asshat & how he didn't deserve me. Yet YOU, Mr Fucktard Asshole did the SAME FUCKING THING to me. I hate you. Why can you do that to me yet he can't?! Why is it ok for you to lie to me but it wasn't ok for him? Do you think you're God? Who the fuck do you think you are?!

I thought I had an idea of who you were. Little did I know that I have no idea at all. You admitted you're fucked up. I thought it was bc of different reasons. Little did I realize this was the reason. What tangled webs we weave my friend. How do you sleep at night? Thats' right you don't. You have no morals at all. What do you have? You have ice for blood in your veins and an artificial heart to pump it through.

Heartless Coward.

Lying bastard.

You're a cruel person.

How can you inflict pain on people and still walk around breathing, laughing & enjoying your life?

War was probably an easy way out wasn't it? Deployment was the easy option. You're still a coward.

Fuck you. You were my McDreamy. We had a relationship like Callie & McSteamy. Yet you turned out to be nothing but an Alex. You're a dick. User. Womanizer.

You don't think of anyone's feeling but your own. I hope your head, heart and especially your dick is happy you fucking loser. You fake.

Ugh

2010-01-19T21:33:00.000-08:00

I *really* need to do my taxes.

And book a vacation.

I'd like to go to Vegas or Miami if Bug goes to her dads over break from school. If not, then I'm debating on FL again or possibly to visit friends in AZ.... All I know is that I *need* to get out of here for a few days. I am dying to feel sand between my toes & wear my flip flops. Oh how I miss my flip flops!!!!!

Damn winter. I hate you. Although I have to admit it really hasnt' been so bad. We had a blizzard right before Christmas and this past weekend it was in the 50's! This week/ weekend we're in the 20's & 30's with no snow till Sunday so I can't complain too much.

Now if I can just get that sauna built!!!

I think I'll let Bug skip her meeting w/ Jesus tomorrow. She skipped last week too. We had a reason then, a funeral. This week we have no excuse. I may have things to do after work & she can stay at a friends for a bit if she wants. Although I'm sure things will fall through. They always do. One of these days I'm bound to have something go my way right? Right.

I love my new straightener.

I need a new toy.

Taxes still aren't done.

I baked a gazillion fucking cookies tonight for Bug's bake sale tomorrow.

I really wish my sauna was built already.

I should paint my living room again. I need a color that goes w/ my red & gold curtains. Because I love them & dont' want to get rid of them.

Still need to touch up on my bedroom & get new furniture. The brown wood doesn't go. Need black.

Jimmy Fallon just said a guy bit off a cops nipple during a fight outside a bar in Chicago. WHAT THE FUCK!? Is Mike Tyson on the loose again? I'd like to meet Jimmy Fallon.

I'm sad that Conan is leaving. I love him.

This post is extremely random. This is how my brain works on a *daily* basis. Imagine being me! I need to stop analyzing everything. But I think it's funny that I remember how to write analyze bc it starts with "anal" and followed by a "y".

I hate Bejewled Blitz. I play far too much of it bc I'm addicted & weak.

Still not sure I love my Droid. I loved it at first but I think we have now developed a love/ hate relationship with one another.

Does anyone stay faithful anymore? I wonder if they did back in the 50's when life seemed so good & Suzy Homemaker was in the kitchen. Wonder if the milkman or the paperboy really did visit during the day?

It sucks how people retire & then either they or their spouse get sick and die. Makes you wonder if working is really worth it? Makes me want to home school Bug and hop in my car and just go. I miss flying.

I miss the smell of the ocean. Or when the lake wasnt' frozen even though the water is too cold to do anything in. I like listening to the waves.

Alright, enough of my chaotic mind.

G'nite bitches.

Weekend Update w/ Lolita

2010-01-17T18:41:00.001-08:00

Lucy and I decided on a night out of town. Well, in the neighboring town. I got a wild hair up my ass that I wanted a new tattoo. Decided on the Kanji/ Japanese character for "Strength" on one wrist & "courage" on the other. Consulted my friend who teaches Japanese in Australia to make sure they were correct. Well "strength" is 1 character while "courage" is 2. Hmmm... Didn't want to look lopsided. Then remembered about a year ago I thought it'd be funny to get a rabbit on my pubic bone so I could have a "pubic hare". :) There is actually symbolism behind the rabbit as well. Western Europen Rabbit Symbolism-Rabbit (Coinean) and Hare (Gèarr) are symbols of fertility, intuition, rebirth, promise, fulfillment, and balance. He is the Goddess’ creature and represents the Moon, night and dawn. is also associated with abundance, rebirth and release and is symbolic of the ‘tween times, dawn and dusk.

So I have no desire to be fertile, however I do need balance in my life and in a way I guess I feel "reborn". Or maybe in a transition to change many things in my life. I am doing things to fulfill my OWN needs now and not everyone else's for once. I wanted "strength" on my wrist to remind myself every time I doubt myself. I *am* strong. I have been through a lot & I have prevailed. I have doubted myself, I have shed many tears on the decisions that I've made, I have been tangled and torn within myself, but I always come out on top. I wanted "courage" to remind me that when I don't think I have the strength to do something- I have the courage to do it. I often times forget this and I often times doubt many of my actions. Funny, the other day as I'm explaining my tattoo theory with a childhood friend, she stopped me and said "Really? You're one of the strongest people I know". That actually shocked me bc I don't view myself being that way and I certainly didn't think she viewed me that way. Makes you wonder how people really see you & what they really think of you... At least I guess that made me think.

So anyway, we leave the ink shop & decide to go across the street for some really good (potent), big drinks. I had one. Lucy had one & a beer I think. Ran into a couple guys that I work with and then headed to another bar where I decided to "boobie dive" into Lucy's boobs. Well, little did I realize that I was farther away than what I thought. Instead of landing in her boobs I landed wedged between her & the bar. This was my result.

The color is coming out nicely today. Yesterday it was pretty faint. I have to laugh bc it takes a lot for me to bruise. I told her I have the Aurora Borealis on my arm today! Hahaha!!!! I am so special.

Back to work tomorrow. Yay. (*rolling eyes*) AG's finally back. It's nice seeing him every day again.

2010-01-13T07:07:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe that it's been three long years since my Grandpa passed. I often times think about how much fun he'd have with his great grandchildren now that they're at the age to really do things. Bug *loves* to snowshoe- one of his favorite past times. I also bought her some cross country skis this year. He'd have fun taking her hiking up into the mountains.... I know he's still with us in spirit but I can't help being selfish and wanting him physically here. Like everyone else that has lost a loved one.

Bug and I went to FL last spring during her time off from school to see our Grandma. (Different side of the family.) She has since passed as well, as of Dec 04, 2009. She was a very special woman to many people and helped volunteer is so many ways and for so many different organizations. She will be missed by so many people. She was a school teacher before getting into volunteering at her various places that always kept her occupied. I learned so many things from this spectacular woman. Compassion and selflessness probably being the two most important things. I'll never forget when I was around 15 and she took me to a soup kitchen w/ the Kiwanis. That day, seeing all the people that were less fortunate than I was, really changed my life. As a teenager with parents that didn't have a lot of money to buy my sister & I brand name clothes, I realized that day that I was so much more fortunate than those people I was serving food to. The adults not being able to provide food on the table, the children that went without so many things that I had and took for granted. I only went there with her once but it was enough to open my eyes. In the area that I live, it's a very small community. I'm sure we have homeless somewhere but you don't see them. I cannot name one single person that is homeless here. I know that time to time we have women and children staying at the shelter home but that is normally due to a domestic dispute of some sort. Coming from a small community of mostly white & native american people and then going to a city where you see such a diverse group and get to meet so many different types of people fascinated me. I know many people that have never traveled more than three hours away from here. They like to stay in their "safe zone" because they're so afraid to leave the safe confines of their home base. It's sad really.

I will be attending a funeral later today for my Aunt's brother who drown in a local hotel's hot tub on Friday. Very tragic. Fortunately, they think he was drunk, passed out and never felt a thing. Still, at 39 years old, it's a tragedy.

But, given all these depressing events that I'm writing about today, I look out my office window and see blue sky which makes me happy. It gives me hope for brighter days and the future.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." -- James Dean

--

Happy New Year!!!

2010-01-10T19:48:00.001-08:00

It's a new year & I've done a lot of reflecting in the past few months. I have decided that I need to stop being a door mat for those that feel they need someone there for them only for their own benefit but opt to not help you out at all in return. Opt to not be there when you need them most. I have really learned who my true friends are. During the death of my Grandma, the ones that I "thought" would be there, the ones that I felt I could talk to and lean upon were no where to be found. I got a simple text message or a facebook message saying "I'm sorry about your Grandma". How fucking impersonal is that? When its times that you need people the most... thats when you realize how true they are to you. Especially when they know how much my Grandma meant to me. How much she taught me in my life and about life in general.

I'm grateful for the wonderful friends that I have that have showed me that they are there for me when I need them most. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a pounding head to treat when I'm pissed off and yelling.

Since Oct I have reconnected with another old friend from childhood. It's nice to see how we can just pick up where we left off.

George & I are no longer together. He is another story that I don't care to blog about bc he is no longer a part of my life & honestly, I truly despise him.

So I've decided that instead of doing a life long Bucket List I am going to start one for each year. I'm going to do this instead of New Years resolutions. So far I'm doing well.

I haven't smoked in a week (ok I cheated yesterday once but I have NO desire to smoke at all and the smoke actually drove me nuts. I'm actually a total hypocrite bc I hate smoke.
Stop letting "friends" walk all over me. (I'm doing very good with this as well. Sucks when one has always been like a sister to you. Closer to me than my own sister.)
Exercise. I've been doing really well. Well except in the past few days. I have been cross country skiing (bought myself & Bug a set for Christmas). I lugged the treadmill in the house & set it up. It's old but hell it's a treadmill. I have also been trying to do 30 min on the Wii fit a day. So far I'm doing well. I'm not really focused on losing weight bc I really don't need to. I'm not overweight by any means. I'd like to firm & tone. That's my goal. Since I started this the last week in Dec I have noticed a significant change in my legs, which really don't take much to tone at all. My arms & back are starting to get better but my stomach is the issue. Ick. I'm working on it though. I am going to give it a real try. For once in my life- a real try. So far I'm seeing changes but I think I should measure just to see. I did measure my waist and was floored at how big it is for my little body. No one ever believed me before. Well now I have proof! :) So I guess we'll see how things turn out. Wish me luck!!!
Vacation. I desperately want a vacation this year. I would love another like Bug & I went last year but I'd also love one with just the girls this year. I guess we'll see what happens if she goes to her dads over Easter vacation. It's hard to just plan without anywhere for her to go while I'm gone. My parents live too far out of town to bring her to school every day. This is on the list.

I bought myself a new camera for Christmas as well. Another Nikon & I *love* it.

I had bought the other touch screen that Nikon has but it didn't do what I wanted it to. My "old" Nikon was more sophisticated than that one so I sucked it up & bought this one and boy am I glad that I did!!! It's beautiful! And yes, of course I had to get it in red. :)

I have a potential date for this weekend. But it's with a co-worker and I'm not quite sure about it. He's in the middle of a divorce, which will be done soon I think. This is the 2nd time they've filed. I think it should be more of a friend thing than anything else to be honest. I'm not sure I'm ready to date. Or maybe I'm just not that into him? I was a year ago. I thought he was really cute & all American boy type but then I got to know him and I'm just not sure. I know that he'd do anything in the world that I asked of him. I'm just not sure he's for "me". If it doesn't pan out then is it going to be weird at work? Is it going to ruin the friendship we have? Ugh... Idk. I hate those types of situations.

So with those words I shall go off to bed now. I am going to try to blog more these days. I think I need it. I feel better when I can come here & vent. Whether anyone reads it or not- I don't know and it doesn't matter.

2010 is the year for ME.

Something new...

2009-09-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have much to say lately. I'm thinking maybe I'll attempt to post a picture a day for a year. We'll see if that's something I can stick to! :)

Bug's first day of school was today. She was quite excited about it. The weather has finally been half ass nice. Nothing like summer in September!!!

Sooo...

2009-07-15T20:35:00.000-07:00

Bc I HAVEN'T been on here in forever I didn't know that I can now blog via email. How f'n cool is that?! We may be back in business people. One never knows. :)

Wow

2009-07-15T20:15:00.001-07:00

Wow it's a been a really really long time since I've been here. Probably bc I really have nothing nice to say and too much to bitch about so I've just been keeping to myself.

Bug's been gone for a month. One down & one to go.

Summer sucks this year. WAY too cold! I need a way to find Al Gore & tell him I think his global warming stuff is a crock of shit bc it certainly hasn't affected (or is it effected?) us here!

Beer sounds good.

I like to Tweet now that I've figured out how to use it from my phone. They blocked FB from work so my phone has become my lifeline to the outside world while I'm at a desk waiting for the phone to ring.

Tomorrow is the 9 year anniversary that a dear friend of mine passed way. I miss him each and every single day.

I'm out.

Life

2009-05-10T19:57:00.001-07:00

Not until I logged into this account today did I realize that I haven't posted in a little over 3 months. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't think I have anything to say but random jibberish that you've heard over and over again? I have no idea.

What is life? What is death? In the past week I have asked myself those questions many times over. I've asked why? I've gone over and over inside of my heart and mind "why"? What could I have done different? Nothing. We all have a fate. We all have a destiny. I firmly belive that when each of us are born, we're born with a "plan". We don't know it nor does anyone else.

When you go to a funeral, that person you see, laying to peacefully, so blankly.... They're not a person anymore. There is no soul there. Their personality is gone. I have yet to be at a funeral or a wake that a person actually looked like themselves. We grieve for that "person" we see laying there but that "person" is gone. Everything is gone. All that is left is their shell. It makes me wonder why people choose to do open casket when it looks nothing like the person we all know and love, yet at the same time I understand. For me, tonight was not about closure. Tonight my head was still full of random blah blah and "why?" I will never have an answer to that. No one will.

I told my Aunt this evening after someone wished her a Happy Mother's Day, "Wow, Mothers Day will never be the same" and she said "I find it fitting. He made me a mother so without him I woudn't have had mothers day and we said goodbye on Mothers Day." How does someone be so strong? I cannot fathom burying my child. I cannot imagine, nor do I really want to. Here you have this woman saying things to me that make sense. SO much sense... How can a Mother be so strong? How can she find that silver lining that I have been searching for for a week? Today, I have learned more about life and being a mom than I ever have. Tonight, my Aunt taught me what being a mom is all about. I don't know how to repay her for that. I cannot begin to even type what I'm feeling.

We do things in life, we make decisions every day that impact not only ourselves but so many around us. When things happen in life we always want to place blame. We want to have a reason, we want to be able to point our fingers at someone so we have a bit of closure. I had to explain to a friend of mine today that exact thing. We want answers, however we have to undersand that there are no answers. We have to accept that. We all have minds of our own, we all make decisions on our own. No one makes them for us..... Yet people want to place blame. They HAVE to place blame. Why? Why is that?

Why? Is the most unanswered question on Earth. It is a question to which I have very few answers for.

All I hope for is that I live my life to it's utmost potential. I never want anyone in my life to ask "why?". I never want those in my life to question my feelings for them.

I explained to my daughter today that she is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I go to bed at night. She's the reason I live. I love her more than anything in my life and I love her more than I can explain. I told her that one day she'll understand and she will remember this moment...

And I also learned today how strong people are... If only we all had that outlook on life.

Cheers Jesse! You will never know how much I love you and how much you meant to so many people!

I'm back...

2009-01-27T17:07:00.000-08:00

Ok folks. I'm back. Back in the "good" frame of mind... or so I think anyway. I could be wrong. It could be a fluke. But day by day it's all getting better. Clearer. My heart still hurts but the pain eases daily. I still feel as though I have lost my best friend. I guess that's the risk you take when you decide to date a friend. For a year and a half he was my very best friend. The one that I laughed with and shared every aspect of my life with. So in a way... I feel as though I'm in mourning. He did call on Sunday. I'm not sure why. I was in the middle of gutting/rearranging/painting the pc/3rd bedroom (which is looking good I might add!)

AG leaves tomorrow. He text'd me quite a few times today. I miss him terribly. 2 months down and 10 to go I guess. It will be interesting to see what this deployment brings. I'll leave it at that for now.

I had a planning meeting last night for a family reunion! First one in 22 years!!! Heard to believe that I was Bug's age at the last one and my mom was my age! Wow. Surely there will be so many people that I haven't met or seen in years! My family is very large. My Grandpa was the youngest boy out of 10 siblings that lived. There are only 2 of them left now. The oldest girl, who I believe just turned 95 or 96? And my Grandpa who turned 86 this summer. Amazing. I'm setting up a website with the help of some friends that own a web design business around here. It's actually just a very simple free template but they're going to spruce it up for me! I have great ideas and I hope I can make them come to life! I think a family website will be a great way for the family to connect. The younger generation anyway. Most everyone now days has a computer and Internet. We rented a place outside of town on the lake to hold the reunion. It was a summer home of Henry Ford. Interesting story there because a relative of ours, George B. Selden, actually invented the car before Ford did. George had the patent first. Anyway, so we're taking the place back from Ford- if only for a weekend. It's a gorgeous house that has been bought and sold many times over the years. It's right on the lake near a sawmill that Ford owned to build his vehicles. Neat little town. There are only a few people that live there now. Literally a handful. Growing up a friend of mine and her family lived in the old school house. Or maybe it was the house that the teachers lived in? I'm not sure. Ford had constructed some school houses there which still stand today. My high school English teacher had purchased a couple of them as they were directly across from his house. He preserved everything in them. It was really a neat thing to see. There's a very old cemetery there as well as some other very very old buildings from when it was a booming little place. I would imagine they were maybe stores of some sort. Now it's nothing but a ghost town. For being a small area, we do have some history here!!!

So anyway, I'm trying to gather up information for the website and trying to get as many old pictures of the family as I can gather. I'm hoping other family members will have pictures that have been passed down to them as well and they can either email them to me or upload them directly to the site. I hope to gather a lot of information so that when I'm old and my Grandpa is gone, we will have this history to pass down generation to generation. I'm the buff in my family but I like to know where I came from ya know? I find it very intriguing!

I'm sick of snow. I'm sick of cold. Ick.

Went out for a bit on Friday night. Had a good time for the most part. A friend of mine and her daughter spent the night here so it was so nice and relaxing to have a girls night for once! I needed it to say the least. Whoa, single again!? Here we go again. Party girl come on down!!! Now I can go back to dancing on chairs and doing exactly whatever I want because damn it- no one can tell me I can't! I don't have to worry about something I say or do is going to upset or piss someone off. That's the upside! The downside is that my heart still hurts. Dumb I know but I can't ignore it either. It's all a part of healing.

Well friends, I must go and help Bug study for a test. I just gave her a break so I have to go back to helping now.

Cherri-o!

Fear

2009-01-22T19:04:00.001-08:00

Often times I find myself blogging in my head. Thinking of things that I would write had I been sitting at a computer at the time. However, lately I find that when I sit down to blog I have nothing to say. Nothing that would interest anyone. I'm feeling a bit worthless these days.

A friend recently posted a thing on FB "25 Random Things About Me" and you know what? I tried and I cannot come up with anything interesting pr random about me. Maybe to someone who doesnt' know me- they may find me interesting. To others, I feel I'm someone that just tends to fuck of the lives of others as well as my own. Someone told me that once. "You fuck up everyone's lives you come in contact with." The older I get, the more I start to believe that. As pathetic as that is. I fear that my daughter will grow up to resent me for moving her half away around the country when I left her father. I fear that when she grows up she will leave me to move closer to him.

I can't hold a relationship if my life depended on it. They all end the same way. Do I change or do they change? Do we both change? Do we both just grow apart? I know I did change with this one. I felt I had do. I felt that after a certain point in time I couldn't be "me" anymore. He left. He's gone. *I* changed. I wasn't fun anymore. Is it possible to still have those butterflies after looking someone in the eye year after year? I fear I will never know. I fear that I will die an old lady- alone. The one that, in this small town, everyone will wonder why she never married. Was she a lesbian? Did she lose her love years ago and just not get over it? I can hear the whispers at my funeral when I'm old and gray. I fear that the only unconditional love I will ever feel is from my daughter.

My life certainly didn't turn out how I envisioned the first 1/3 of it to go. But does anyone's go according to plan?

I fear that I'm not making the most of my life. But I'm afraid to do the things I really want to do bc I'm afraid of having to start all over again. I don't want to be stuck here because there's nothing here for me but I'm afraid to leave bc where will I go? Will Bug be better off here around family & friends or somewhere new where she knows no one? I dont want to do that to her.

I question who my true friends are. Do we honestly have any true friends? There are times recently where I've felt that I really could have used a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand. Instead, I sit here and cry because I don't want to bother anyone with my problems out of fear that they've heard it a million times and are sick of hearing it (ok.. unless I'm drunk-- you know who you are). I probably don't blog for that same reason even though there are only about 3 people that even read this.

I need a vacation. I need to regroup myself. I need some "me" time but I don't think I know how to do that. I'm afraid if I take "me" time people will see that as me being a bad mom. Idk. I've spent so long only thinking of my daughter that I don't know how to think of myself. I don't really go anywhere w/o her, I don't buy things for myself unless I absolutely have to. I need things but I feel that she needs them more. Then again I guess that's what happens when you live paycheck to paycheck.

I guess that's all I have to say. I have a ton of thoughts running through my head but I find lately that when I get into this mood I get distant towards everyone bc I don't want to burdeon them. Everyone else has problems too and why would they want to listen to me talking like a broken record? This is me. This is my life. It's expected.

I'm positive that I am not supposed to have the happy ending, just the so-so ending.

Happy December!

2008-12-18T19:20:00.001-08:00

Ugh, what a month its been! Busy busy busy. Drama, drama, drama. Honestly one person can only do so much.

So this is the latest & greatest news I have-- I'm an Auntie again!!!! He's the cutest damn thing you've ever seen!

One of my very good friends was deployed. Well he's in MS for training right now. They'll be home at the end of the week for a few days before heading back to MS and then will shortly after deploy to Afghanistan. Yuck. I will miss him dearly. But that's a post for another time.

I got a new tattoo. Did I post on that yet? I can't remember it's been so long.

Got my Christmas tree up. Nothing about my family is traditional so why should anything else be? I thought we'd try something different this year.

So the tree is up, the presents are all (almost) bought. I have no idea what to get George. What do you get a guy that has everything!?

I guess that's all I really have for now. Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra here! I need to do something to warm up! Ugh.

Alive

2008-11-04T19:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not dead. Just had WAY too much fucking shit going on recently. To take out my aggression I ripped out all the carpet in the living room, hallway and tonight, the kitchen. I (with some help) have had the wood laminate installed in the living room & hallway so now only the kitchen is left. Debating on how I'm going to handle this. In a nutshell, George has told me he's done. Just done. BUT he wants to help me finish the floor.... WTF?! FUCK YOU. "We can be friends". Uh no, WE cannot be friends at this point in time. *I* cannot be his friend. I cannot see him out and be "ok". He never stays single long and I guarantee if he's not already "talking" to someone or has someone in mind he will w/in a month. That's the way he operates. I told him to find some 21 year old that likes to party all the time bc that's what his life is turning into. I hope he knocks her up too. (Ok I take that back- THAT would seriously kill me. THrow me right into a tailspin... that would not be good.) Anyway, fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck it all. So in the meantime I shall rip things up in my house. It keeps me occupied I guess. Although I'm running out of things to do.... I chopped my hair off during a crisis a few months back so I don't want to go any shorter there.... So... HELP!!!

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
And do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside, said I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
Just to know I'm alive

I wanna live, just to see the day when we all get along
I wanna scream, scream my song out loud for everyone to hear

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
And do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

And you know the pain, that brought you here today
So what can you do
And you know the tears, for losing those you love when yesterday is gone
So please remember not to waste another day, not to worry your mind
And please forgive me for taking so much time to get back on my feet

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

And I'll fight it out 'cause I know I can
And I'll sleep tight 'cause I know you're here, no, no
I won't surrender

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, This is to all of us

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon (x2)

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell 'cause I'm dying

The DREADED word......

2008-10-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

"FRIENDS"

Can someone please explain to me how the fuck you're supposed to be "friends" with someone you're in love with!?

Each day is a gift that sometimes we take for granted

2008-10-02T16:53:00.001-07:00

This song REALLY hit me today. I blogged a while back about a friend of mine that is very sick w/ Leukemia. I'm happy to say that as of early last week he is 100% cancer free and the transplant was a success!!! Now on to the bad news... he's had every single ailement he could possibly have. He's had every "thing" that could possibly go wrong-- actually GO wrong. He has had a blood disease that only 1 in 8 MILLION people get. Yep, he was one of the lucky ones. He also has Graft vs Host disease. He has had blood clots, stomach problems, the list goes on. He can't keep any food in. He's on a ton of morophine as well as opiates for the pain. Half of the time he doesn't even know if his wife is there or not. She had chosen to come home for a few days on Sunday night. He found out about the Leukemia in early April and they left for the hospital which is 8 hours away in May. They have 2 children that have been living w/ relatives during this time. He was supposed to come home mid-September but that obviously didn't happen. He's far too sick. He's about 6'1 or 6'2 and is now down to 160 or so pounds. VERY thin for a man his height. He's always been a thin person but I cannot imagine physically seeing him right now. Not long ago his eyes were swollen shut, he's lost all of his hair. When he's done with all of this and well again he has to go through all of the immunizations just like a newborn baby because he will have zero immune system. Isn't that crazy? I dont know how many blood transfusions he has had in the past 5 months. It's just absolutely crazy.

Anyway sorry for the tangent. His wife came home on Monday to see the kids etc and got a call last night. He was full of infection so they'd pumped him full of antibiotics and had to put him on a respirator to help him breathe. I cannot fathom what they are going through. His wife and sister left last night and his brother (who happened to be a PERFECT bone marrow match which is almost unheard of for a sibling to match like that. The Dr said it was almost like they were twins!!!) and wife left either last night or today as well. I feel so bad. I can't explain the feeling I have. When I heard the word "respirator" today, my heart sunk into my stomach and I literally felt so sick. Respirator is never a good thing. However I guess he does know that his family is there so that's a really good sign. I just hope and pray to God that he makes it through this. We need him. His family needs him. He's only 37 years old. FAR too young to be so sick. THat family has had such bad luck with things in their lives. Their children have been so sick. When he called me to tell me that hsi brother was a perfect match- he was crying so hard. He was so overjoyed.... And now this. We knew the road would be long and hard but I don't think I was prepared for just how sick he would get. How close to the brink of death he would be...

It's times like this that make you sit and and realize that YOUR problems could be so much bigger than they really are!!!

So today while I was at work listenting to my Sirius over the net, this song came on and I immediately thought of him. Listen to the words of the song and tell me what you think... It really makes me think about all the things I take for granted on a daily basis.... Very sad.

Ok... now on to some fun stuff, bc I'm far too depressed now.

What's the last pill that you took?
My anti-baby pill

You're currently listening to
Thriving Ivory- Angels on the Moon

What are you feeling right now?
They keys underneath my fingers as I type.

Are you happy with your life right now?
Now that I'm thinking about it-- yes I should be.

When was the last time you smiled?
Remembering when said friend above and I had permanent marker fights at work.

First person you talked to today?
Bug

What are you NOT looking forward to?
Work tomorrow.

Are you a forgiving person?
I need to learn to NOT be so fucking forgiving.

Do Italian/French/Spanish accents turn you on?
Oh Italian for sure. Bug's dad spoke 5 languages and Italian BY FAR was my favorite. SEXY!!!

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
No way but I do hate the girl that called me at WORK yesterday to discuss her psychotic boyfriend!!!! I mean AT WORK!? Do people not know I have a HOME phone? Fucking bitch.

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Actually sang "to" me? Twice and both times it was so completely gay I did all I could not to laugh and tell them how ridiculous they sounded bc they sucked. I didn't have the heart to tell them.

Who is the first girl you'd go to if you were mad?
Last night it was Vix and THANKS BABE!!! You rock!

Why is your relationship status the way it is?
Because he thinks my tractor's sexy... it really turns him on

Who do you dislike currently?
That dumb bitch that called me at work yesterday and just about everyone that's involved in her life.

Where do you plan on living when you grow up?:
Oh I'm NEVER growing up. Toys 'R Us said I didn't have to. I keep my membership w/ them current.

Ever been in a perfect relationship?
Perfection is boring, if I'm in perfect relationship that means I have virtually nothing to look forward to.

Do people hate you?
Ya I'm pretty sure they do but I sleep well at night so I'm ok with it. Those to matter dont' mind and those who mind don't matter.

Have you ever felt replaced?
Of course. All the time. However I know that *I* can never really be replaced or duplicated :)

Do you say sorry first?
Depends what I did and how bad it was...

Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?
Which ex? The one I've been dealing with recently-- I'd tell him the cops are on their way and secretly hope I can get away from him before he kills me.

If you were to die today would your life be complete?
No, because I wouldn't live to see my child grow up or meet my grandchildren.

Do you think you're approachable?
Most of the time. Unless I give you my "fuck you" look. Then it's normally not a good time. :)

Do you get offended easily?
Ya I get offended about 1% of the time.

If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
Oh I sure as fuck would right this very minute. Although I know how lonely it is when you move somewhere new and you virtually know no one.

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend?
Depends which best friend. There's one that I tell absolutely everything to, well maybe 2 but then I have other best friends that I have learned I can only tell certain things to for different reasons.

Do you miss anyone?
Sure.

Do you have alcohol hidden in your room?
Ummmm.... what am I? 12?

Have you ever been paint balling?
Nope but I've been lazer tagging and was going to go cow tipping once!

What do your friends call you?
Whatever they want.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?
Oh if you only knew! Lets just say you're *really* lucky I didn't go off on that tangent. There isn't enough web space!

Who was the last person you ate with?
Bug

How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?
A lot. Thousands.

Anyone you want to forget?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did it once I can do it again!

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to?
I feel most comfortable blogging which is why my rants are usually wrong and jump from subject to subject.

Do you plan on moving in the next year or two?
I dont' *plan* on moving but life is unpredictable.

Do you wake up cranky?
Almost every day. I am NOT a morning person-- at all. Bug knows this but yes feels that she has to wake me up before 8am on the WEEKENDS to ask me something completely DUMB.

Do you hate when people smoke around you?
I am actually a smoking hypocrite and I admit it. I normally don't smoke unless I'm in a social setting or have a beer in my hand. I HATE the smell of it and the way I feel and my clothes etc. I have to take a shower after the bar and the bars around here are HORRIBLE!

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
Mom

Are you taller then your mom?
Believe it or not I am about 2 in taller! :)

How tall are you?
*almost* 5'2". My Grandma was about 4'10"

Have you ever broken your arm?
Can't say that I have. Thank God.

Do you trust anyone?
Very very few.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Ugh... That's tough. I'm getting better at becoming a cold hearted bitch but when I explode-- watch the fuck out.

Do you wave when you see people you know?
I try but I dont pay attention when I drive bc I do too much thinking.

What color is your cell phone?
Green!

Something different today...

2008-10-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

Do you think your wasting your time on the person you like?
Hmmmmm... I'll figure it out sooner or later

How many people have you kissed in 2008?
1

Can you fill this out without lying?
You'll never know.

Is there anything you want to tell somebody?
Oh hell yes! And I did just that this weekend! Go me! Dumb bitch.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a T?
I'm sure I have. I'm like that.

Name some people that made you laugh yesterday?
The re-telling the story of my weekend to my Aunt. I guess I was more laughing at the expense of others rather than something that was actually "ha ha" funny. After all, isn't making fun of others what it's all about anyway!?

How late did you stay up last night and why?
I freaking fell asleep during my show and then woke up at 130am and couldn't fall back alseep.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I really miss Chicago but I always liked N&SC.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Oscare the Grouch but Beaker and the Swedish Chef are just around the corner.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Depends on the ex and whether I dislike them or not.

Where is your biological father right now?
Sperm donor is dead.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
George... I think.

Was yesterday better than today?
Hmmm.. In a way I guess so but my week so far as been actually uneventful.

What are you listening to?
Bug yelling at the dogs and the dogs wrestling. Oh wait, now Bug's singing.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
With the right person they can be.

Last time you spent the night at someone's house?
Couldn't tell you but had a nooner at someone else's recently.

When was the last time you were sad?
Pfffffffffft.... Now I'm just bitchy. :)

What are you wearing?
A purple leotard, zebra print leg warmers and a neon green tutu

Where do you wish you were right now?
A tropical island w/ my own personal cabana boy

Is anything bothering you right now? If so, what is it?
Dumb stupid cunts. I HATE dumb people. Douchbags.

Night out or night in?
Depends who it's with and what the plan is

What items could you not go without during the day?
My car, it'd be one LONG ass walk to work and lets face it-- I'm just *that* lazy. I'd rather call in sick.

How do you feel about your life right now?
Every day above the ground is a good day right? And I don't live in a cardboard box.. starting to get cold here so that'd really suck.

Do you hate anyone and why?
Dumb people for obvious reasons, bad drivers bc I have road rage, same reason for slow drivers, people that have no idea what they're talking about, one of my co-workers bc of all the reasons I've listed and she looks like a total dyke. Not that I have anything against dykes but.. well you have to know this she-man. Annoying as fuck! Oh, liers, cheaters, the guy that orders frozen pizza's at the local grocery store bc the fucker hasn't restocked my favorite margherita pizza in forever. *SNOW* Ok, I hate Mother Nature bc the bitch is just f'n mean.

Why are you not going for the person you want?
Who said I'm not?

Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Yep, although I could never be a full fledged lesbian.

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
My new Richard Simmon's Sweatin to the Oldies to arrive! I will so be looking like Oliva Newton John in Maneater soon!

At the moment, are you more warm or cold?
I'm just fine.

Do you have a boyfriend?
Last time I checked but that could change at any minute.

When was the last time you saw snow?
Spring and I'm sure I'll see the shit again soon. Damn I need to add that to my list above!

Do you smile often?
I try. One day I may lose all my teeth and then I won't smile anymore. Unless someone gives me chicklets. White ones.

What does your most recent text say? Who is it from?
I'm so not looking but I think it was from Vixen.

Do you prefer an ocean or pool?
Pools are nice but if I'm at the ocean then I KNOW this bitch is on vacation and my cabana boy is just around the corner!!!

How long is your hair?
I'm too lazy to measure at the moment.

Who told you they loved you last?
My daughter.

What color are your eyes?
The color of bullshit.

Honestly....

2008-09-29T18:34:00.001-07:00

Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice- shame on me.

When will I learn? I dont have the answer to my own question. I have a horrible, horrible time trusting people bc of a "friend" that fucked me over years ago. I walked her out of my life after being best friends with her for over 20 years. She resurfaced on Saturday night, groveling at my feet asking questions about the guy that she left her husband for , knowing I had dated him a few years back. There are some nice choice words on MS today for me to see, which I did. Dumbass for looking. So yes, I have trust issues bc of this dumb bitch. However, WHY is it that I give people the benefit of the doubt all the time? When is enough? When will I learn? It's like the owl that licked the lollipop-- the world may never know. I think I need to grow a set of bigger balls and just let everyone fuck up their own lives instead of trying to "help". Then again the pure enjoyment of watching the bitch grovel at my feet was pleasure enough for me.

Moving on....

It's been a busy week. House #1 is no longer mine. I closed on that puppy last Monday. 1 down and 1 to go! Now I just need to finish up with this one and get it all into my name and I can start tearing this puppy apart! Of course it'll have to happen little by little as I can't shit money. Still, the pure satisfaction that it will be mine soon will be enough. She was nice enough to give me a land contract on it so I have changed some things but mostly only painted. I dont dare "really" get the ball rolling and do things I'm not supposed to do until it's all finalized in black & white.

Bug turned 8!!!! It's amazing how fast they grow up. It's like yesterday that I had taken her home from the hospital. I've always explained to anyone that is expecting- you will NEVER know the meaning of true unconditional love until you have a child.

WTF is up w/ PETA wanting to use BREAST MILK for Ben & Jerry's ice cream!? Are you fucking kidding me!? Gross. Granted I am a mom so of course I tasted the shit that leaked out of my boobs while breast feeding but honestly? BREAST MILK ICE CREAM!? Gross!!!!!! And just how does PETA think they will accomplish this task? Surely there would be idiots that would be willing to be hooked up to a milker for this but ewww. EWWWW EWWWW EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Just the thought of eating ice cream made with some strange ladies boob milk makes me want to hurl. Who the fuck things of this shit???

The leaves are starting to change here and they are gorgeous. Last year it was nothing but a bunch of yellow but this year we've had enough rain that the colors are *so* vivid. Lots of oranges and reds. We even saw one the other day that was almost a purple-red. Beautiful! As much as I'm against exercise, I feel a hike coming on.

Saturday night (minus all the drama), George and I attended a 40th bday party for a friend of ours. It was a good time. We made it through the night w/o arguing once! Truely something to be proud of! (Esp lately!!!) We got home, had kick ass matress tango and slept till noon. Great night! I do believe that I was still drunk when I woke up at noon and ordered breakfast. Ya, it was a good one. :)

My Grandpa's ex gf finally passed away Friday night. I think I blogged about her before. She was sick for months, in and out of the hospital and was finally diagnosed w/ leukemia. Very sad and she went downhill fairly quickly. My Grandpa was with her for at least 15+ years before they broke it off for good. Still, he visited her every day in the long term care unit at the hospital. Poor guy. His best friend also passed away about a week ago. It must be hell to get old. Especially when you start outliving all your friends etc. I cannot imagine. Nor do I really want to for that matter.

I hung Halloween shit up tonight. Bug was driving me nuts so we finally did it. I bought a cool looking spider web thing from WalMart. It has orange lights and 2 orange spiders. Looks pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. I should've taken a picture when I was outside a bit ago (the ambulance went by my house so I was being the nosy neighbor trying to figure out whose house they were at) but I didn't bring my camera. Maybe tomorrow. Although I guess I should remove the big pile of SHIT my dog left on my front porch. Little bastard. I hate dogs.

I really like the new Christina song. Especially the part about being a "super bitch". Maybe that's what I should be for Halloween? Super Bitch! Oh that could be fun!!! Still undecided about Halloween.... What to do, what to do? We're supposed to do the German thing but now I'm rethinking the whole thing... Idk.

I need a new car. Mine is a peice of shit.

I need new clothes too. Mine are old and they shrunk.

And a laptop too. It'd be so much easier to blog so I didn't have to sit in here and I could sit my ass on the couch and watch my tv shows at the same time.

I'm thinking black & white w/ green accents for this room.... My mind is just constantly thinking about how to transform this house that's stuck somewhere between 1960-1985.

I hate winter.

Alright I guess its time for me to go. Breast milk, winter, leaves, Bug's bday, houses, matress tango-- I think I've covered it all. If I go on any further it'll just be (more) sensless babbeling.

G'Night Hookers!

It's official

2008-09-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

I may still have my 2 dogs and my bald cat but my life is a chorus away from becoming a mother fucking cock sucking country song.

Actions speak louder than words

2008-09-14T08:46:00.001-07:00

Fist of all I want to apoligize if I weirded someone out. There is a gentleman on blogger that has an amazing knack for writing. He had expressed that he had read my old blog when I posted something asking if anyone visited anymore. I sent him the link for this one. After a while of reading I noticed his email address was on his profile so I found him on Myspace and added him as a friend. I didn't really think this was too odd. Anyway, he asked who I was, I responded and the next thing I know his blog is blocked and he's removed from MS. I'm really sorry if I offended or weirded you out. That honestly was not my intention. I just thought you were a very cool person is all. I'm sorry.

Apparently I fucked that up too.

So yesterday we had a 2nd annual picnic for my Grandpa who passed away a year and a half ago. George had a beneifit for a guy that he works with and then was going to meet us at my Grandpa's camp. It started raining, people were under the sauna, by the fire, under the tent, in the house etc... it didn't matter. Everyone had a great time. Tons of food. It was a nice turn out. George never showed.

I had had a conversation w/ a friend when she called on Friday about bringing George out with her after the benefit but then she wasn't coming out until after the benefit was over at 7pm. I had told her that if he comes out at that time he might as well not even show up. He'll be drinking etc and that's his priority. Not me. Not my family. Alcohol. He simply can't say no. I told her I was honestly sick and tired of this. I was tired of coming in 2nd after liquor. I don't deserve it. I deserve better than that. Her response to me? "I am really suprised you've put up with it/him this long to be honest."

So.. as I get into town last night and finally get cell reception there are 2 messages from him. One was that it was raining and he can't imagine that we're still out there but he doesn't know where we are. The second message was that he was going to a bar w/ my 2 friends (they're also his co-workers), one of which I had the conversation with on Friday and she claimed she totally understood where I was coming from. Mind you that the bar they were going to was half way to where my camp was located. He didn't even attempt to drive out there to see if we were still there. He chose to go to the bar. I dropped the kids off here and went for a ride to the store. I called him at the bar and told him I was done. DONE. I cannot do this anymore. He has no care for me at all. None. After we hung up-- I honestly don't know who hung up first, I think it was pretty mutual, I left him a voice mail again telling him that I was done. After that I called my friend who was at the bar w/ him and left her a vm as well screaming at her and telling her that I hopes she finds him someone to fuck before the night is over. Uncalled for? Probably. So after I calmed down I left another message apoligizing.

IDK if I was right or wrong in leaving her a message like I did. I feel justified. I mean, she KNEW how upset I was going to be that he was at the bar yet she didn't do anything to defer him from going with them. She KNEW I was going to be pissed off that he didn't show up, yet she sat at the bar w/ him all night long. He called my house around 215am, of course after the bar closed. I didnt' answer. He didn't leave a message. He text'd me as well saying "So that's it?" We've text'd back and forth. Nothing will change. He has turned it into my fault. Imagine that? Typical. "Everyone sees it but you. You could should (go figure) have had a great time but you decided to make it some big deal n bitch at me on the phone. You really think I wanted to come over after that. Not!"

So you see, it's MY fault that I didn't have a great night. Has he forgotten that I have a child and couldn't just go to the bar? I'm sure his conscience was clear as could be last night. After all, he did stay out till bar closing. He doesn't give 2 flying fucks about me. He doesn't love me.

My heart is shattered but I have to move on. I cannot continue living like this. I told him earlier if he wanted to talk I will find a place for Bug to go for a while. I don't think I will hear from him. I guess that will be his final answer.

I won't play second fiddle. Especially to alchol. I've done it long enough and I'm done playing this fucked up game. Unless the rules change, I'm out.

Where do I go from here? I live in such a small town. Everyone knows everyone. The way he is, he'll find a new fuck within 2 weeks. That's how he operates. I, on the other hand will not be able to handle that. In no way, shape or form will I be able to see him with someone else.

I thought my ex boyfriend was the love of my life. It took me to find George, 3 years later, to get over him. I love George like no other in my life. I was sure that he was "the one". What is this going to do to me? I have cried enough tears that I dont possibly know how my body can make any more.

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Reflection....

2008-09-11T16:31:00.001-07:00

When did I inherit this life? This is not the life that I ordered.

I think everyone has this idea of what their life will be like when they're older. Mine is NOTHING like I'd imagined. Not one single part of it. Well I guess I do have a dog or two, even though they were never part of the equation I suppose deep down I wanted a dog. I did want a child by the time I was 30 and I have her. She's just a bit older than I imagined she'd be when I turned 30.I wanted to have more kids. I wanted maybe 2 or 3. I have finally come to the realization she is the only one I will ever have.

I just don't think that the life I'd imagined is in the cards for me. Fate has a different plan for me.

I realize I'm only 31. I have many, many years ahead of me. I know that things can change drastically in a few months time. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. However, right now... I'm just not where I thought I'd be.

I guess it's up to me to fix it... but how? How do you take such drastic measures to turn your life into what you'd imagined it would be? You can't force others around you to do and see things as you do... This is my life. It's what I make of it. Granted that I have done good for myself. I have made things happened that I've really wanted to happen. What I am most proud of is that I have done these things with very little help from anyone else. I bought a house when my mom told me it wasn't a good idea because of the maintenance, upkeep, taxes etc. The way I looked at it is that it's MINE. It's something that I own. I can do what I wish to it. And I did for about a year and a half until another opportunity knocked on my door. The opportunity for another house. I opted to do a land contract on that house before selling the other one first. I took my chances. Life is all about chances. If you dont' take them, how do you know what you are capable of? You only get one life and you better live it to the fullest. Everyone was worried about me owning 2 houses. After all it's not like I make a bunch of money and I am a single mom. However, a year later, the closing on my "old" house is next week and then we can start on the paperwork to close on my current house. *I* did it. Myself. And knowing that makes it so satisfying.

I hate when people tell me I can't do something. It only pushes me to do it more. To MAKE things happen. Am I scared to do things? Sure I am. Owning 2 houses when you make very little money per year and hoping that you have a solid renter in one to make your mortgage payment. What would have happened if he trashed the house? What if he moved out? Didnt' pay his rent? All those things went through my head as well as so many others. I had to have faith that it would all work out. So far it has.

My mind has been working overtime lately. It has taken a major toll on my mood. I'm just not happy. I think that's it. I'm not happy with my life. Now I have to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm just not myself lately. I dont' even feel like myself. My mind races. I find that sometimes when I'm thinking about something, all of a sudden I'm thinking about something else but still on the other subject. How is it possible to think of two very different things at once? Even as I write this I have so many things races through my mind. Things I should be worried about and things that I have no business thinking about. I'm an analyzer. Always have been. I try not to be but then I have to analyze WHY I am thinking the things I'm thinking. It's a never ending battle inside my brain. Maybe I'm bi-polar or schizophrenic. After all, are they MY voices I hear? I'm pretty sure they are but I have to ask myself that since it seems they're never ending.

Ugh. Where is my easy button?

I hate winter. Maybe that's my problem? Maybe I know that winter is around the corner and I'm just getting depressed.... Idk.

School Days...

2008-09-03T03:39:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, that time of year. School's back in session here now. Yeah. I got Bug all ready yesterday and brought her to school. I was NOT happy about her teacher this year and voiced my concerns to the pricipal over a month ago only to be told that due to the lack of teachers there isn't anything he can do about it right now. WONDERFUL. Ugh. I tried using the excuse that she lives right up the road from us, our daughter, even though they're 2 years apart, are friends. blah blah blah. Ya, didn't work. I figured it sounded better than me explaining to him what a total bitch this woman is and I've seen the way she treats her OWN daughter so WHY would I want to put *my* daughter through that?! Anyway, no hope of switching. Damn it. Well I walked into her classroom yesterday and teacher was pleasant-- moving children around whose desks are too big or small for them. However, it's like they took EVERY trouble making student in her grade and put them all with the "hard" teacher. WTF!? So OUR kids that are good have to suffer?! Great. Well Bug said she had a good day yesterday so I guess all I can do at this point is wait it out and hope that she gets some brownie points for personally knowing her....

So after school, for DAYS now, Bug has said she wanted to walk home. We live within walking distance so she is not allowed to ride the bus. It's probably about a mile between our house and the school. She was adament that she was walking... Ok so we took the road a couple of times, "this" is where you will walk etc (to my sisters house) and call me when you get there, don't talk to strangers, all that good stuff. School gets out at 319pm here. At 330p I get a phone call.. "Um mom, are you sure it's ok for me to walk?" (Totally irritated) "Um yes Bug, we've discussed thsi for days... why aren't you walking to Auntie's house???" Well come to find out she walked partly down the hill, got scared and turned around. She was offered a ride by our cousin, she turned it down bc she "really wants to walk", yet she calls ME at WORK from the school bc she's scared. Ugh. Luckily my dad was in town so I was able to call him to get her and drop her off at my sisters for me. Moral of the story-- No more walking home. She's just not ready.

The weekend was suprisingly good!!!! We went to the picnic/BBQ and had a good time. JSIL wasn't there but the other SIL was. She actually talked to me and tried squeezing information out of me. "Ummmm so I hear you're selling your house?". I had to correct her and explain the situation and that I am NOT selling it to move in with George. Not that it'd be any of her business anyway. I learned that that girl is even more of a miserable bitch that I origionally thought. I win. :) The rest of the weekend was nice as well. We did last minute school shopping on Saturday, had lunch, made a fire in the back yard when we got home. No arguing, no fighting. Lots of talking and laughing. It was sooooo nice to have that back. It was a nice, quiet, HOT weekend. Probably the hottest one so far this summer. For sure. And to think that now it's September and summer is pretty much over.... well it brings tear to my eye. Those that know me know how much I HATE winter. Barf.

Alright hookers, it's time for me to hop in the shower and cleanse myself (ya I know you all just got a mental right there) so I can get to work. I still have to wake Bug up and feed her etc. I'm trying this whole new thing of getting up early so I'm not late for work every day. So far so good..... Granted it's only beenone day!!! :)

Wow! Twice in one week!!!

2008-08-30T06:41:00.001-07:00

Ah, the joys of shopping for school supplies... That's what I'll be doing today. Notebooks, pencils, pencil sharpeners, rulers, glue etc. Yeah. I'm *so* excited. Nothing like fighting a gazillion people in Walmart for what you need. The pure thought of the full parking lot makes me want to vomit. Not to mention all of the college kids that are now back as well. God I hate shopping. I take that back-- I hate shopping, unless it's for my house.

I'm still not sleeping. I'm on about day #10. I wake up around 4am, wide awake, can't sleep. My mind isn't really racing about anything. I guess I sort of wake up after a dream, but it's a different dream every night. Idk... Just odd. I hate not sleeping. Must have too much crap going on in my life.

Speaking of crap. Ugh. I am supposed to attend a bday party at the lake house for my boyfriends sister on Sunday. The only problem? I'm SURE the bad SIL will be there. I really shouldn't say "bad" as I don't know her well enough to judge her. Let's call her the judgemental SIL. The woman is married to George's brother and HATES me. Literally hates me. They live a little over an hour away from here, and I've only been in her presence maybe 3-4 times over the past year. I skipped Christmas at George's house bc of the fact that his divorce was fresh and I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable even though I had already met the majority of the family. I know how much they liked his wife and how it was the first holiday w/o her etc. Not to mention Christmas Eve was being held in their house. So I opted to stay home and go to his house later after everyone was gone. So anyway, it's been a year since he left her and filed for divorce. I have seen the JSIL on Easter (I was invited but again, out of fear of making anyone uncomfortable I showed up later), she was still there when I got there. Funny story. Normally, as in this case I'm sort of viewed as the "outsider" so I keep my mouth shut about things and try not to speak up, call attention to myself, or get into a pissing match with anyone. I just suck it up. Well JSIL was going on and on about a cousin of mine, who also happens to be one of her good friends. She wasn't aware that said girl & I are related. She was going on and on about what a horrible marriage she has etc (like it was HER business to tell anyone to begin with even if it is true), and George's mom had asked her if any of the kids had graduated yet. She said no. Well I'd had enough of JSIL and her shit so I pipped up "Uh, actually S graduated 2 years ago and A graduates this year". OMG the look on her face was priceless!!!! Totally like "I cannot believe you just spoke to me, let alone CORRECTED me!!!". Oh inside I was hysterically laughing my ass off. Anyway, that was the last time she spoke "to" me. So fast forward to the 4th of July. I run into my cousin who was in town for the weekend, and we get to talking about JSIL. She told me that JSIL emailed her and told her that I "thought I knew it all", cousin says "well that's because SHE DOES!!!" and then proceeded to tell her that we're related etc. Hahahhahah!!!!! I f'n love it. Dumbass. Small town and she'll never get it. You just never know who is related around this place so watch who's back you stick the knife in! Anyway, I saw her again at a graduation party for a nephew and maybe that's it? So I guess I've only been around her a couple of times. Yet, not ONE single time has she or George's brother even said "hello" or acknowledged me. He has another SIL that lives here but doesn't like me much either. Funny bc last summer every time she saw me she'd be all nicey nice and say "hello" etc. Ugh. I hate two faced people. We see them more often than JSIL and I actually initiated a conversation w/ her the last time we were all together but whatever. Funny thing about her is that I had dated a guy a few years ago (I'd talked about him on the old blog) that lived an hour or so away-- well he proceeded to tell me about the affair that he had w/ said SIL! Nice huh!? Just another reason for her not to like me. I'm pretty sure that she knows that I know about their affair. Oh the tangled web we weave.

Oh so back to my dilemma. Sorry for the tangent... Bday party for his sister on Sunday... Last sat when we were out and he had too much to drink, we got into a conversation about his family. Brother & JSIL in particular. He had gone to camp to see brother & kids and I had found out later that one of his sisters and his parents had gone as well. I explained to him that he never asked Bug & I to go. He didn't have anything to say. I told him that I knew it was bc brother was there and he doesn't like me. He went OFF. Literally. He said something to the effect of "no they dont like you-- get over it". Umm... Wow! Holy slap in the face and punch to the gut! Although idk WHY I even felt that way having already known how Brother and JSIL felt about me. Why was I so insulted? Honestly I dont' think he and his brother have even had a conversation about me. I think it's just "understood" that they don't like me. Anyway, so I'm pretty sure since it's Labor Day weekend that they will be there tomorrow. Granted that he has a large family and I can avoid them like the plague but I also know that I'll be uncomfortable. In conversation recently he said that (when invited to a family function) I always ask who will be there. He's right. I do. He doesn't get it. I explained to him that I ask bc I need to make sure if they're there I can get in the frame of mind to be around people that dont' like me. I think that's fair, don't you? I mean, to be around 3 people (brother & 2 SIL's, I get along w/ the other brother) that don't like you and shoot daggers at you??? Not only that but these people don't even KNOW me!!! They have NEVER given me a chace nor have they even taken the opportunity to say hello to me. Or "how are ya?". Nothing. Not once. They simply hate me bc they view me as being the reason for the demise of George's marriage. It was NOT my fault. None of it was MY fault. Apparently they need someone to blame so they blame me. I guess it's easier than accepting the truth. They were good friends w/ the ex so I'm sure that's hard. I can understand that. I can understand that they probably feel they're betraying her if they even so much as talk to me but ugh.... How judgemental can people be??? *I* am being blamed and held accountable for something that *I* wasn't a part of!!! So idk. I guess I can put on the fake "I don't care" face when in reality they make me extremely uncomfortable, or I can just choose not to go. I had mentioned something to him last night about not being sure if I'm going or not. He didn't understand. Hey it's supposed to be nice out. IDK. It's on the lake etc which is great but I guess THEY are the only reasons that I'm considering not going. I know that Bug would have a GREAT time playing w/ the kids but... Ugh. Ignorant people. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll have something else to do and wont' be there. Although it's sisters 40th birthday so I'm SURE they'll be there. Damn it.

My new gawdy ring that I love so much-- ya I'm allergic to it. Ugh. I figured that since it was a better quality silver I'd be ok. Ya, I'm not. I wore it for what? 3 days maybe? Last night it started. Little red itchy bumps all along the side of my finger. Sucks. I'd like to wear different jewelry other than the normal every day stuff that I wear but I can't for this reason. Once I had a necklace on that had a big red medallion sort of thing. The back was coated in silver and I had the biggest, ugliest rash on my chest from it in the following days. Apparently I can't even do "better" silver. Earrings-- even the hypoallergenic (or whatever they're called) ones- nope. Ears get red & itchy immediately. Sucks ass. I've learned that w/ earrings, as long as I'm only wearing them for a few hours, I can coat them in a layer of clear nail polish to form a barrier between my skin & the metal, otherwise I'm screwed.

I guess that's all I have for you today. I have to finish up my coffe, finish reading the news, hop in the shower and get my little butt in gear to start my day. I really should mow my lawn as it looks like a hay field. The leaves are starting to change already, which is so pretty but then makes me want to barf knowing that winter is just around the corner-- again. Already. Ew.

Have a great day my bitches.

No HNT here

2008-08-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

Been a while again huh? My life just isn't so interesting lately.

I picked up Bug on August 16th. I was soooooooo glad to see her!!! My little cousin (the one w/ all the surgeries- I think I've talked about her) and her mom drove down with me to get her. The girls are only 1.5 years apart and they get along so well. We took them to the Milwaukee Zoo (which is HUGE) as well as Chuck E Cheese bc little cousin had never been there before. Did a bit of school shopping (ew). In and out of the mall in less than an hour. Good enough for me. Ugh, I hate shopping.

The house bullshit is *almost* behind me. My renter/buyer has FINALLY gotten off his fucking ass after I reemed (or is it reamed???) him a new one. Some men are so fucking dumb. Honestly. He calls my cell phone AT WORK to say "uh... we have a problem". Ok. Define "we" and then tell me what the problem is. Well apparently there's a pipe in the basement that's leaking. Hmmm... part of me wanted to say "you dumb fuck, I gave you all the time in the world to sell your house before buying mine which has totally fucked me in the processes and now you want ME to fix your fucking pipe!?" See, had the paperwork been done months ago like I SHOULD have done- his problem, not mine. But since I guess I'm still technically his slum lord I should fix it. Yes? No? I dont fucking know. Anyway, so after this lovely news I ask him if he'd turned the paperwork I'd given him 2 weeks and 2 days prior, into his mortgage co yet. Guess what he said? NO! No, he hadn't turned it in!!!! Unreal. I have sat on this f'n house for almost a YEAR after he said he was going to buy it-- being NICE, hoping he could sell his other house in the meantime so he's not stuck with both (but it's ok for me to be apparently- I am so dumb). He KNEW I had to have the land contract on this house settled by October 1. Um ya. Roughly 33 days from now. Fucker. Needless to say after I went off on him he faxed it in as soon as he got to work. Honestly for a guy, he's useless. He also told me there was a "problem" with the paperwork. See, when you JUMP (yes I said JUMP) on part of the floor, the electricity goes out.... Hmmmm, I livd there for a year and a half with a small child, a dog, and a cat and it NEVER did that to me. Honestly I think I should just pull my pants down so he can just royally fuck me up the ass. Ugh. I guess this has taught me what I get for being nice and trying to help someone. Fucker.

I eBay'd myself a new ring. A girlfriend of mine has a Lia Sopia ring that I love. Gawdy as it sort of is I love it. I steal it from her every chance I get but by the end of the night she's always making me give it back. So unfair. Well so I decided that I should buy myself one. Uh ya. only one problem- it's RETIRED. Ugh. Well since they blocked me from MS at work I had to do something, so I searched ebay till I found the sucker. It's now on my finger. Shiny & new, gawdy as ever bc it's honestly too big for my finger but I love it anyway. The picture doesn't even do it justice to be honest. If I didn't hate my hands so much I'd take a picture of it on my finger but I don't think so. :)

In other news, it's Halloween time again. Yes I realize it's far too early to even be thinking about Halloween but I love it therefore I am. Get over it. Here's a view of last year-- Ok nevermind, you're not getting it bc I can't get them to upload. However, we were Bee's. Yes black & yellow bumblebees. The guy's made their costumes and they were freaking hilarious. Honestly they looked gay. It was great. This year we're going German. Yep, St Pauli's girls and guys wearing Lederhosen's. Outta be hot. :) I found a kick ass beer mug purse too. I scoured the inet today to find some hot shorts that say "Got Beer?" but do you THINK I can find them anywhere? No. Damn it.

Ok so apparently I got the pics to upload.... Hmmm

The dogs are crying, apparently they need to urinate. Better to do that outside I'm thinking...

Hopefully we'll catch up soon! Later bitches!

Monthly updates?

2008-08-04T18:06:00.001-07:00

Boy I thought I'd have a lot of time to blog while Bug was gone but that's not looking like the case huh?

I think I come here to bitch. Honestly. Bc I'm on the verge of a rant right now.

I fucking hate men! Especially men that have no fucking respect at all! Why do we stay with them? Glutton for punishment I guess. It's the only thing I can come up with. It sucks when you love someone *so* much and they dont' respect you. That is the conclusion that I have come to.

George is on vacation all of this week including Thurs & Friday of last week. Last Thursday he called me when he got home like I'd asked. AT 4AM!!!! WTF was he doing out till 4am you may ask? Oh he went to an after bar party. Yes ladies & gentleman, an after bar party and no, he's not 21, 22 or even 23. Whatever.

So we get everythign cleared up on Friday that needed to be cleared up and have a good night. Sat rolls around and my cousin & hubby are going boating. After all it was HOT and a *perfect* day for boating. George doesn't want to go. Imagine that? He has to wrok on the deck at his house and help his neice study for some exams... I asked him if he could do it the next day... no, he told her he would help her on Saturday. Fine. Whatever. However I made the POINT to bring to his attention that if the guys called to go golfing he'd jump at the chance. Nooooo I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong bc he had prior commitments and he had to follow through. Uh huh. So I took the dogs to the lake instead and stayed there for a couple/few hours with them and let them run around, swim etc. He couldn't change anything bc his niece had asked him the day before to help her on Sat. Hmmm... I do believe I was at lunch when his sister asked him to help said neice on Wed. Neice finally called him on Friday asking for help on Sat. Why he didn't help her sooner when his sister asked? Niece didn't call him. Hmmm.... so that FUCKS my weekend. I also brought to his attention that he could have helped her on Friday had he not stayed out till 4am so he was nice and hung over the following day and completely useless. I brought to his attention the fact that we are ALWAYS doing what HE wants to do and very rarely what *I* want to do. Bug has been gone for 6 weeks. Do you know how many things we've done together like besides going to the bar after his fucking softball games? Ya, we wetn to dinner together ONCE. Just the two of us. One fucking time in 6 weeks. This weekend we have his company picnic which he has to be at since he's in charge of the games etc. So this weekend is shot Oh ya and softball tournaments on Sunday. Next weekend I'm leaving on Friday to pick Bug up. So ya, everything is fucking shot as far as plans for anything go. A little too late now isn't it?

So let's fast forward shall we? I had a family picnic yesterday which was nice. George came with me. Today, since he's on vacation he slept in and then worked on the deck. After dinner he was supposed to go over and help said neice study again. I called him on my way home from work and got cut off in a certain place in the road. I figured I'd call him back when I got home. Well then I had a phone call regarding house stuff and was on the phone forever. I get off of that call and see that I have a vm from G. I listen and call him back. Now keep in mind earlier he had wanted me to come over for dinner etc. I cant' remember what the message said, probably bc I blocked it out. I call him back and he rattles off about 7 people that are golng GOLFING!!!!!! Imagine my fucking suprise!? He was obviously riding in the vehicle with someone so I was able to put ti through that I was *not* amused by this in the LEAST. So I ask him what happened to helping niece w/ studying tonight? Oh, she said they can do it tomorrow instead. Really? REALLY!? Hmmm, imagine that. It was *that* fucking easy. *THAT* easy to switch days. Hmmm.. He can do that to go golfing but not to spend time w/ me. FUCK THAT. FUCK HIM. I fucking called him on this on Saturday when he said he couldn't go and I said he'd drop what he was doing to go golfing. So... I have a few days left bc Bug comes home and virtually no weekends but hey, obviously the guys and fucking golf is more important right? I'm so fucking mad I'm ready to go burn the mother fucking golf bag he bought me for my birthday. WHY would you buy someone a golf bag who DOESN'T GOLF!?!!???! Yes I'd talked about going this year but does that mean I want a golf bag?! Ugh. UGH!!!! Fuck. I'm pissed. no fucking respect AT ALL. None.

I obviously need to get off my ass and find a boyfriend that would rather spend time with me when I have almost no responsiblity whatsoever instead of doing whatever HE wants to go ALL THE TIME. I'm really sick of the "I'm the baby of the famil w/ 5 brothers & sisters and I'm sused to getting my way" syndrom that he has going on. WTF did I do to deserve this shti!?

Ok so I'll try to post something happier and upbeat another day I'm too pissed off to even get into the details of anything else that has happened in the past month.

My liver has left the building

2008-07-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Two weeks.... Again. Boy I really suck at this huh?

My liver is shot. I'm convinced of this. I don't think there was one night this week that I DIDN'T have a beer. Ugh. I'm not used to this considering Bug is normally home and I very rarely drink 2 days in a row. Add the 4th of July festivities on top of that and well... I'm fucking tired!!!!

Last weekend was the Fireman's Tournament. Yes, all the small fire departments from the 4 neighboring counties all get together and compete in different things. One was they had to sit in chairs and once the whistle blew they had to get their jackets, boots and hats on and run over to a big garbage can and fill their 5 gallon pickle pail with water, run over to another garbage can and dump their water. Only their buckets had about one hundred holes in them. It's hilarious to watch. Not to mention that most of them are drunk by noon that day. Another game was to take a long string held up by two forklift sort of machines. An emtpy keg is in the middle and there are knots on either side. They have to take the hoses and shoot water until the keg reaches the opposing teams knot. Freaking funny ass shit. (You probalby have to be there.) All I can say is Only in the UP!

They had a fireman's ball that night in the Armory. They had a kick ass band playing and everything. After the bag pipers we were going to go in but it was $5 per person to get in and they didn't have canned beer--only keg. Well I don't do keg beer so I talked the gang into going down the street to a bar to get a "real" beer. Got in there and it was an odd crowd. So we hopped back in the truck and went down the street to the next bar. They had karaoke. Now anyone who knows me knows I dont do karaoke. Oh boy. The karaoke I did that night!!! George & I did the Grease Lighting megamix, Jess & I did Strawberry Wine for her dad that she'd just buried a few days earlier (he always called me the Strawberry Queen after a dacquari night Jess & I went on), George & B were singing some Pour Some Sugar On Me. OMFG did we have a good time!!! George's sister & BIL were at a casino about 1.5-2 hrs away, they came back to party with us. George had 21 drink tickets for the fireman's ball (it was only $1 a glass!) so he wanted to leave and use up his tickets. Well there was NO way I was leaving a bar that I was having a kick ass time in to walk all the way back down there to drink keg beer. Ew. Not happening. So the guys left and we stayed and sang. OMFG did I have a good time!!! Of course the 4 shots that I had really helped with growing a set of balls I needed to get up and sing. I sounded like shit and I didn't care in the least! Had a GREAT time!

Hightlights from the Green Bay trip--

I haven't done anything with my pics from the 4th yet so those will have to be later.

Later bitches!

Where have I been?

2008-06-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Here, there and everywhere in between. Ok not really but that's what it seems like!

Drove to WI on Friday. We went to the zoo and Bug has been DYING to go to Lambeau field so we took her there. I thought she was honestly going to hyperventalate. We did the tour thing there which Bug thought was awesome. It really was neat. I mean there is *so* much history in that statium! We *had* to eat dinner at Chuck E Cheese's. Neither George nor I wanted to eat there but since it was Bug's last night I decided that we'd eat where ever her little heart desired. After that we headed back to the hotel and down to the pool.

The poor thing cried for 2 days before she left bc she was going to miss me so much but once she saw her dad she was just fine. I've talked to her a couple of times on the phone and she's been just fine. She's with her dad and brother until August 16th. 8 very long weeks. 60 days sounds so much better doesn't it?

So Saturday after dropping her off George and I putzed around. Stopped at Home Depot, Bed, Bath & Beyond, PetSmart etc. His sister and hubby were in GB as well as they were flying to VA to pick up their daughter to bring home. (Long story behind that one.) Anyway, we met them for drinks and dinner. Sadly, 4 beers and I was pickled. I really need to build up the tolerance again!!!

On the 6th my cousin and I decided to go have a beer. Bug was gone and her hubby was gone for the weekend and her daughter was staying at her Grandma's for the night. Her MIL called around 10p or so and said that her daughter was sick and had thrown up. It was green and looked like moss... Interesting... Anyway, I ended up picking up L and bringing them both home. L continued to throw up till 5am. On Saturday she was better, no fever at all during the entire time she's sick. Finally 4pm she started tossing cookies again. It was finally clear bc obviously this 9 year old child had gotten everything that was in her system out. Cousin called the nurse's station at the hospital explaining what was going on and the pains in her stomach and was told there was a "bug" that was going around. It made sense. L slept all night that night. Sunday cousin was getting her into the bathtub which L said felt really good on her belly. After she washed her hair and was ready to get her out, L collapsed screaming in pain. Cousin dressed her and rushed her to the ER only to be told "the clinic opens in a half an hour". Uh NO, this child is extremely sick and needs to be seen NOW. The Dr saw her and after L telling her that it hurt to pee she decided that it was probably just a bladder infection. Cousin said no. It was something more. She has had a bladder infection and this certainly was NOT a freaking bladder infection. She asked about a CAT scan and the Dr said "you really want me to?" UH!? Are you fucking dumb? YES!!!! So to make a long story short she had appendicitis and had to be rushed to a hospital an hour away for an appendectomy. Ugh. Cousin rode in the ambulance but her hubby was not home. He was on hsi way home from out of town but his cell phone was all screwed up. I finally got a hold of him when he was about an hour away. Fast forward. They do the surgery laproscopic. The surgeon came out and said everything went good and they got it all. The appendix had not ruptured and she could go home the following day.

They released L on Monday w/ demerol for the pain and an anti biotic. She still can't eat and still has pain. This went on all week. Thursday Bug and I stopped by to say goodbye before she left and she seemed to be getting better.

Monday cousin was at work and said that L woke her up at either 3am or 5am complaining that she needed a pain pill. She called work at 0830 crying in pain. Cousin made an appt for her and took her in. They did blood work on her, gave her a script for more pain meds and finally called her back a bit later with the results. A normal range for white blood cells is 8,000-11,000, L's were at 24,000!!! INFECTION. Ended up in the hospital again on IV with fluid and antibiotics. I cannot begin to explain to you the pain this child was in. It was like watching a 9 year old in labor. It was horrendous!!! Shots on demerol did NOTHING. She had 3-4 shots of demerol between 2-5pm and then when I got back at 7pm she had 2 more between 7-9p that were accompanied by an anti anxiety medication. After the first one she finally slept for maybe 30-45 min. Until the nurse came in to check vitals. She asked her what her pain level was and she said a 3. Not a minute after she walked out it was a 4 and then a 7 and then like a 50. She was flailing and in the fetal position, crying, screaming. It was terrible. They consulted with the Dr and then with another hospital about an hour and a half away (in the opposite direction of where she had the appendectomy). They couldn't do the surgery there until the following day bc she needed to have 2 bags of antibiotics in her system first.

Oh ya, forgot to say that she had an absess from the appendicitis. The absess wasn't infected but the outside of it was. It was covered in infection.

Her dad finally called me at midnight and they were transferring her. After her not peeing for roughly 10 hours they realized that they would ahve to insert a catater. She was having NONE of it. When you have a little girl you teach her that boys and people in general are NOT to touch or look at your "privates". Well they taught her well bc it was NOT happening. They had 2 men and 2 women holding this child down. Nto going to happen. So they decided to transfer hre. She screamed in pain the entire ride. Once they got there they gave her morophine and inserted the cathater.

Yesterday they did some tests and the absess was behind her bladder pushing on her rectum. Which makes sense bc she kept saying she had to poop but couldn't. The kid was shitting puss. Gross I know. Sorry. Anyway they decided they couldn't insert the drain tube like they'd wanted. Instead they had to open her up. For the 2 hours before the surgery they would give her NOTHING for the pain. Cousin ended up hyperventalating they had to get a nurse for her. Finally the nurse called the Dr and gave her some meds and decided they would adjust the anethesia accordingly.

When they got in there they realized the absess was bigger than my fist!!! Full of toxins and infection. Poor thing!!!

Hopefully the worst is over and she can start to recover now. They left the incision open and inserted a drain tube. She won't be home until Sunday at the very least. Poor poor baby.

Bug doesn't know. She'd want to come home right away and panic. No need to tell her these things while she's gone.

My Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital twice in the past week and my parents dog may have to have a blood transfusion. Grandpas bp is very low and he's getting very dizzy. The dog has been sicka nd sleeping non stop so they brought her in last week and gave her meds. Monday they brought her back again and did bloodwork. A dogs platelets are supposed to be between 150-175, hers are 24. Not good. They gave them steriods to hopefully bring it up otherwise the next step is to have a transfusion 10 hours away. She has an auto immune something or other. Her red blood cells are attacking themselves and the rest of her body so she's basically killing herself. Poor thing. They go back in tomorrow.

Well time for me to stop typing. I think I've developed carpel tunnel from all this typing today. But anyway there's your update. That's where I've been and why I've not blogged in 2 weeks or whatever its' been. I'm sure now that Bug is gone I'll update more as I have *so* much free time now.

Hope everyone is having a great summer so far. Colder than SHIT here!!! Ugh. Sucks ass.

Again

2008-06-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

Again I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry. My life is totally fucked up.

I may be single... but I might not. I'm not really sure. What I do know is that I will not tolerate living my life without respect from my significant other. What makes one lose respect? What makes someone one day decide that they are better then you and they think they have the ability to dictate your life. Your friends, your clothes etc. Two words-- FUCK THAT.

Bug is leaving next Saturday for her dad's. She will be gone until August 16th. I will have plenty of time to blog while shes is gone. Lord knows I'll have nothing better to do. Well unless I'm single. Then I'll be free to dance on bars again.

I haven't had a cigarette in a week. Maybe if I did I wouldn't be so bitchy... Or is my life really *that* fucked up right now?!

He hasn't talked to me since 8am yesterday. That would be approximately 34 hours. His loss. I'm a good fucking catch damn it. I don't deserve this bullshit.

I was sick all last week. I barely made it to work. I had a temp of 101.9-102.9 for4 days. I finally went to the Dr on Friday. Thursday night all I did was cry I was in so much pain. Four days w/o a break in the fever. It was pure hell. I couldnt' even put Bug to bed on Thursday. So 0830 Friday I was at the Dr's office. He didnt' come in till 0930 after visiting patients in the hospital. There were already 2 or 3 people ahead of me. I had to piss in a cup. Then they sent me to the hospital for bloodwork. When I got back to the office I had to piss in a cup again. They decided that I just might be preggers. I thought I was going to cry right there. THANK GOD I'M NOT!!!!!!!!! So after all of that they still didn't know what was wrong with me other than a bit of unexplainable blood in my urine. Oh well. I guess I'm not going to die. Just a viral infection of some sort. Saturday I woke up and the fever had finally broken but I had a terrible cough and the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. I still have that feeling and some phlegm but I still don't feel nearly as bad as I did last week. I'm chaulking the phlegm and cough up to the fact that the leaves are FINALLY coming out here so we're bombarded w/ pollen which is making it hard to breath. I get like this every single spring.

Today is the first day I've wanted to smoke in a week. Probably because I'm so irritated. I'm more of a social smoker anyway. When I go out or when I'm pissed. I dont' smoke at work and I rarely smoke at home. Go figure. I also hate smoke. I'm such a hypocrite. I get home from the bar and I'm in the shower right away bc I cannot stand waking up smelling like a bar. Imagine that?

My dog has also been sick. IDK what her issue is but Monday I woke up and there was dog shit and vomit the color of dog shit all over my freaking house. I cleaned it all up and the next night-- the same thing. Wednesday night was normal. No mess anywhere when I woke up. Last night I fell asleep on the couch till 6am and there were 2 or 3 spots. IDK whats up w/ her. Maybe she has the flu? Maybe bad dog food? If she's still sick tomorrow I'll call the vet. She's acting fine when I'm here and during the day so... IDK. Fucking animals.

Alright I'm too pissy to blog anymore. Hope you're all alive and well. I'll keep you updated on whether I'll be dancing on bars or tables in the near future or if someone learned they were being dickish. (Shut up, it's MY word!!!)

Look at the time...

2008-05-05T16:49:00.000-07:00

My how time flys huh? Where the hell have I been?

Busy that's where!!!

Friend w/ Leukemia- brother is a PERFECT match. I have no idea if I've already written about that or not. Anyway, they called him on Friday with a date. Everything is getting to be very real for him and is really freaking him out. I would be freaking out too. From my understanding they will do extensive chemo on him. After that they will do the transplant. He will have to live in a "bubble" for a hwile and wont' be able to come home for a ballpark of 90-100 days. My heart just goes out to him and his family. I cannot imagine having to endure something like that.

Catachism-- almost done. First communion and Confirmation this Sunday. I was informed by my daughters father that my boyfriend is NOT allowed to sit by us in church. UH!? HELLO???? If this is so important to him then WHY is he NOT coming??? He's sending money for the party but not coming? He could have saved his money and gotten his ass on a plane and flew here if it that *that* important to him. I mean seriously!? And then to ask me if I know this is a family function? Uh.. yes I do. He wanted to know who was going to be there. Never once did I mention George's name. Not once. And then he tells me that it is forbidden that he sit with my family and I during mass. FORBIDDEN!!! It's a slap in God's face if I allow him to sit with me since we are not married. You know I am SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of this asshole trying to rule my f'n life. I left him almost 7 years ago. Can someone please tell me what it is that he does NOT understand???? I have a life of my own and I am entitled to live it in any way I please. He cannot tell me how to live my life. Also, if it was *such* a slap in the face of God don't you think they would have told us such a thing already? That is is forbidden for unmarried people to sit together in church? He also told me that if he took his girlfriend (which I'm SURE he popped in the convo to try to get a reaction out of me, I honestly don't think he has one) she would not be allowed to sit with them. Uh huh riiiiiiiiiiight. When he and I started dating and I was still flying around (we weren't serious at all at this point) his son (who he was full custody of) had his First Communion. Do you honestly think that he would tell me that I could not sit with them in church???? No, I highly doubt that. Especially considering he has NO family in the US and his ex-wife really has nothing to do w/ their son as sad as that is. I tell you, he teaches me something new every day. I'd like to know when he decided to make up new rules for the church. I fucking hate that man. I honestly do. There's so much more to the story. After shit like that I wonder WHY I have never taken him to court to "up" his support. The sad thing is that I called him to explain to him what I told the people about the picture taking in church. I fought to be able to take pictures FOR HIM!!!!! And then out of no where he springs this shit on me? You know what? Fuck him. If he wants pictures he can wait unti the photographer posts them on the website. Fuck that. Ungreatful fuck.

Or how about the fact that he just decided to purchase the tickets on his own to fly her there and back this summer? Didnt' consult me at all. Now my NASCAR weekend is totally fucked bc of him. I've waited FOREVER to be able to go and now that's all screwed up and I can't. Then I'd asked him to fly her back to and airport near my Grandma. She isn't doing so hot either. But instead what does he do? Buys the tickets on his own days and flys her back into Chicago. WTF?! Ugh. So now I have an either 6 hour drive around Lake Michigan or I have to go back home and then the long way to see her. Honestly I wish he'd just be casterated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That man should NEVER be allowed to breed again. All he does is make women's life hell. I dont' know how they do things in South America but they dont' treat women like that here. Get a fucking card pal! Grrrrrrrrrrr.........

Girl Scouts-- I'm STILL delivering f'n cookies!!!!!! I've had them for TWO weeks now. Ugh.

I went out of town this past weekend for a bachelorette party. It was fun but she is so very conservative. The bar we'd gone to had 3 other bachelorettes there that night and had the 3 of them on the stage for a contest. They got points for every shirt and pants they got from the men in the bar. 1, 2, 3... GO! One poor bastard got caught in the middle of this shit. Poor guy was left with 2 socks and 1 shoe. There he is, naked as a Jay-bird holding his junk in his hands. Honestly he wasn't much to look at- in my eyes anyway, just not my type, but it takes some massive balls (no pun intended bc honestly I didn't get to see them) to let some chick do that to you in a bar. It was still fairly early, maybe midnight. OMFG. Every girl that had a camera in that bar was snapping pictures of this guys white ass and tattoo'd back. It was priceless. I'll post a picture later.

My Grandpa is not well. Granted that he will be 86 in July but he's always just been such a strong man. I hate the thought that this could be the beginning of the end. I realize that we all have to go at some point but it just sucks ass.

Alright time for me to go. I've been on this thing for far too long tonight.

Later hookers!

I've been Hoff'd

2008-04-28T19:28:00.001-07:00

Sorry for that moment of weakness yesterday. When did I become all girly like that? I feel like I should go 4-wheeling in some mud now.

Uneventful day. We looked up old one hit wonder videos and just old video's in general today at work and laughed our asses off. Remember Gerardo- Rico Suave? Oh but the BEST one was this-- I just wasn't able to top it for DUMB ASS video of the day. Seriously, I realize the Hoff is big in other countries but this is sooooooo gay. There no way in hell this man can be proud of this.

"The" One

2008-04-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

"There's no such thing as the perfect guy. I think it would be strange if somebody was absolutely everything you always wanted because then there would be no challenge"-Jessica Alba

What does it feel like to be "the" one? I have to admit I'm a bit emotional today for some reason. I'm really not sure why. Could be because my boyfriends friend and girlfriend that started dating right after George and I did are so sickly in love and I'm envious? She told me last night that they are planning on getting married next summer. He has admitted to George that she is "the" one. What does that feel like? What does it feel like to know that you make someones world go round and they want nothing more than to spend the rest of their life with you?

I was engaged once. To Bug's dad. We used to joke and look at rings. I found "the" perfect ring. It was *so* totally me. Somehow I knew that he'd purchased it. He came to see me in Chicago and I for some reason knew that he had it with him. I asked him to give it to me and he wouldn't. Have I ever told you how I was proposed to? After going out that night (after I'd asked him to give me the ring) we returned to our hotel-- The Travel Lodge near O'Hare. I got into bed and went to sleep. He woke me up around 2am, on the side of the bed and said "Will you marry me?" I opened my eyes and said "Fuck you". WHO proposes like that??? Granted that yes I accepted the ring. My daughter was conceived the next day. At least she wasn't' conceived in the freaking Travel Lodge. Classy. Really classy way to propose to someone. I should've known right then and there that it wasn't going to work.

It's funny when people ask you about your first true love, it's not him. It's the ex boyfriend. The one that I found after I moved back here. We were set up on a blind date. After three years of being on and off I think we both realized that it wasn't going to work. I basically gave him an ultimatum. In my eyes, after 3 years you either know or you don't. He didn't. I wasn't willing to wait anymore. We both needed to move on. And we have.

Now I have George. I met him so many years ago. I fell in love with him so many years ago. I have taken chances with this man that I've never before taken in my life. In my eyes HE is "the one" for me. I know this. However, he's broken. He's been there and done that and isn't looking to go back to that place anytime soon. He says that I have too many animals. I told him that's an excuse. You love someone unconditionally, not because of their animals, money, children etc. Love is without conditions. He is my "the" one. I know that with every single ounce of my being. I love him so much more then the ex. It's hard to explain.

We are perfectly unperfect together. We fit. I read that quote up above yesterday and really reflected on it. It's very true. We argue, we bicker but at the end of the day I'm still so madly in love with him.

I'm really sick of being the friend of the bride. The single one. The mom. The blunt one. The one with the dogs. The one who works "there". I'm me. I'm the one that's willing to take chances in my life. I always have. I just got done watching a movie, I think it was called "Cake" or something. It was on Lifetime and starred Heather Graham. I am her in so many ways. I've always done my thing. Maybe I've been afraid of commitment and just didn't know it. Or maybe I mask my WANT for commitment by pretending that I don't want it? I don't know. With George I stopped telling him I wanted to marry him. I stopped telling him that he was the one. All because he didn't want to hear it... Why should I have to do that? Why would I hide my feelings for him because he wants me to? Why does he want me to? Is he afraid because he jumped in blindly last time with both feet? Why doesn't he love me like that? Why is it that I cannot have that fairy tale? Was it not meant for me?

This is so dumb. I'm sorry for my babbling.

Friends in need

2008-04-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

So a good friend of mine as well as my co-worker has been sick for some time now. They finally ran a bunch of tests on him and came back that he was anemic. Wow. I never new anemia could make you feel so run down and give you so many issues. He explained that there are different types. Now that they knew what he was suffering from they had to go to the next step and figure that out.

So a couple Friday's ago, when we were supposed to get the "Monster storm" he gets a call AT WORK from the Dr's office telling him bc of the weather not to drive the hour to get there but that they had his results.... He has leukemia. Yes they told him this while he was at work. Granted they were calling for 18-24 inches of snow and with news like that I can see how driving would be more of a hazard than finding out you have a potentially life threatening illness while at work. I don't recall seeing him much that day so he must've left. I sure would have. They had to let him know that day bc they were making arrangements for him to go to a large hospital many hours from here.

I think I blogged about this already. Either that or I'm having deja vu'.

So he went to the big hospital and they ran more tests. We were under the impression that he would have chemo and wait to see if he needed a bone marrow transplant. Well, the chemo didn't happen. He needs bone marrow. His brother was tested today and there is only a 25% chance that he will match. Only 25%. Can you imagine!? If his brother doesn't match then they got to the registry to look for a match. He has a sister but they have different dad's and insurnace will only test someone if they are 100% full sibling or something to that effect. So anyway, I called my Dr's office today since I have an order to get a cholesterol test done I wanted to know if they could check my bone marrow to see if I would be a match for him. I didn't necissarily want to be on the donor registry. Just wanted to be checked for my friend. Then I got to thinking... How totally and completely selfish is that of me? What about all of the other people out there in my same situation that have a friend that is sick and in need? What if it was Bug? Or someone else's child? What if I KNEW that I could help someone and instead I let them suffer nad die? How completely cruel and heartless of me?! I already know that I have a rare blood type. I know that there is a shortage on my blood yet I went to donate once and they turned me away bc they said my heart skipped. I've since had that checked out and I'm ok so what is stopping me? My Grandpa used to give blood all the time. Why didn't I learn from him? Is it because I'm afraid of needles? That's selfish. If I can have a child and get poked and prodded every month for almost 10 months, recover from a c-section and get a tattoo---but not give blood to someone that may need it.. that's selfish. Hell I probably get rid of more in a month then they would take out of me anyway. (Ya ew gross I know. Grow up you sissy's.) So anyway, my point is that I'm selfish. I'm in a situation that I could potentially help people and I'm not. Yes I have an organ donation card filled out on my drivers license in case I die, however what is that going to hurt me right? I'll be dead. On top of that I choose not to donate my eyeballs or skin or bone or whatever for what reason? Because I'll need those things when I'm dead? So instead I give my heart and internal organs... What about the burn victim's that need new skin? What about someone who has lost their sight and could be given the gift of sight from me? All they're going to do is sew my eyelids shut anyway. What do I need my eyeballs for?

Yes I realize this post is morbid, but after having my friend go through this, it really puts things into perspective for me. What if it was me in that situation? What if *I* had a family to support and couldn't? What if I was faced with the possiblity of death? It must suck.

So I called the Dr's office and the Dr didn't know much. So I called a friend of mine that used to wrk in the lab (and still does on occasion) and is also on the board at the hospital here in town and asked him what I'd have to do. He has a meeting with someone who deals with bone marrow donation etc tonight and will call me tomorrow.

I may have my chlosteral test tomorrow, donate blood and register for bone marrow in the morning.

We are having a fundraiser for him and his family on the 9th. I think it will be a dinner and dance. There is a meeting tomorrow at 530p that I will be going to. His wife cried when she was told about the fundraiser. Yes they have insurance as well as AFLAC, however the hospital that he will be going to is 9 hours away. They have lost wages etc. They also have a daughter that has quite a few health issues on top of what they're dealing with.

After watching Oprah's Big Give, seeing what these people can do for others with little or no money... I could save a life.... the best gift that a person can give. The best gift that we all can give. So next time I'm feeling down, I'm going to think about it and rememeber that I could be so much worse off in my life. Things could be so bad for me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself becuase I dont have any extra money to buy new summer clothes or whatever, I'm going to be thankful for my health and the things that I do have and have worked so hard fo. For you never know when those things can be taken away from you. Everything in life is material.

What's even worse and this may be me being well, me. Thinking and over analizing but it's a fact. We had a gentleman that worked for us years ago. He was with the company for so many years. I wrote about him on my other blog for those of you who were there. He was wonderful. Had such a caring family. Wife, 2 boys and a girl. His wife was diagnosed with leukemia and it eventually took her life. A few years later, he remarried, only to be going through a divorce a short time later ( a year or two maybe)... he went on vacation to TX with some friends. One of which owned a small plane. It crashed and the three friends parished in it. They could only identify my friend bc he had a hip replacement. He left behind a son that was maybe 24 or 25, a daughter that was just starting out in college and a son who wasnt' quite yet 16. They were orphans. Sad. Very very sad. So things in our lives could be so much worse.... Oh the moral of that story, when co-worker parished in the plane crash they had to move people around in the company and hire new people. My friend that is sick w/ leukemia right now, now sits at his desk. I told some co-workers the other day that I feel the desk needs to be burned. Yes, over analyzing and looking into it more than I should. I'm being superstitious.

It just sucks. The entire situation sucks. He is only like 38 or 39 years old. Has a 15 year old and a 8 year old at home. How can I be greedy and selfish and NOT help a family like that???? Maybe I wouldn't be able to help him, but to know that I could have maybe saved a life and didn't!?

Selfish. We are all selfish in one way or another. My Grandma used to say... "No one is perfect. There was only one perfect person in history and they crusified him". How true.

Tagless, pinecones & dog shit

2008-04-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

Picked up the half dried up dog shit in the front yard today. EW. Well someone had to do it and since I'm the only adult here I suppose I had no other choice. Although I have the biggest, ugliest pine tree in my yard. There must be at least 9,568 on the ground and another 11,735 ready to fall. Hard to decifer what was dog shit and pine cone after a while. Dumb dogs.

I hate bad drivers too. No matter where I wetn today I was met with one. On my way to work I was behind a flipping school bus driving 40 in a 55. On the same stretch of road on my way back from lunch I was behind some jackass doing 30. THIRTY mph! WTF?! Ugh. On the way to drop off George's pc after work some dumb fuck pulls out of the intersection in front of me. Uh HELLO!? Did you NOT see my car?! Dumb. I didn't slow down I just got right on their ass. Those people shouldn't have a license. *I* on the other hand NEVER make mistakes and am a perfect driver. Pffft.

Oh and Snaggletooth will be back the beginning of May. Wonderful. I'm thinking she'll move about an hour away with the guy she's going to sponge off of next. You know, the one we BOTH have in common. She cannot do anything by herself. Hell she's never even lived by herself. She expects people to support her worthless fat ass. Ugh. Those people piss me off.

So Mojito didn't have anyone to tag and I felt pity on her. Since I actually have nothing interesting for you today I figured I'd fill her tagless tag. (Does that make sense? It does to me and that's all that really matters you hookers.)

Vix tagged her which she was really quite alright with. She can tag her anytime I guess I should get on with it then, heh? OK:

This is Isabella’s Sex Meme that Vix stole from Biscuit. (I think that's how it all went down.) Her answers were fun to read so I thought I would snag it too. Anyone is welcome to steal it but you must post this rules blurb at the beginning of the meme:

1. You must include this link to Sex Talk: Sex Advice for Men
2. You must answer every question! If you don’t have a good answer, you are strongly encouraged to make up something good; we like to be entertained.
3. You must tag 3 people.

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?
I hate mornings. Unless it's one of those instances where you wake up and find yourself in the middle of it and have the "how the hell did this happen" moment but are totally ok with it. Otherwise no, I'm night hawk. Morning are a very rare occasion in my book.

2. Better Sex Music: Sade or Marvin Gaye?
Ummm.. How about Berry White? Was that his name? The Velvet Teddy Bear? How there is a GREAT song by Moby called The Ultimate Fuck Song. I always thought that would be fun for something different. Normally I just listed to the tv. :)

3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Video?
I used to want to do a video just to see what I looked like. That was before I had a child. Now? Ew. No freaking way. Pics can be fun, especially if you're half in the bag at the time.

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr. Doug Ross or Dr. Greg House?
Dr Ross I guess. House would just tell me what I was doing wrong and I'd have to laugh at him which would totally ruin the moment. Can't I pick McDreamy or McSteamy???? This game sucks.

5. Vibrator or Dildo?
Vibe. I'd rather have the real thing than a dildo.

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?
I dont' really care. I'm comfortable enough either way. Sometimes though you can do alot of imagining in a pitch black room. (Well now how WRONG did THAT sound??? Hahahah I didn't mean like imagining someone else or anything!!!)

7. Word preference: Pussy or Cunt?
Hmmm.. See I'm ok with either really. Cunt makes me laugh for some reason. Unless someone is really pissed off at me and using it that way but just in an everyday way, ah, whatever. Now if I really dislike someone, say GNCT or Snag for instance, yes they are cunts because the word pussy is just too nice of a word to use to describe those two dirty whores.

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?
I actually really like to be spanked. George doesn't have the heart to really get me good but we're working on it. Has to be the right moment though. :)

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Airplane?
Hmmm.... Tough. I'll go w/ elevator. Preferably with a mirrored ceiling.

10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North?
Ew. Now about neither. I had to Google to see who PN was. I didnt know. I prefer not to get too personal w/ my porn stars.

11. Word preference: Cock or Dick?
Dick. I just don't really see a reason to use the word cock. I'm ok with it though. Actually maybe I should change my ways and start calling people cocks instead of dicks. That might be fun and throw them off for a bit. It's like when you get into a name calling thing with someone and you run out of names-- crotch gets them every time. They get stumped... In my world anyway.

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson?
Jenna. She's hot, although getting a bit too thin IMO. Nothing like screwing a skeleton.

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape?
How about neither for $1000 Alex? I don't really care for rope burns and the hair on my arms would really suck when you pulled the tape off. So neither is my answer.

14. Give a Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex?
Anal.

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs?
Skanky bar? No thanks. The last strip club that I was in was HORRIBLE. Seriously when the girls have to come up to your table and ASK if we're tipping--?! Ya, that bad. I left feeling great about myself though. I saw stretch marks on those girls in places that I didn't know you could possibly have them.

16. Which threesome: Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?
I used to want a BBG-- as long as the focus was all on me and they didn't touch. I don't enjoy male porn. I dont care if guys kiss but just don't want to see any asshole sex going on. No offense. So I'll go w/ BGG. Hands down.

17. Flavored Oil or Tingling Oil?
Tingling. I love the tingling stuff. I have tried the KY Warming as well as Love Motion #9-- now that isn't for everyone. I think I was the only one that actually liked it after buying it from the "tool" party.

18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow?
I have swallowed once in my entire life and I'll never do it again. Ever. Ewww... Barf, gag.

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex with a Stranger?
I'm ok with people watching, that doesn't bother me at all. Been there done that. It can be hot actually.

Not tagging bc no one reads this anyway! :) However like Mojio said, if you do it let me know! :)

Later hookers!

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

2008-04-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... Fuck. Seriously. It's Tuesday and my week has already been totally fubar'd. Yesterday I got to work and found out that a co-worker has leukemia. WTF?! He's 37ish and his poor family has just been through the ringer with their 2 children being sick. One has a tube running from her brain into her stomach, they're constantly traveling to big specialty hospitals with her, the son is always injured in some way from hockey or whatever. He was also sick as a young child. Different things were wrong with him. Anyway, said co-worker hasn't been feeling well for a while. Quite a while. They finally did a bunch of blood work and it came back that he was anemic, which seemed strange since anemia is usually low iron levels. Anyway, I'm not an expert and he said they still had to do some more tests. Well during the blizzard (that actually wasn't more than 2inches here but 18 an hour away!) they didnt' want to have him drive up to get the results so they gave them to him over the phone AT WORK (WTF?! Granted it was bad out) so they could have him make arrangments bc he would need to leave to go to a hospital for more testing and most likely chemo treatments this week. The hospital is roughly 8 hrs away so it's not like they can commute there. So that was Monday.

Today I found out that my dad resigned last night at the town counsel meeting. Ugh. Fuck. He's chief of police but the new manager in town has made his life fucking hell. Just a total prick. He's leaving anyway, after being on the job for less than a year so WHY does he care what my dad does? He's micro managing and it's really totally screwed up. My dad has been on the force here for roughly 24 years and he's been chief for around 20 of them. Believe it or not he's the longest running chief that's ever been in this town. This prick comes in and tries to take over. Well he just had enough. He'll stay acting chief until they find a replacement and then he'll probably go back to being on patrol. Just really sucks. He used to enjoy his job until this fucking asshat came here. Just really sucks. *Really* sucks.

Piper's eye is better. Not gone but better. I don't think it'll completely go away.

Bug will be leaving mid June for her dad's house till mid August. I'm going to be one lonely girl. I think I need a hobby. Although I did just get my bike fixed. I also walked the dogs yesterday. Poor Piper was crying half way through the walk she was so tired. She has to basically run to keep up with Molly. I tried to pick her up but with all the snow melting she was MUD. I had to give them both a bath when we got home. Now THAT was fun especially considering they both hate them. I wanted to get Molly shaved down for the summer and do you THINK I can get her in to get groomed? No. Not till July. Are you kidding me!? WTF!? I might as well figure out how to do it and do it myself for the love of God!

Bug has bumps on her legs. I think it's "chicken skin" but I'm not sure. I have to take her to the Dr to have it looked at. I'm also going to get my cholesterol tested. I think I should. Almost every single person in my family (parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles) has high cholesterol. There is a free clinic next month but why not just get it checked now ya know? Why wait. I bet a lot oculd change in a month.

So I'm doing the Nivea Challenge. I saw a commercial the other day on TV so I thought, why not? It certainly can't hurt. Now I can't say that I'm following it to a "t" but I'm doing a good job. The other day called for 30 min of cardio or something so I figured, I'll box on the Wii. Man do my arms and back hurt. Not really hurt but I definately can feel it. Boxing is an excellent work out. I'm actually getting muscle back in my arms. Good Lord why did I let myself go?

George's neice has been back in the hospital since Friday or Sat. We found out on Sunday (see, started off the week I'm telling you). She wont' eat again. I believe they left today to bring her to yet another hospital that is supposed to be one of the best in the nation. I really hope she can get the help that she needs. Poor girl. She's so pretty and smart and just has so much going for her. Now she'll be roughly 20 hours away. You don't know if you should hug her bc you feel so bad or slap her for being so dumb. Maybe I'll just squeeze her really tight.

I painted all weekend. Kennebunkport Green (Ben Moore) down the hallway and then on 1 wall in the living room that connects to the hallway. The rest of the walls are Concord Ivory. I think I'll get some reddish colored curtains or a swag or something to brighten it up and give it some accent. There really was nothing else to do in the snow storm that really didn't happen so I was trying to prepare myself.

Ugh and my arch enemy is moving back. The Snaggletooth bitch has decided to divorce her husband who has supported her white trash ass all these years. Of course she waited till he retired from the Air Force so she could get half of his money. Dumb bitch. She already has a boyfriend up here yet she's living in FL. Hmmm.. wonder how THAT happened? Yet *I* am the homewrecking whore!? Go figure on that one. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Funny thing is that I think she's dating the guy that she dated in high school, that I ended up dating a couple years ago. I think I talked about the psycho on my old blog. Anyway, she was calling him when I was dating him and her hubby was stationed in Korea for a year. Imagine that!? So through the grape vine I heard that she is moving back as soon as their son is out of school. Wonderfuckingful. Ugh. Seriously I'm sure that she and the 38 year old GNCT will have nothing better to do with their time this summer than attempt to make my life hell. GROW THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!!!! Seriously, 38 years old and you ahve nothign better to do w/ your time than pick on your boyrfriend ex girlfriend?! What makes it sadder is that Snaggletooth and I were best friends from the time we were 7 years old until she fucked me over a few years ago and I washed my hands of her. Yet NOW she decides that SHE hates ME?! Uh, I didn't do anything wrong. Man, some people really live in their own worlds don't they? Dumbasswasteoflifehomewreckinggolddigginggoodfornothingdrunkenwhore. And yes that's how I really feel. I could go on and on if I really wanted to.

Ok I'm done. I need to go do something now. I'm not sure what. I had planned on stopping here and telling you that I didn't have time to really write and fill you in on the fuckedupness of people's lives in my life right now but well... you know me and I just cant' stop once I start.

I sure as hell hope you all are doing better than the others right now!

Rock On.

Is this my life??? WHY??????

2008-04-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

What's it been now? 3 posts in 3 days? You lucky devils! Me? Not so lucky... I don't want any smart ass comments left either. Only pity for me.

(Edited for my approval)

...WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 5 AM FRIDAY TO 8 PM EDT SATURDAY...

A WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 5 AM FRIDAY TO 8 PM EDT SATURDAY.

SNOW WILL DEVELOP THIS EVENING AND BECOME HEAVY AT TIMES. AREAS OF BLOWING SNOW ARE ALSO EXPECTED BY EARLY FRIDAY MORNING NEAR (???)...AS NORTHEAST WINDS GUST UP TO AROUND 40 MPH. AS A RESULT... REDUCED VISIBILITIES TO AROUND A MILE OR LESS WILL BE POSSIBLE THROUGH FRIDAY NIGHT. STORM TOTAL SNOW AMOUNTS OF 10 TO 24 INCHES CAN BE EXPECTED BY THE TIME THE HEAVY WET SNOW LIGHTENS UP LATE SATURDAY. THE HIGHEST AMOUNTS ARE EXPECTED ALONG THE HIGHER ELEVATIONS NORTH OF (???) AND (???). THERE COULD ALSO BE SOME SLEET MIXED IN WITH THE SNOW ON FRIDAY SOUTH OF (???) WHICH WOULD GIVE LOWER STORM SNOWFALL AMOUNTS THERE.

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW... SLEET... AND ICE ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE.

More detailed local map tracking!

Ugh

2008-04-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Snow. We have more fucking snow! Can you believe it?! While the rest of the nation is enjoying new leaves on the trees and birds and all of the happy stuff that comes with Spring. But no. We're stuck w/ MORE snow. After dear 'ol Mother Nature teasing us with 60 degree weather for a few days she springs this shit on us. Ugh. I'm thinking it's karma from me making fun of Vixen's winter last year. Damn it I haven't even read any good stories about PC's driving this year. Ugh. Sucks. And I'm sure it'll only get better. I think we're supposed to get more throughout the week. Fabulous.

2 days in a row! Can you believe it!? I also followed my exercises yesterday too. I'm 2 for 2!!! Yeah!!! I'm not sore today either which is usually the case and then I just give up. I'm a wimp like that. :) One owie and I'm all done.

Alright, time for me to put a little religion in my child's life and have an hour of "me" time. Haven't heard from George, no clue where he is. Oh well.

Later gators!

Boring....

2008-04-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

My life is boring.

I actually got my ass on the treadmill the day before yesterday. Imagine that?! I keep seeing commericals for the Nivea Challenge so while I was bored yesterday at work I pulled it up on the net and printed it out. We'll see how it goes. Monday is supposed to be a rest day anyway so after I'm done w/ this I'll get started on the bikini thing. (Ya right!) With these stretch marks?

Vet visit today. Molly is 25lbs and lyme and heartworm negative and Piper is 10.15lbs. Little porker. She was just 9.4 a week ago.

That's all I got.

The end.

Double Midgets

2008-04-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

So today Bug and I were at a surprise bday party for my Uncle & cousin. As another relative is leaving and saying good-bye to Bug she said something regarding the two of us to which Bug replied "That's because we're double midgets". Huh!? My other Aunt starts laughing and says "No honey, I said you and your mom are like the double-mint twins". Oh out of the mouths of babes....

She also informed me the other day after one of the dogs came home and had a picker in her fur that pickers are in fact fruit and not a weed... I've tried to find this information on the net but when I google "picker" I just can't seem to find what I'm looking for and I can't for the life of me think of another name for a picker....

Oh and french fries are "rectangular prisms"... Who knew? Oh the things I learn from a 7 year old.

George bought her a new bike today. That was nice of him. I was trying to be slick and put one over on good ol WalMart but they were having none of it. I bought a new bike last fall which after riding it twice, the equivelent of 2 blocks, Bug and I were on the porch one day at the old house and out of no where heard "PSSSSSS", ya the tube inside the tire broke. Wonderful. Changing the gears never worked that great either so I figured I'd just bring it back and exchange it right? No. Not right. 90 days is all they give you. Well, who thinks of those things in the middle of winter with 4 feet of snow on the ground? So I did what any good WalMart loving person would do and told them that I got it as an Easter gift. Uh... that didn't go over well. The guy claimed that it was sun faded etc. I really don't know how that could be since it was stored in a garage but whatever. He also said the bikes went on clearence around Dec-Jan. Uh.. oops (que crickets) Hmmm.. they just gave it to me but my mom is a bargain shopper so maybe she found it then and just gave it to me? Ya that's it! Wow! I'm such a bad girl. I have a daughter going through catachism and learning right from wrong and here's her mom lying through her teeth about a bike. Well it could have been worse I guess!

Oh yes the reception. Pretty uneventful other than the fact that my friends step dad ended up passing away that morning around 215am. She was also in the wedding so she got virtually no sleep at all that night. Friday she was in her hometown about an hour away visiting them, they decided to admit him into the hospital around 330p, she came back for the rehersal and the dinner and wetn back to see him. As I said he passed that morning. This is the same girl that I believe I told you about before, she'd just lost her dad in January. Very sad. Oh ya, so the rest of the night was fun. I drank a lot but I didn't think I did. I only had one shot. I really try to stay away from them bc nothing good can EVER come of me and liquor. I need to stick to beer and only beer. Anyway, I promised George on our way that I wouldnt' flash anyone anything that night.... And I didn't. Ok well I did fall on my way out of the bar at 215am and might have flashed something but that was not intentional. Anyway, so we all had a great time. Everyone got along. I congratulated the dickhead ex's new girlfriend on her pregnancy right after the ceremony. She's a great girl I really like her. Very personable etc. She thanked me. So later that night after the wedding party and everyone headed to the bar I congratulated him. Uh... that didn't go over so well. "I still don't fucking like you". (me) *giggle "What?" (him) "I still dont' fucking like you". Oh ok then. Hahahha! I laughed. It was funny. He is SUCH a miserable asshole. Wow. He'll make a TERRIFIC father. *rolling eyes over and over again. Poor girl stuck with that prick. I hope she knows what the fuck she's in for! Ugh. Dumbass. That was about the extent of my fun that night... Till the next morning........

We got home from the bar and George picked out some leftover pizza from the fridge bc he was hungry. I had to pee so I did my business, took off all my clothes and put on my robe (it was SO much more comfortable then the get up that I had on). I decided that I was tired so I laid down on the floor in the computer room which is right across the hall from the kitchen where he was standing. I told him I might be sick (when I laid down I ended up w/ floor spins) so he threw me this big ass blue bowl just in case I needed it. Next thing I know I wake up at 830am, STILL on the floor, one dog on each side of me, in my robe- NO blanket at all!!! I got up and prayed to the porcelin Gods a bit and then let the dogs out, brushed my teeth and crawled into bed. He woke up and looks at me, looks down at himself, looks at me again and said "whose shirt am I wearing?". I looked at him and said "Uh, I think that's mine..." Then he did it. He sat up and I thought I was going to piss myself. There, on his back in big gold letters says "Victoria Secret"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With a pretty little v-neck to accentuate! OMG now that was a pants pisser if I've ever had one!!! (Luckily I'd just peed!) I started laughing, he was laughing... I have NO idea how he'd gotten that shirt. He asked if it was in his drawer and I said no it was in my pajama drawer. He must've been a bit disoriented when he went to bed. Hahaha! Now THAT my friends is funny ass shit. I couldn't tell the story at all this week without breaking into tears. Dumb drunk.

Weather's been hit and miss. On Monday night we'd gotten between 6-8" but a town just an hour from us got 25.6inches!!!!!! Can you imagine!? I thought my friend was joking when she said she couldn't get her Ford Escape out of the garage and that she'd shoveled for an hour and a half. Now that is insane. It was 60 yesterday and close to that the day before so luckily it's almost gone. Ugh. I cannot WAIT for spring. Although I'll take 50 over 20 degrees any day.

I bought myself a Spot Bot today. I'm so excited. With a new puppy that's not quite housebroken this outta come in handy! A friend of mine loves hers and I read reviews on the net so I cannot wait to use it. Who would have thought I'd have gotten so excited about a freaking vaccumme/ deep cleaner thing!?

Speaking of the puppy, she's twice the size of her brother from the same litter. Oh and last Sat (I may have told you this last week) but she developed cherry eye. It's ugly. Looks like a hemmeroid coming out of the corner of her poor little eye. Brought her to the vet on Tuesday bc I thought she also had conjunctavitis, which she does, so they gave me some ointment to put in them. It seems to be helping a bit but we'll see what happens. The vet did say that less then 20% of cases will go away on their own so we either leave it or when she gets spayed they can push it back in, sew it up and hope that it doesnt' come back out. We have plenty of time to decide what to do so we'll just go with it for now. Poor little thing. Thank God it doesnt' bug her!

From the words of Porky Pig himself--- that's all folks. I'm going to play with my new Spot Bot. Oddly enough I'm looking forward to cleaning something. I hate cleaning!

Oh and I'm getting chubby so I have to start exercising. When I brought this up to George the other day he said "honey, you have a small everything but you've always been a little chunky in the middle". WTF!? Thanks asswipe! Although I guess I can't knock him, I brought it up after a comment was made to me on Friday and he was only being honest. At least it gives me some incentive to get off my ass. Mojito- can I go to your ab class with you??? Will you hold my hand too?

Ta ta bitches!

Almost a month

2008-03-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I've been here! Oh wait! I lied! It's been a day OVER a month. Boy I suck.

I think March is the busiest month of the year for me. Bug has her ice show, Girl Scout Cookies (no dirty hookers SHE sells them and has the outfit, not me), ok I lied, I end up selling most of them but without wearing the outfit. Maybe I should get one for next year? Anyway, and then she's in another class which takes up quite a bit of time. I'm happy to say that at least skating is done for this year and Girl Scouts is well on it's way to being done which will free up a lot of time for me.

Piper is getting big and sassy. She plays with Molly as well as Mork the cat. Bug noticed a little bit ago that the white part of her eye in the corner is a bit swollen. I know the dogs were playing today so I'm assuming that's what happened. It doesn't seem to be bothering her. Ok just hung up with the vet. It's called "cherry eye". Wonderful. Surgery is an option-- when she's getting spayed they can take care of it, or just leave it. I think I'll call my friend that just got done w/ vet tech school and ask her what she thinks. Figures, I mean why have a NORMAL pet ya know!?

I have a wedding to go to tonight. My ex-boyfriend's sister. This outta be fun. He hasn't talked to me since I broke his little grinch heart nor will he even wave to me. Ah, whatever. He has a new girlfriend now and they're expecting a baby so maybe that'll force him to be a little more grown up. Hahaha! I can't wait to see what kind of drama we get.

Ok so I didn't get to finish this before the wedding. I'm now home and going to eat. I guess I'll attempt to finish this later on!

Cio bitches!

I shall call her Piper

2008-02-28T19:06:00.001-08:00

I've decided, why not? Molly needs a playmate and gets along with every single other dog she's ever come into contact with so... yes I'm getting her. George and I don't live together so he has to say.

So... I (think) I shall call her Piper.

Funny thing, I was on the phone w/ a friend that works in a vet clinic. She was telling me about a cute little puppy that came in named Flo. Yes I was going to name her Flo. Molly & Flo...

Till I remembered that she's red. That would just be soooo wrong...

Dilemma

2008-02-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

I have a freaking dilemma. Not a very big dilemma but a dilemma nonetheless. I want another dog. I'd prefer it to be older, fixed, housebroken etc. My Molly is 13 months old and is just nice and easy now. It's like going from having a baby to a 6 year old. Anyway, I have been searching and searching through like the driving distance states, because God knows there's nothing in this place. Anway, I found a Brussels Griffon. Now these are ugly dogs. They remind me of Ewoks. But now it's me so WHY would *I* have a normal dog? I have a naked cat. Well used to have two but I had to put one down. Freaks the hell out of anyone that walks in the door. (I'm too lazy to post pictures today).

So... I found an Ewok dog that is 5 years old, retired show dog and it's FREE!!!! FREE! A free dog like that is damn hard to come by! The only thing is that I'd have to have her spayed. Granted that I wouldn't NOT have her spayed. I deal with my own monthly shit why would I want to deal w/ a dogs ya know? Anyway, I've been searching for another "Molly". She's a Cavalier King Charles/ Cocker Spaniel mix. She is beautiful! (Her designer name is a Cockalier.) I have looked ALL over for one. Do you THINK I can find one? Hell no. The ones that I do find are like HOURS and STATES away from me. Damn it. Anyway, I finally found some that are like 10 1/2 hours away from me. Only their puppies.

Last week I stopped at the bar w/ George and some of his co-workers and he tells me about a co-worker that brought baby chihuahua's into work. They're for sale. One was taken (and being delivered which was why they were there). Now George is not an animal person. He's really not. He means well but just not an animal lover. He likes his life the way it is and a dog or whatever would only complicate it more. Ya whatever. So anyway, he's telling me about these puppies and how cute they are etc. Before he like forbid me to get a chi bc they're the ugliest dogs. Again-- whatever. So his co-worker goes to get his camera and shows me the pics of the pups. My heart was sold. I WANTED one of them in the WORST way. He was all for it (I'm sure the alcohol helped) and said we could go look at them on Sat. The more I thought about it Saturday morning, now Molly is about 25lbs and this chi would be smaller than her head. Does that make sense? Would they even be able to play together? The dog would be smaller than my cat. Ok, I decided it wasn't a wise choice. (Saved me $400 which was nice.)

Ok so back to the Cockalier puppies. Oh wait no, I was emailing these people back about the Brussels Griffon, I've been waiting all day to hear back from them to see how big she is etc. Well in the meantime I get an meail back from the girl w/ the Cockalier puppies that's 10 1/2 hours away. I had emailed her to see how far she was from a place that my boss is visiting next Monday/Tuesday. She's an hour and a half away BUT her neice is in the hospital where my boss will be and has been traveling there quite a bit. UGH!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!!??! So I finally sucked it up and called her. I got her boyfriend as she was still at work. There were TEN puppies in the litter and I could hear them in the background!!!!!!!!!! FUCK ME!!!!!!!!! Made me want one even more. Do I want to go through the housebreaking again? Not really. Molly was HORRIBLE to housebreak. HORRIBLE. As in like it took me about 10 months. WTF?! Anyway, these puppies are only $250. I paid like $400 for Molly, so in my eyes it's quite a deal. Right!? I called George and told him about my dilemma and he's like all anti-dog now and doens't think I should get one or wait till the cat dies and then get one (Mork is 3 years old-- lots of life left in him). He HATES the cat. Like seriously HATES the cat. But you know, we dont' live together and I'm not getting rid of him so whatever.

Ok, so here are the questions I'm asking myself--

Do I want to housebreak again? What do I do when I have Molly outside of the kennel all day long and have to leave the puppy in the kennel because I'm housebreaking her? Do I section off a portion of the house that has tile and leave them in there?

Do I spend the $250 on her if it all works out and have my boss bring her back for me? I could really use the money on something else but I think Molly needs a playmate and I'd rather get it now than the summertime bc then she'll be half ass housebroken by then and it'll be easier to leave her home when I'm out galavanting bc its summertime.

George doesn't want me to get her. Doesnt' think I need another one, one is good enough. What do you think? Is two better than one? Or is it me "thinking" that she needs a playmate?

Ugh. I'm stuck and I have less than a week to decide!!!!! Granted that no, George and I do NOT live together so ti's MY house and his opinion really shouldn't matter but he keeps giving me reasons as to WHY I dont need another one.

What to do? What to do?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where have you been??? Be advised I'm long winded today!

2008-02-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

Ugh I'm here. What a year this has been so far. Death. Just like my year started out last year, it's happening again this year. Only not to me but to my friends. About a month ago my friends Dad passed away. He was an alcoholic for many years and had been sober for 4. Just long enough to regain a relationship with his children and his grandchildren. Unfortunately he didn't quit soon enough. It ultimately killed him. I felt horrible listening to him tell us how much fluid they sucked out of him. First it was monthly, then bi-weekly. You could tell the end was near. His face was still so thin but the rest of his body so extremely bloated. My friend was oblivious to this. I dont' think she knew he was quite at the point he was at and of course he didn't tell her. To make matters worse, about a week, maybe two weeks after the funeral her step dad had gotten sick so he went to the Dr. They sent him to a Dr a few hours away to run some tests etc. At first they thought it was pancreotic (spelling?) cancer, but then determinded that it was lung cancer. It has already spread to his other organs, yet he's opting for chemo. I could understand that if they hadn't given him a time frame already. Three to six months. And he's putting himself through chemo. Why? Why would someone do that to themselves? I just don't understand. If I'm going to die, I want pain meds to keep me comfortable and I want to live my last days to the fullest. Make ammends with anyone that I need to make ammends with and just do it all. Everything that I was never able to do. Live it up ya know? Instead, he is choosing to be sick from the chemo. Hell, chemo alone will kill you... Then again, this is HIS life we're talking about and not mine.

Last Monday another friend of mine, her mom brought her dad down to Green Bay for some tests. Her dad has been very sick for quite some time. He has congestive heart failure, emphysemia, they had also been treating him for diabetes for years which they later determined he didn't have! Can you imagine!? He is always in and out of the local hospital. Probably once a month he's admitted for a few days at a time. However he's gotten really bad since September. I would say he's been admitted once every couple of weeks. Anyway, her mom brought him down on Monday for some tests. I'm not exactly sure what. I think they were supposed to come home on Tuesday or Wednesday. Something went wrong. Very, very wrong. This summer when he was in the hospital here they OD'd him on morophine. Well, I shouldnt' really say OD'd but it made him very, very sick so they had to transfer him to a bigger hospital about an hour and a half away. Well, this same thing happened last week to him. He'd gotten very sick. Her mom was alone with him. L had planned on heading down there but her sister went down first and told her to wait at home. It sounded like he was doing better. This was Wednesday. Or was it Tuesday? Either way, her sister called and they left. It's about a 3 hour drive from here to get there so anything can heppen in that amount of time. They got there late. They'd determined that his kidneys had completely shut down. From the morophine. They were just too weak to handle it. So what do you do? You have this man who's kidneys have shut down, sure you could do dialysis but for how long? A transplant would have killed him for sure. The rest of his body would have been FAR to weak to handle that. He finally fell asleep around 9pm. The next morning he still hadn't woken up. The Dr told them that he probably wouldn't. L called me to tell me the news. I was just heartbroken. She calls back a couple of hours later and says that after she hung up the phone with me he was in bed trying to eat!!!!! Go figure! Baffling. Anyway, her other sister lives in Indiana but was out in PA at a meeting. Of course she'd driven out there so she was on her way driving to WI. She finally got there that night very late. Again, he was out of it but still holding on. They were told that nornally a person will pass 3-7 days after kidney failure. Saturday was day 3. She finally called saying that he wasn't going to wake up. They were all able to say their goodbyes on Friday, as was he. So Saturday they decided to take him off of all his meds besides his oxygen and main meds and disconnect his defibulator. He had signed a DNR anyway so it's what he would have wanted. The stubborn ol Finlander hung on for HOURS! They could nto figure out what he was waiting for. L took a ride and got her daughter, she brought P back go the hospital to say goodbye to Grandpa and literally as soon as she left the room he passed. He was waiting for his little girl. God even now that tears me up. She was just the light of his life. His heart and soul. The poor thing just didn't understand. She thought that if she'd have stayed w/ Papa a while longer that he wouldn't have passed. Trying ot explain to a 10 year old that he WAITED for her is hard. Ugh. but just so touching. So since he was about 3 hours away they weren't able to get him until today. The visitation and funeral are set for Thursday and Friday. So tiring. Now it'll be back to waiting for J's step dad to pass. Poor girls. I just cannot imagine going through that. I know we all do at some point but how heart wrenching especially when they're all so young. J's dad was only 61 maybe, L's dad is 63 and I have no idea how old J's step dad is. Not very old, that much I can tell you. And then she has to worry about her mom. She was a nurse for many years but developed a seizure condition and she's not supposed to drive and there is no way she'll be able to live on her own. Poor girls. Sometimes I wish I could preform miracles but then again it's all a part of life and what makes us strong.

What else? Oh the haircut. Yep, chopped it off. I dont really have any better pics right now but I'll post the ones from the day I had it cut. I was also sick with the flu. As wrong as it is I knew if I cancelled that appt I'd NEVER reschedule it bc I'd chicken out. I'm happy with it. It's something different. It's hair, it'll always grow back right?

Fuck. Ok I guess I'm not posting any pics of anythign right now. I can't even use spell check. Ugh. Sorry for the typo's! :) I'll have to post pics later.

I'm FREEZING!!!! You CANNOT even being to imagine the amount of snow we have up here this year. Seriously, it SUCKS. SUCKS! It's insane. The worst winter in the 6 years I've been back here. At least maybe the lake level will be up this summer. It was the lowest last year in like 80 years or something like that.

Well I suppose I can't think of anything else to yack your ear off about (ok, your eyes) so I suppose I should go toss another load of clothes in the washer. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Ok I was able to save and the add them so here they are. A before and then after. Horrible pics but you get the idea! :) I was sick and then started to think that I was pregnant! Thankfully, it was a case of the flu. I've never been so happy to have the FLU in my life!!! :)

Chop, chop, chop

2008-02-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

The hair will be gone at 9am tomorrow morning. I need a change. Last time I did this was over 6 years ago when I left Bug's dad. Can't tell you what my reason is now other than I need a change... Hopefully I don't regret it!

Wish me luck!!!

The weekend has arrived!!!

2008-01-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

Yeah!!!! After a week of pure hell at work it's FINALLY Friday. What a relief! I "should" have a break from screaming people because they don't like change but I volunteered to go in tomorrow for a bit. Which, depending on how many voice mails I have waiting for me, I may have to go back on Sunday. I took about 4 hours off on Wednesday to attend the funeral of a friends father so at least I can make up some time and save my vacation time for fun things this summer!!!

We were BOMBARDED with snow last night. Well, not really bombarded because it could have been much worse but still got a good amount. My butt is too lazy to go out and shovel right now and there is a heap at the end of my driveway where the snowplow truck so lovenly left it. Seriously, do they NOT know that I have a car and not a 4-wheel drive? Ugh.

So at the funeral on Wednesday, I ran into some of my ex's relatives. I haven't really spoken to them in a good ohhhh, 3-4 years. It was awkward but nice all in the same. They really are a good bunch of people. Then some strange woman came up and asked me how I was doing. I could't figure out who she was. Whether she was someone I'd met through my friend or through my ex, so not to be rude and me being me, I got up and hugged her and said hello. Ya well... it wasn't until she said "John" that I realized she's my renters mom!!! Hahaha! Dork. So I guess the people that are supposed to purchase his house (so he can buy mine) are flaking out on him. She didn't go into too many details but it sounds like things are maybe falling through in that deal. UGH!!! The thing is that I live in an area where its buyers paradise. There are TONS of homes for sale. But the unempoloyment rate is also high which puts a damper on things. I am in the process of purchasing the house I am living in now. I have a land contract until October at which time, my other home is SUPPOSED to be sold. Good Lord! Seriously, if this falls through I might go ape-shit!

No clue for the weekend other than working. I'm watching my younger cousin tomorrow night. She and bug play good together and I've had her here probably 3 weekends since Bug got home just after NY's. It's way too freaking cold to do anything outside. Pretty sad considering when we were kids ALL we wanted to do was play outside. Boy they're baby'dn (or is it babied? I know it's babies... eh who cares you know what I'm saying!) now days.

My dog turned one yesterday. Such a big girl! :)

Wow!

2008-01-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

I've neglected you hookers for over a month!!! How dare I?! I bet you missed me though! Right...????

So let's see what I've been up to. I've sat down to write I dont know how many times but I keep getting interrupted for one reason or another.

I guess the beginning of December was fairly uneventful or I'd have written about it. Oh wait! I lied. George was officially divorced!!! YEAH GEORGE!!! Ok so that was pretty much MY highlight.

Bug was gone for Christmas. Her father is having MAJOR issues with George and I. Whatever. I left the fucker 6 years ago. SIX YEARS AGO!!! Does he think that I'm going to hold on to what we had for the rest of my life? He may be getting up there in age (he's quite a bit older than me) but I'm not going to sit and let my life revolve around him. Screw that. So George came with me to drop Bug off which her father was NOT happy about in the least. While she was gone she asked if she could talk to him, what was I supposed to say? No? So I did, and her dad had a fit, told me that it was "inappropriate" and that when she is at his hosue she has to go by HIS rules and blah blah blah blah blah.... So he also came with me to pick her up. At that time the comment was "I'm going to call you later and we are going to have a talk". Whatever. He called and never said a damn word. I think maybe he realized FINALLY that he sounds like the jealous ex-boyfriend. Ya right. He's just off his rocker.

So after we dropped Bug off we went to Lambeau field (home of the Packers), I'd never been there before. The atrium was amazing! Ended up in the bar in Lambeau playing one of those dumb touch screen games for like HOURS. Drank lots of beer. Finally went to the hotel to check in and then went to dinner which was fantastic! The next day we did some Christmas shopping and since the weather was bad we decided to stay another night, went to Hooters for dinner (God I love that place!!!!) had a kick ass hot waitress. What baffled me though, there was a little blonde that was working, she was ok looking-- definately not someone I'd look twice at, just ok, however, I did look twice at her ass. It didn't fill out the Hooters shorts!!!! WHAT THE HELL??? Now I realize that Hooters is an establishment based on boobs, but when she can't even fill out the shorts!? Seriously, they were like all bunched up and about 3 sizes too big for her. I've seen a 10 year old with a bigger ass than this chick. Eww. Anywho, after that we ended up going to some bowling alley for night bowling. It was actually a blast! We had to get up early and drive back in an ice storm so we thought about going clubbing but then realized it wasn't such a good idea.

I got Bug a Wii for Christmas. Of course we took it out of the box and played it before we wrapped it up for her. I mean, she was gone over Christmas anyway and I had to make sure it worked. I would HATE to give her a broken toy. DAMN! That thing kicks some serious ass!!! Talk about fun! Now I dont get into video games and stuff but seriously, it's a good time. We brought it over to my cousin's house last weekend. She and I finally went to bed around 3-330am while George and her hubby stayed up till 5am playing GOLF. (Which I also have to admit is a fun game on the Wii!!!)

Christmas was good. I was SPOILED by George!!! I got THE most comfy undies from Victoria's as well a super cleavage bra. Seriously, I HATE wearing underwear. Hate them. Even thongs, I realize they're made to go up your ass crack but after a while you're STILL picking them out because they hurt. These suckers that he bought me-- HEAVEN. I freaking love them. (EE I know what you're thinking right now!), anyway, got a pair of slippers and red satin jammies from there also. Then I got a red robe and a beautiful diamond necklace. I love it. And I love him. (Awwwwww...)

New Years was ok. Pretty uneventful. We tried out a new restaurant that's about 40-45 min from our house. It's a Mexican restaurant. Um ya, don't order king crab from a mexican place. They were terrible. I had a cold to top it off so that probably made them worse. However the strawberry daquari that I had was probably one of the best ever. Ah, take the good w/ the bad. Anyway, we had to stop at George's house on the way back before heading to the bar. While he was doing whatever he had to do I ended up falling asleep. Woke up shortly after 11p and made it clear that if we were going we had to go now or I was going back to sleep. Ended up going to a bar that looked like it was packed. It was ok. Odd crowd but his brother was there so we stuck it out... till 4am.

So, now that I've written a book I'll try to add some pics of my life in the past month. Oh ya, and I started painting Bug's bedroom too. Ok, I started painting it a while ago but I ran out of paint. I managed to get 3 walls painted pink so I asked her to do the 4th green. Then she decided she wanted stripes... This is what we have so far--

Happy New Year Bitches!!!!

Feel better now that you're all caught up? :)

I hate winter & my "WHAT THE FUCK" moment of the day

2007-11-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

Oh have we gotten the snow over the past couple days. Ewww. School was cancelled Tuesday and then today they let the kids out early. At this time last year we had NO snow. We barely had any at Christmas time. I was thinking about getting Bug some cross country ski's but with the lack of snow it hardly made any sense. I get this is what I get for laughing at Vix last year. Damn it.

I recently re-found my gay friend Todd. We worked together at 2 different airlines and became the best of friends. We have the EXACT same taste in men and we'd always laugh about it. Whether one guy was "my" type or "his" type. We'd bet on it. It was sooo much fun. We'd lost touch a few years back but I somehow re-found him. I'm soooo happy!!! I made the fucker build a MS page too, which he FINALLY but reluctantly did yesterday. We've been chatting via MS for 2 days straight now. God I love him! He's my little man whore. Well come to find out today, in an email he says "did I ever tell you about the hot guy that I blew in baggage?" I told him he hadn't told me about it. Anyway to make a long story short, we did the same fucking guy! That was my "WHAT THE FUCK?" moment of the day!!! I used to call him (the hot guy) "Hollywood" because he was just so damn good looking. Ugh. Hot, muscular, Italian. HOT! Todd and I would smoke cigarettes in between flights and gawk at the hot men working the underground baggage for the various airlines. Sad to say but I cannot remember hot Italian guys name and neither can Todd. (Boy maybe we're both whores huh!?) I have it somewhere I'll have to dig it out to make absolutely CERTAIN it's the same guy. OMFG. What are the odds that I'd find a bisexual man!? I mean with women it's different. In my opinion anyway. Nice. Wonder if Todd got my leftovers or if I got his?!?!?!!?!? Hahahah!@ I'm sorry, all I can do is laugh. And maybe get an HIV test. Actually I've had one and I'm clean. Seriously though, it did make me think--- you think you know someone and you really don't. You have NO idea. Wow. So, that's my WTF moment of the day. Maybe I should start blogging those every day. I usually have at least one.

Tonight is the "big" game. Cowboys vs Packers. George and my cousins hubby have a big bet going. T's routing for the Cowboys (aka "America's Team") where as George is a diehard Packer Backer. They originally bet a case of beer but then decided that the case of beer will be drank and split between them during the game. Whoever is the loser, must go to the store and purchase apparel of the opposing team and get their picture taken in it (complete with smile and finger showing #1), which will then be included in the local paper to be on display for all to see... I will post the results. Ugh. Seems all the Packer fans actually think Dallas is going to win. I, myself, am not a huge football fan. I understand the game a bit but a game like today, with them both being 10-1, it's bound to be a good and interesting game. Unfortunately it starts at 815p which sucks goat balls since I'll have to have Bug home and in bed around 9ish. Oh well, then at I can flick back and forth between my beloved Grey's and the score of the game. I'm sure there will be yelling and screaming for all. My cousin is a GB fan so I'm sure she'll be locking the bedroom door!

Anyway, time for me to drink beer. I'll attempt to update tomorow!

Corset piercings --WTF?!

2007-11-15T16:48:00.001-08:00

Have you seen those pretty new "corset" style peircings that people are getting? Seriously this is fucking disturbing. Someone sent me an email about it one day and I was so grossed out that I couldn't even finish the email. Normally things like this don't bother me but for some reason this does. YUCK. Here are a couple images for you. Since I had to look so do you! I actually found these while searching "corset" on Photobucket, after this I don't think I'll be doing a search on that anytime soon!

This one just looks freaking RETARDED (sorry for using that term in case I offended anyone)

Ok sorry, I probably went a bit overboard but WHAT THE FUCK are these people thinking? I even came across a woman that had this done to her CLEVAGE!!!! WHY? Why people? I just don't get it and it just completely grosses me the fuck out. Ears, belly rings, nipple rings-- whatever. But the BACK!? Ewwww. *shudder*

Seriously...

2007-11-14T09:07:00.001-08:00

How can I NOT love this man??? A single pink rose for Bug because she's sick and 5 red ones for me? I am the luckiest girl in the world to have this man at my side... The card says "A rose for each day I'm away".

Sick kid, hunting & New Years

2007-11-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

Bug's home with the flu today. Not the pukey flu but the butt pee flu. Poor kid. Nothing like eating and then shitting it all out right away and wiping to the point that your asshole feels like it's on fire. Poor thing. But hey, at least she's not barfing all over the place. I'll take butt pee over that any day.

Rifle season (for deer) starts here on Thursday. It's like a freaking holiday. Half of the kids are out of school, all the guys (and some of the girls) take vacation for the rest of the week and everyone is out to get the biggest buck they can find. The local bars have "buck polls", and whoever has the biggest buck at the end of the 2 week season wins money. There are plastic "Welcome Hunters" signs all over the place-- outside of bars, the pharmacy etc. The strippers will be here this weekend. One night for the boys and one night for the girls. Yes, life changes for us up here during hunting season. George is leaving work today at noon to go home and finish up his hunting blind and then heading out to camp with his dad and brothers until Sunday. I'm really not used to having him gone. Good thing I got a good peice of ass at lunch yesterday! :)

He is going to the Packer-Lion game on December 30th. Bug is going with her Dad on December 21st and I pick her up in WI on January 1st so we've decided that I will pick him up and we'll spend New Years Eve somewhere in WI. Maybe Milwaukee, Appleton... who knows? Anyway, my point is that since I'll be outside of this hell hole I'm going to dress up and look HOT! So I need your help. I'm thinking red or black. Red is hot, black makes you look skinny.... But I'm open to either. Something hot. Not as in slutty-hot but like sexy-hot. Yes I do have an ENTIRE closet full of (mostly black) dresses that I have probably never worn but who likes what is in your closet you know? OH! Actually I think I have one that might work... Still, send me links people!!!

Sunday night we decided to make Christmas ornaments, you know the ones that consist of flour, salt & a bit of water? (I did throw some cinnamon in to make them smell nice.) Figured that Bug can color/paint them and give them out for Christmas. Besides it keeps her busy.

Here are some pics from ornament making and also more of the new baby. Yes I am so short that I had to stand on a chair. Nice huh? As well as the "if you take my picture I'm going to kill you" face. Also, notice the homemade rolling pin? George lost his in the divorce and I forgot mine at home! :) I also noticed when I uploaded the pics they're a bit out of order. Oh well, deal with it.

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Later bitches!

Week in review

2007-11-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

Hmmm.... Let's see.... I don't think I have anything interesting that happened this week.

I think we're going to see the Bee Movie later on. George is out preparing his blind as rifle season begins here on the 15th, and Bug is on the phone with her Dad. Once George gets back we'll talk him into going up to see the movie. Bug's really excited to see it.

The car is fixed. Uh... we'll see how long THIS lasts!!!

Candle party sucked. A bunch of people didn't show up so there was only like 4 of us there. I called George and told him to come over bc he needed some new stuff for the house since she took quite a bit. He bought around $80 worth of stuff. Ok, well he bought this

And then got a candle set for $9.95 for spending over $40 or something like that. I haven't decided what I'm getting yet. I'm going to still try to get some more orders.

My neice tried climbing up her dresser yesterday and it fell over on top of her. This kid is *so* accident prone! She ended up w/ a bloody nose, a huge bump on the head and a bruise on her shoulder. She's damn lucky she didn't break any bones or her legs!!!

My friend Jess had her baby!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!! She went in around 330am Friday morning and had her at 611am. Pushed for 10 minutes. Lucky bitch. Anyway, I HAD to leave work yesterday to go meet her. She is simply adorable. I'm in love. You forget how tiny they are. She was so good, didn't cry or anything. Ugh. All I really wanted her TO do was cry so that I could give her back and get the "babyitis" that I have out of my system. No such luck. I'll just have to go up and steal her from time to time! :) Oh she really is cute.

I have no idea what to do between now and the movie. I'm tired. After the party we all stayed around and drank beer. George and I ended up staying longer than everyone else. I think we got home around 230am. We sat there and talked and just had such a good time. That's one thing with him that is so refreashing. We were friends first before anything else. That is something that I don't think I've ever really had. Not like the type of friends that we were anyway. It's hard to explain. It just seems that for the first time in my life I'm with someone that I feel I can be 100% open and honest with and also get the same in return. I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Couple of highlights from last night---

This one's for you V-- :)

Later bitches!!!!!!!

I hate winter

2007-11-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

Have I ever told you how much I hate winter? Seriously I do. Some people hate the cold, some the snow. I hate it all. Cold-- well that's obvious, snow is pretty to look at but sucks to drive in, brush off the bar, no matter how hard you try to carefully walk in it, the bottom of your pants are always wet. And then because I'm 5 foot nothing I end up having to change them because the pants then get the socks wet etc. Ugh.

Needless to say, Bug was THRILLED when she woke up and saw the white shit outside. Barf. I say bring it on for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day and then it can go away and bring back the 80 degree weather. THAT is what I'm talking about!

I'm having a candle party on Friday. Who knows if anyone will show up. Especially if this f'n weather keeps up.

I have parent-teacher conferences tomorrow. At 7pm. Goodie. I can't wait. (Hear the sarcasm?)

Bug's gone to a friends house again and George is eating at his parents house so I'm alone. Well, I have the dog and the cat but... Know what I'm eating for dinner? (vix you might not want to read), Sweet & Hot beef jerky (Jack Links of course), Sour Cream & Onion Ruffles and a Mountain Dew. How's that for heathy???

Speaking of, I've had a chest cold for FOUR weeks. I haven't gone to the Dr bc they just tell me to go home. Uh... FOUR weeks?! I'm thinking maybe I should suck it up and go. It was all tight in the beginning but now it's just yuck. I cough non stop all day and then at night it's literally non stop. To the point that I gag. Ya it's gross. If only I could cough up a great big lugie I'd feel fantastic!!!

Got my car back last Wednesday. Ended up with a punctured tire on Saturday. How's that for luck?

Oh! T2 is gone! YEAH!!!! I don't have to "share" anymore! Or hide. Or whatever you want to call it. I'm loving this!!! He is back in his house now and is happy as can be. Bug and I haven't stayed there bc he won't let my dog come with. She still has an occasional accident and he doesn't want her pissing on the carpet. Ok whatever. I'm losing him again on Tuesday to HUNTING CAMP. I think he'll be gone Tues-Sunday. Probably good since "Aunt Flo" is supposed to be here for a visit this week. Although she hasn't been here for a couple months now. Wouldnt' it be GREAT if this time I was knocked up? Oh can you imagine?! Good Lord!

Speaking of, Saw the movie Knocked Up last night. It was ok. I think George has decided to never have children. He was laughing at the chick in the movie screaming during labor. I just looked at him and said "Uh, *that* is what it's really like you know". He is now considering a vasectomy.

My sister is now on MS and has become a MS whore. I love it. I knew I'd have her addicted in no time.

My friend is preg and due ANY day. I panicked when I got home from work and she wasn't home and didn't answer her cell and our other mutual friend wasn't home. I finally called her MIL. I thought her Dr's appt was today but I guess it's not till tomorrow. I was thinking they kept her. I need a baby fix. I'm freaking DREAMING about her baby. I think I have SERIOUS issues.

So...

I got nothing else. I suck.

Later bitches!

Happy Halloween!!!

2007-11-02T04:02:00.000-07:00

Dont' really have time to post right now but I'll leave you with some pictures from Halloween night as well as Saturday night! Enjoy bitches!

Cherries

2007-10-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning wondering how they make maraschiino cherries. No idea WHY I would wake up and think of this... No cherries off of a tree have ever tasted like the little ones in the glass jars or the ones tha top my ice cream.. Of course I had to look it up on the internet. Odd.

Two posts from me in less than 24 hours!? Wow!

We went to the pumpkin patch yesterday and got some pumpkins. Of course I promised to carve them today at some point. Yeah. Lucky me. I actually hate carving pumpkins. The first one or two-- fine but I got FOUR of them yesterday. Why in the hell would I do that?! Maybe you'll get lucky and I'll post pics of our masterpieces later!

3 weeks

2007-10-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been 3 weeks since I posted last. I suck. I realize this. I used to do so good on my last blog but I guess I sort of... fell out of touch w/ it? IDK what the fuck you'd call it....

So let's see what's happened over the past 3 weeks that I can catch you up on...

T2 is moving away. Like--- FAR AWAY. HOURS & HOURS away!!! This will happen in approximately a week or so. I'm excited yet I'm not. I feel bad that she feels she's been forced to leave. Then again, on the other hand, she has no family and a handful of friends here so it's not like there's anything really keeping her here. Like I told George, I firmly believe the only reason she stayed after he moved out was to try to win him back.

That didn't work....

He/they officially filed on October 1st. YEAH!!!!! Sounds childish and petty but I am SOOOO excited. Hopefully it'll only take the 60 days they say it will by law. Who knows? She's leaving. Besides that, it's not like he's the first man going through a divorce that has a girlfriend right? Right. So yeah me, yeah him. And good for her for getting a new job and moving. I know for a fact that she's sick and tired of hearing all the bullshit about he and I swarming through town. It's insane! Like people have nothing better to talk about than the two of us. Personally, I think we're pretty boring but I'm thinking we're going to make the front page of the local newspaper pretty damn soon!

Our first "outing" will be Halloween. Who knows if she'll still be here or not... I'm not sure. I do believe that this week will be her final week here at her job. She is planning on leaving by next week. George is happy bc he gets his house back!!! Good for him! He's been staying at his parents cottage and I know he's really looked forward to moving back into the house. This is both good and bad for me. I know once he's back in there he won't be wanting to stay here... :( That sucks. Then again, if I'd just gotten my house back, I can't say as I'd really want to leave it either. I asked if I could bring my dog over.. He didn't sound too enthusiastic about it so I guess we'll just have to wait and see. T2 got a dog, which he doesn't really like. I told him I'd keep her off of the furniture.. We'll just have to see who wins. :) I'm guessing over time I'll win him over. I don't think he can tell me no.... :) Oh who am I kidding!? Of COURSE he can!!!!!!! :) Hahaha. I guess time will tell.

Oh anyway, Halloween. No, wait. He bowls w/ a league on Thursday nights. Last Thursday (as in like 2 Thursdays ago) I met them down at the bar for a couple and then headed up to the bowling alley with them for a couple more. APPARENTLY bc we're *SO* interesting, it was rumored that we exchanged "I love you"'s for everyone to hear. Uh.. no. That never happened. See how shit gets around in this po-dunk town? Funny. I did however, give him a little peck on the lips as I was leaving. Anyway, met them up there again this week and said really loud in front of everyone "I LOVE YOU HONEY!!!!". We both thought it was funny shit. Anyway, he was really brave and kissed me while I was there and before I left. So... ya, I'm guessing that we're "outing" now instead of after she leaves. Oh well, might as well just prove GNCT right as well as everyone else's suspicions right?! Fuck them all.

Oh yes, Halloween. Sorry for the tangent again. Three of us are dressing up as Bumblebees aka "Bumblebabes". We each have a different bee costume. I'd put the pics of them up here but unfortunately I think the only one that will look even remotely like the pic (if not better) is L. J & I will suck. MINE royally sucks. I'm highly disappointed in it. I knew before I got it that witih the exception of the hair, I look nothing like the chick modeling the costume. Fuck. Oh well. I will MAKE it work I guess. I need something to suck in the sperm pouch, the extra flab o the hips and give me the boobs of a super model.. That's not too much to ask is it???? Fairy Godmother????

So this was all a big secret from G since he was making such a big deal out of it. It just turned into something funny. We showed every person he worked with except him. Well Friday I came up w/ a GREAT idea so I had to tell him that we're Bumblebabes and he should be the "Babekeeper". How fucking funny is that shit? He can dress up in kahki (yes boring I know) with a big net etc. Hey, he wanted to make his own costume and it's down to the nitty gritty. Someone also suggested that he get a whip to keep us in line. I said that I needed one for a stinger! :) Then again, I do still have the cat of 9 tails from last year... I suggested getting us collars and leashes but I'm not too sure how the girls will go for that. :) I know I'd have a lot of damn fun w/ it later though!!!

My fucking car has been broken for over a week. My uncle was supposed to order a part on Thursday when he went to work. I thought it would've been here Friday but I haven't heard from him at all. Ugh. So I'm STILL carless. I'm telling you when I get it, I'm driving it STRAIGHT to a dealership and trading the bitch in. I'm all done w/ that shit.

I have a chest cold too. Had it for about a week. I just can't cough anything up. It's tight and hurts like a son of a bitch. Ugh.

G & I went to spend the night out of town last Friday. We had a good time. It was nice to spend the night with him alone. No worrying about who is driving past my house, no kids, no pets, no nothing,. Just the two of us. We went to dinner and then met up with some friends of ours and had some drinks and then back to the hotel. A good time had by all. I'd called in that Friday as I wasnt' feeling well. Thursday I'd been at the bowling alley but I'd only had maybe 4 drinks and shot of lemondrop so I KNEW I wasn't hung over. I didn't know what the hell was up. Just didn't feel right. Crossed my mind that he might have knocked me up! OMG can you imagine!? I wasn't really "late"... yet. I was supposed to start that week and just didn't... But this also happened last month too. Like you care to know about all this eh? Oh well. It's my blog. Anyway, finally felt better and was able to eat something before we left. I felt better as the night wore on. Saturday I felt fairly normal when I got up but grabbed and pg test when we stopped at Target to get our crap anyway. Just in case you know. Took it Sunday morning and it was negative. YEAH!!!! Needless to say the last couple of months w/ my body being fucked up, as I've assured him that this is normal for me, we've still been a little freaked out. Oh well. I'm not willing to give up the sex so what do you do? We've talked about it and if it's in the cards, then it's in the cards. We're two responsible (ok, semi-respnsible) adults and we know what we're doing. At least we're conscience of it. :) And I take my pill religiously in the morning! :)

YA, I know you wanted to know all about that huh?

Well, I suppose. It's boring o'clock on a Saturday an while SOME of you are out having a GREAT time watching BO I'm stuck home doing nothing like usual. :) (G's gone to hunting camp.) I'll try to update more and if not, I'll at least stick some pics up from Halloween! If I forget remind me ok!?

Later bitches!

Heart Attack

2007-09-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Ya, I don't have much time since Grey's will be on shortly, however I have to share my mini heart attack story with you.

Bug and I went to her open house at school today. We visited her classroom and her locker and all the things that you do at those functions. She'd heard they were having snacks in the cafeteria so we decided to check it out. I'm a sucker for baked goods so why the hell not right? We grabbed a cookie to split as well as a cup of juice. We'd been sitting for a couple of minutes and she says "Oh mom! There's our new secretary!!!!" She's just waving away so I turned around and talk about a holyshitithinkijustshitmyfuckingspants moment if I've ever had one. It was HER. T2. The soon to be ex wife of George. OMFG. I honestly cannot tell you if I smiled if I looked like I just shit my pants, if I was sitting on a hemmeroid. I have no fucking clue. I froze, yet my armpits started sweating profusely. OMFG OMFG OMFG!!!! UGH. Now this woman HATES my living guts. Seriously. I wish that I could have been "normal" towards her and said hello etc. but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I 'd really like to explain to her what happened between us and that *I* am NOT the reason that her marriage fell apart but you know? No matter what I say, no matter what I do. I'm a peice of shit in her eyes. I have wrecked her life. Nothing I say will be believed.

Now I would hate to be in her shoes. She was in the cafeteria to get some coffee. Now had it been me in her shoes, I probably would have turned around and walked away. Because that's me. I would HATE to see the woman that my ex was seeing before our divorce was finalized. Strictly becuase I can't blame her for thinking the things that she does. But there is NO way that she will be reassured. She sent him a rather nasty email yesterday asking when "it" will all be done so that he can stop sneaking around with me. You know, we don't sneak. She and her friend have walked up here and have seen his truck parked in my driveway. She even called him on it. We've NEVER denied our friendship. She knows that we talk, email etc. There is nothing to hide. Anyway, I just wanted OUT of that cafeteria like you cannot believe. So Bug and I downed our juice and away we went. Well wouldn't you know. Every single place I went in that hallway--- there she was. Like a vulture waiting for it's prey. Seriously, THAT is exactly how I felt.

Would she have said something to me? I'm not sure. I really don't know. Sometimes I think that she's just waiting for the right time. This weekend for instance, George left to see a friend and will be out of town until Sunday. She knows this. She knows that he isn't here to come to my aide or whatever you want to call it. I just don't know. I've seen the chick go off on him IN the bar in front of everyone. She doesn't care. Yet, when you meet her she's totally different. Probably one of the genuinelly nicest people I've ever met. It's just odd. I mean sure, we all have that front that we put up when we meet people, we're all on our best behavior...

But you know, SHE chose to stay here. She used to tell him that HE took her away from her family.... Uh.... REALLY!? Because I'm pretty sure she moved her on her own free will... I still cannot believe she kept her job here this year. Cannot believe that. We figured for sure that she would have left. Then again, in a way, I can see why she'd keep her job and stay here. Number one I guess it's her "dream" job. But number two, if I were her, I wouldn't have given up hope. I'd have stayed and tried to work things out with him...

Then again, he's VERY complex. When his mind is made up--- that's it. There are no questions, no if's, and's or but's. He's just "done". It's almost like he completely disassociates himself from everything and turns his feelings off with a flick of a switch. It's odd. When it comes to me, I see so much love in his eyes and his actions. Yet when it comes to "them", he seems numb. Completely numb and almost heartless in a way... Not in a Idontgiveafuckaboutyou sort of way but more of a "this is done and you need to put your big girl panties on and just deal with it". I don't know. I think I'd be hurt if my marriage had failed, even if *I* was the one that wanted to end things. I think I'd still be sad. I know I've never broken up with someone and NOT felt bad about it.

Oh well.

Listen bitches, it's been nice venting to you but I gotsta go. Bug's got homework and I have a date w/ the TV when Grey's comes on!

<3,
Me

Hmmm...

2007-09-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a while since I've hopped on here. I had decided not to do halloween this year because of GNCT and then re-decided to go. Well now the 2 girls that were coming w/ me backed out. They both actually have legit reasons but it still sucks. Another friend of mine is still game. We're thinking about going as angels. Fitting don't you think?

George will be filing FINALLY. Get the shit done! Ugh.

My baby girl turned 7 yesterday. It's so hard to believe that she's that old already. Where does all the time go?

The house is coming along. Slowly but surely. I still have crap in the garage that needs to be put away but at least the rest of the house is pretty much put together. Just some painting to do now.

My fucking dog has been insane since we moved here. She's chewing EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE DAY. And every day she's shitting somewhere in the house. I fucking come home from work on a daily basis to let her out too. I think she's jealous of George to be quite honest. But today I came home and she had Bug's clothes box from her bday chewed up as well as a peice of wood that she got some God only knows where. I still can't figure it out. Yesterday, it was the cats cardboard scratching thing and a package that held Bug's make-up set. UGH seriously!? Where is the Dog Whisperer when I need him??????

My mom went right off the deep end. She's fucking crazy. She sent me an email Sunday morning before my daughter's bday party basically ripping me to shreads. All I can say about it is WTF?! Maybe I'll write more on that later. We'll see...

That's about all I have believe it or not. I had a bunch of stuff earlier that I'd thought about but now I can't remember what the hell it was. Go figure.

Later betches!

Mother Fucker

2007-09-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

So I found a website today (pyzam) that does blogger layouts now. Do you THINK the mother fucker would let me actually use one!? Fuck no. Fucking fuck. They make it look all easy peasy and it's not. Lying bastards.

In other news...

I moved to a new house. Sorry for my lack of postings Ive been busy. Although I think that this will be my new welcome sign

Have I told you I'm a homewrecking whore!? Yes folks, apparently I am. Acutally I'm not. I had nothing to do w/ the demise of their marriage. Anyone who knows me knows this. The entire town as well as the "sister town" across the bay thinks I am! Seriously, there's a few thousand people around here but holy fuck! I mean, you cannot fart without your neighbor knowing.

The bitch who works in HR at work, oh ya, she called a couple of people into a fellow co-workers office and proceeded to tell them "Did you know that George left his wife for Lolita and is now moving in with her?" OMFG you have GOT to be kidding me!!! I find it funny. In fact I have started a rumor about myself that I'm knocked up too. With twins. But they have different dads. I think George is the father of one and my cousin is the father of the other one, but since I'm such a whore I can't be sure... Fucking fucktards. Seriously!?

Then again, I guess I did bring it upon myself huh?

BUT, in my defense *I* was not the cause of their failed marriage. They dated for 4 months before getting married. FOUR. Do you really know someone in 4 months? I think not. They were married by 6 as I'm sure I've said 100 times in this blog already. Whatthefuckever people.

My ex's gf is having a FIELD day with this. Leaving comments all over myspace about being a homewrecking whore. OH! And now apparently I'm Sasquatch too. Can a person help if they have hair on their arms? This chick is nearly 40 years old. GROW THE FUCK UP YOU CUNT!

UGH. I hate people!

So I was thinking about getting this for Halloween--- What do you think?

I think it's perfect!!!

Last year we went as pirate wenches. This year we're thinking about honoring the troops. What do you think of this? I actually owe it to Vixen because she's the one that found it for me. MUAH!

Ya I'm thinking a little 40's hair style and I'll rock. Bright red lips. Debating on shoes or red hooker boots with fishnets. What do you think???? Suppose I should find something to cover my ass too. That'd be a plus. Found these a couple years ago but I'm thinking they're just too frilly for under the itty bitty dress. :)

So there you have it. In my drunken stupor the other night I'd emailed the girls and said that I wasn't going. I wasn't dealing w/ GNCT (the ex's gf lovingly referred to as giraffe neck camel toe for VERY obvious reasons). However, today i'm feeling spunky. Let's fuck that bitch up! She will never be as hot as me anyway! She's too manly and giraffe like.

Let's see, what else can I pull out of my ass for you.....

I'm in love. Yes, I finally admitted it to him. I love him. I'm in love with him. He's everything I thought that he'd be and so much more. I still get butterflies from him. We've been able to do more things together recently. He helped me move etc. Tonight we took a nice ride in the woods to get away from reality. Had a "nooner" for lunch. :) It's just been really nice. You know how sometimes when you meet someone and you think they're a certain way and then after a while you realize they just irritate the living fuck out of you? I haven't gotten to that point and I sure as hell hope I don't!!! Now I know WHY I was like I was towards him for so many years. I must've seen something in him. I dont know but he makes me happy and that's what life is all about is it not? Yes it is. And sure, maybe we got to know each other under "wrong" circumstances but I think that it helped us grow as friends from where we were. I never once told or asked him to leave her. *I* was not going to carry that burdeon on my shoulders. He assured me that he was NOT leaving her because of me but because it had been a long time coming. They both knew it wasn't going to last.

So you know what? Let this gossipy little town talk all they want about me. I'm happy, I'm healthy and I have the man of my dreams beside me (ok not right now, he's at the bar but I'm sure he'll be here later...). :) LOL, Either way, I'm not giving up my happiness to appease some gossipy fucks in this town. I live my life for ME and only me. Ok, for my daughter too. But I certainly do NOT live it for the people of this community that have nothing better to do with their piddly boring ass lives. Maybe they need to get laid? You know, bitches are so much happier if they just get a little bit of dick in their vagina's every now and then. Tight ass ho's.

Ok I'm done. Aren't you glad that you waited for that post!? Hahaha!

Loving you!

sorry

2007-09-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around. To my 1 reader. i'm drunk

I moved i'll write more later.

My Erotic Personality...

2007-08-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Go figure on this. At first I was actually kind of shocked at my results but now I totally agree. I can see where I get off on the danger and excitement of it all! :)

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Risk-Taker!

The Risk-Taker needs an adrenaline rush to know sexual excitement. If it’s verboten, The Risk-Taker is first in line to give it a try. Defying social conventions turns this erotic type on like nothing else. If it’s liable to get them fired, divorced, or ex-communicated, their sexual juices flow fast and furious. They’re not likely to “listen to reason” because level-headedness is at odds with their needs. Most of them practice some form of this risky business in their daily lives, but some of them only fantasize about it. Either way, it is the notion that intrigues them above all others. Danger is an aphrodisiac to The Risk-Taker, and they are drawn to it regardless of the consequences.

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

Slack ass

2007-08-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

Well I see I've been slacking on this blog too.... Actually I think I've posted more recently on this one than the other but... IDK. I guess life just hasn't been that interesting....

YA RIGHT!

I have no idea where I left off...

Things will soon get easier. George is moving closer. Thank God!

I hate when I'm not with him. I really do. He makes me very happy. I'm also *trying* to stay very level-headed.... Key word *trying*. It's very hard.

I often think about how things will change... Maybe things sound good right now but will they be? Will be possibly decide that it's too much too soon? I guess anything is possible. All I can do is not give up hope.

We watched the meteor shower together on his back deck. All we did was laugh. Ok, that wasn't *all* we did but... We just had such a good time. It was cold. The nights are getting very chilly around here which sucks. He brought out the sleeping bag and we snuggled up in it and watched for the shooting stars. I didn't have wishes to make however, because at that moment, I didn't have anything to wish for, for I already had it all. I had everything that I wanted.

Anyone who knows me know that I over-think things. I dwell on things. Or maybe it's just that I analyze things. And I do. I know that I do. Lately my mind has been wandering back to every time I'd seen George. I've always had a "thing" for him. Always. For years. I walked up to him many years ago in the bar and proceeded to tell him that I knew who he was, where he lived, who he had dated etc. Uh hmmm... Can you say FREAK!? I dont' know what I'd have done if someone did that to me. I'm really not sure. All I remember is that I felt *SO* dumb. Seriously. DUMB. See, he dated a girl that I went to school with for about 6 years. Shortly after they broke up is when I think I'd cornered him in the bar. I still to this day don't know why I did that. I'm not the type of chick that will walk up to anyone in the bar. Especially someone that I don't know. Now if I'm loaded, of course that's a different story, but that day I wasn't. I can still remember where my friends and I were sitting. I can remember my conversation with him and the crazy look he gave me. I remember ending the conversation and where he went back to sit in the bar. The next thing I know, he's with some cute blonde in the pharmacy when I worked there. I remember them walking in. I remember being flabbergasted and confused. I remember not ever seeing her before but how happy they both looked. I remember what prescription they were getting filled and his arm around her waist. I'm really not sure why I so vividly remember these things. Especially about someone that I didn't know very well.

He married her. He broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years and married the cute blonde. I think they dated for maybe 4 months before getting engaged and were married by 6 months of being together.

She used to be very happy and carefree. Or that's how she seemed to me. I hadn't really talked to her in those years that passed. I'd see him in the bar quite a bit. We'd always give each other knowing looks and maybe say a few words but not too much. Until the night I decided to be "really" honest with him again.

Yes, it was another bar night. I was table dancing that night. I was in prime form. I decided that I should talk to him and his friend. I decided to tell him what I thought about him, what I was capable of doing to him etc.... Ya, one of *those* nights.... It was nice. Of course at this point we had been friends. A different night in another bar he had given me his email address for one reason or another and we'd been emailing back and forth. Of course Monday morning there was a nice email from him.... Talk about being MORTIFIED!!!!! All I could do was shake my head and slouch in my chair at work from embarrassment.

We've emailed for a couple of years now. Completely innocent. We play off of each other when we run into each other. We're both huge flirts so it's soooooo much fun!

He and the blonde ended up having issues. To me, she isn't the happy-go-lucky person that she once was. We were out for one of his co-workers and my friends birthday parties a couple months back. She met him down there later that night. I tried my damnest to hold a conversation with her and I just couldn't. Now, I can talk to just about anyone without a problem. With her I couldn't. She's just not very personable. Or maybe it was just me? I don't know. I ran into them again another time after that. Well actually it was Thirsty Thursday and he and I were both there with some mutual friends. He was supposed to be home around 6pm. Well 6p came and went and we made him call her. Actually, another guy that was with us called her to come down. George ended up calling her back or getting on the phone with her. We figured we'd invite her down. She came and had a drink with us. She wasn't happy but she did. She and I talked a bit that night. I'd tried talking her into getting a tattoo with us that following week but she was uncertain as her sister was due to be induced and she wanted to be there. Understandable. I asked her when they were going to have a baby of their own and she explained that she was ready but he wasn't. Throughout the next couple of hours she became quite upset. She wanted to leave and she wanted him to leave with her. He was playing pool and wasn't ready to leave. She warned him that no matter what time he got home he "WILL be outside working on the deck". He shrugged her off. I think this was the point where I realized that they "really" had problems. I knew beforehand but I think it was that point that it really hit me. Wow. Not long after, she went home.

That was a couple of months ago. Since then he has asked her for a divorce. She's beside herself. I would be too. I think he pretty much hit her with a Mack truck. I don't think she saw it coming. Or maybe she did and maybe she didn't WANT to see it. I know that I wouldn't.

The question is, how much can you really know someone in four months? Do you know them well enough to get married to them? A couple of my co-workers did this. Within 4-7 months of meeting someone they got married. One is happily married and moved near her VERY large, VERY Catholic family. They were married maybe 3+ years ago and have a baby that must be going on 2-2 1/2 by now. Another guy met a girl and was married within maybe 5 months. They have a little girl that is 1 1/2 maybe and have another on the way due around Halloween. Then another met a girl and was married within about 3-4 months. He doesn't plan on having children. She relocated here to be with him. I can't remember where she's from.... Anyway, I guess that it's possible for these couples to survive but why? Why would they make it and George & the cute blonde wouldn't?

In my eyes it's the newness of it. In every new relationship you're in with someone, it seems that you have *so* much in common. You have the "newness". You have the excitement of being with someone new. You don't want to argue with them so you give in over the littlest things. Until you get settled. Once you get settled the disagreements start. You learn things about the other person that you were blinded by before. Or things that you overlooked. Maybe because you wanted to and maybe because you just didn't notice. Every relationship has this stage. It'll make or break it for you.

I don't believe in sugar coating. *This* is who I am. I'm not perfect, I make my share of mistakes. I'm a slob. My hair isn't always done. I'm not always wearing makeup and my nails are rarely painted. My dishes might stay in the sink for a couple days, my legs aren't always shaved. *This* is who I am. I will never pretend to be someone I'm not. Why fall in love with someone only to figure out months down the line that that is not really who they are?

So... he is moving. He and I have talked in depth about things. We have met on occasion. We care for each other. I believe we are both falling in love.

However, I'm still very scared. I'm scared because he's been with someone for roughly 10 years. And I don't really know his story before he was with my old classmate. Although I know he was in college so I can only imagine! :) Maybe when all is said and done, he'll decide that he needs time to himself? Maybe he'll decide that he wants to be with me? Anything is possible. I'm trying to stay a bit guarded so that I am prepared for whatever happens. I don't want my heart broken again. I don't WANT to fall in love with him until I know that it's safe. Sure, he reassures me over and over in his own way but... I'm still doubtful. I've never been through a divorce. I'm sure it cannot be easy to go through your house and pick what you're taking and what you're leaving. What you want and what she wants. How do you choose photographs? Things that you both cherish? The memories of things that you bought together? Whether you want a divorce or not, it cannot be easy for either party involved. I'm afraid of what that will do to him. How it will make him feel by having to leave his own home, the home that he built, the home that they built together. The memories that they must have in it... Granted that he will have it back in 9-10 months due to their agreement but it cannot be easy to sort through things and know that the vows that you took to love and cherish that person forever is over. I'm very scared. I don't know how *I* would feel. When you talk to him, you know that it's what he wants. She does not want this at all. I feel for her. I know what it's like to want to be with someone, whether the situation is good or bad, you WANT to be with them. It's hard when they don't want you back. When they don't need you back like you need them. They don't love you back in the way that you love them. I've been there. It sucks. It's the worst type of pain a person can go through. In my book anyway.

So I dont know. I dont know where this will go. I'm excited to find out. I know that his decision for this divorce was not because of me. Did I put some life back into him? Probably. I made life fun again. I showed him that there is so much out there that he's not getting. Sure, I did all of those things, but as a friend. We were always friends first. Nothing more and nothing less. Granted that yes, things have changed over time. However, what still remains the same is that he was not happy with the way that his life was.

I often wonder why we were put into the place we were. With my crush on him for so many years. Why did he finally see in me what I've seen in him for so long? I thought about it today, which for whatever reason I was thinking about my ex. He was not my type AT ALL. He's short, big nose, thin. I dont know, just nothing that I have ever been attracted to. Now George on the other hand, is everything I've always wanted. He's tall, not super thin but definately not heavy. I love his body. It's perfect. I used to think that his eyes were plain. They're not. They have so much expression to them. They say so many things. They're so sexy. He has dimples. I love dimples. His lips are very full. I love the things that he says to me. He has said things to me that I've imagined I'd hear one day but have never up until this point. The way that he says things to me. They just make me melt. His emails and IM's make my heart skip. He broke my walls down without me even knowing. I don't know how he did it or when. I guess I've always had a thing for him but... it's like a dream come true. He's just so much more than I imagined he'd be. I couldn't have ever imagined he'd be this wonderful.

I guess I feel that Fate/ God/ someone/thing brought him into my life for a reason. I don't know why. I'm not sure why. I'm excited to find out. I can't WAIT to find out!!!

Time Has Told....

2007-08-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was just re-reading my last post and "time will tell" really stuck out at me... Well, time has told.

Shortly, things will be so much easier in life. I hope. I can't help but to analyze everything in life. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. However it's also a HUGE pain in the ass!!!

I can analyze a friends situation. I can tell them things about themselves that they're suprised that I know considering they've never told me. I can give them my honest opinion on something, from my point of view, and I'm usually right on, or close to it. But when it comes to myself and the things in "my" life... forget it. I over analyze situations instead of leaving them be.

I'm an emotional person by nature. I have a heart of platinum. I'd do almost anything for anyone. It's a pro but also a con. I never hang up or leave my parents, or family in general, without telling them that I love them. If something ever happens to me or to them, I want to know that those were my last words. I want to know that they know that I love them. I don't want to regret my last words to anyone. That's how I grew up. I can't recall a time that I've ever left or hung up saying anything differently. I talk to them almost daily.

My family is odd. We are a close family in a way, yet we rarely do things together outside of holidays. We don't really have the summer picnics or the get togethers just for the hell of it. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas--those are the times that we can count on everyone being there. Today, the first Sunday in August we always have a picnic at my Uncle's house on my dad's side of the family. That's the only time I see the majority of those people. It's just weird. I could understand if we lived in seperate towns or far away but we don't. Since I moved back, we all live in close proximity to one another...

I always wanted the big family. The happy family. The one that gets together just because they can. No, more-so, because they want to. I always imagined my life as I age surrounded by that big happy family, parents, grandparents, kids etc. I guess time will tell.

There it is again-- time will tell...

In one aspect of my life, it has told. Thursday night as I was outside with the puppy I saw a shooting star. I dont know as if I really made a wish but I do know what was on my mind at the time. I tend not to wish very often on things unless I REALLY need something but in reality I know that I'm grasping for things that normally won't come true. Wishing on a star won't bring me the things that I want-- only fate can do that. Fate is definately something I believe in. We all have a fate, a destiny. I only wish I knew what mine was...

Maybe this is the beginning of mine? Maybe my life is turning around and it's finally time for me to be happy. Finally time for me to focus on what *I* want in my life instead of my focusing on everyone else's happiness. Yet, in the same breath, I realize that I cannot control certain things in my life.

All I know is that right now. This very minute. I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

I have a friend and he brings such joy into my life. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He is sincere and honest and caring, even though he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. I look into his eyes and they tell me what I need to know. Although it's always good to hear, I'll take what I can get for the time being... because I have to. Yesterday, he told me that he's happy. I loved hearing that. I love hearing that *I* make him happy. The best thing about it all--- we were friends first. After all, isn't it important to have a friendship as a base for things? And I know, that no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome, I will still have a friend in him.

We have the sort of relationship that is honest. He is a very "closed book" type of person whereas I'm just about the complete opposite. Yet, he is comfortable telling me about things in his life. Things, that given the situation, I'm surprised that he's comfortable telling me. Yet, I'm not shocked. I'm not upset or uncomfortable... I give him my opinion as a friend would and not someone that is anything more or anything less. If I was a selfish person I'd probably answer differently but I'm not. I could not in good conscience give him my opinion as anything other than a friend. I think he has respect for that. I think he appreciates that. He tells me things that he hasn't told even his best friends. I'm very thankful that he's comfortable telling me these things. I hate seeing him torn, in turmoil, about his life... Hopefully things will get easier for him soon.

However, in the same breath I'm very scared as to how he will react in a couple of months. I'm not quite sure I know the frame of mine he's in. Yet I am. It's so hard to explain and it's probably me analyzing things instead of going with the flow. But that's what I do. I normally live my life day to day without looking too much into the future because it's so uncertain. However, when it comes to my heart, I can't help but to do that. Especially when I come to the realization that I've let my guard down and my heart is unprotected. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with feeling open and exposed. Well, I guess I am when I know it's reciprocated. Otherwise, if I feel I'm in limbo. I don't like that feeling. Not at all. But I have. I have let my guard down and I'm exposed. I feel naked in the middle of a blizzard. I guess time will tell as to whether I eventually feel comfortable with that. After all, I am the one that let my guard down and exposed myself.

Sometimes you have to do that in life... Sometimes you have to make sacrifices.

Update

2007-07-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

What a night I had last night. I finally decided to go to sleep around 130a. Shut the TV off, blew out the candles, brushed my teeth and pulled the blanket back to hop into bed when I spot a big, black fucking spider run across my bed!!!!! Ugh. I tried to find it so I could kill it and acutally sleep in my own bed but I didn't have any luck. So I found a sheet and proceeded to make myself a bed on the good 'ol comfy couch in the living room--- AWAY from the spider. Ewww. So I lay down and call the dog to sleep with me. As I'm petting her ear I feel something "funny". Got up, turned the light back on and start searching. Yes folks, it was a big, fat, motherfucker of a woodtick. That bitch had to have been there for almost a week. GROSS. It was damn near the size of a dime and grey for whatever reason. Almost wrinkly. Like it'd sucked out so much blood and then ... well IDK. It was just gross. It was pruney looking. IDK. I always heard that the longer they're attached the bigger they get but this wasn't what I expected. It looked like an old 90 year old tick. Never seen one all wrinkley like that. Or grey for that matter!

I finally laid down to sleep close to 2am I think.

3am and the phone rings. It's my G. They'd just gotten back to the hotel. God it was just so nice to hear his voice. We talked about many things over the course of the next 2 hours. Things that we would like to do, where exactly we stand. Well, not exacly but the vicinity. Things are much clearer to me now as I think they are to him.

Time will tell.

I think I will drive to the airport tomorrow night and greet him. I think he'd like that.

I miss him.

Lips of an Angel

2007-07-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I got the phone call that I've been waiting for. "G" is out of town and I thought for sure that I'd hear from him last night when he got to his destination but I didn't... I was up till 2am, mostly playing on the pc but secretly hoping my phone would ring. I even slept w/ my cell on my bed so I'd hear it just in case. Pathetic huh? Ya, I thought so too. Oh well what do you do?

He finally called this evening. I cannot tell you how freaking nice it was to hear his voice. Ugh. Just brought a smile to my face right away. I can picture his smile. He has the best smile. It's cheesy. IDK how to explain. The lips, dimples, teeth and he always sticks his tongue behind his teeth. Or maybe it just seems that way, I'm not really sure. He has an infectious laugh. Totally adorable. I wish I had a recording of it to play for you. You have no idea how many times throughout my day it rings through my ears and just brings such a smile to my face. The laugh, the smile... just the way he is in general. We all have flaws and he does too but the personality soooooo makes up for it. He's just the most handsome man. Always happy. Always smiling. Always giddy. Or maybe it's just me that makes him that way? Could be... :) lol

I love the way he touches me. I love the way he talks to me. Smiles at me. Teases me. Flirts with me. And wow! Can we flirt!!! That's how it all started. Innocent flirting. Two years ago. Slowly at first and then I kept noticing him out places. We'd exchange an occasional email here and there. Always keep in touch. Eye contact when we were out. But never acted on anything.

He's my poison.

Women

2007-07-23T19:27:00.001-07:00

Ladies, why do we do the things we do? Why is it that we may not be attracted to whomever it is that we're with and don't want to be with them... yet we don't want to let anyone else either? Why is it that we can be total bitches and despise these men but we can't let them go? Is it because we still want them to want us even though we're "done" with them? I've thought about this long and hard. I know that *I* have been in this situation but I don't have any answers. There is only one time in my life that I told someone to PLEASE go and find someone else and literally meant it. I was done. I didn't love him nor did I even like him. The sight of him made me ill and the smell of him made me nautious. I still cannot smell his cologne or someone that wears the same cologne. I remember a day that I loved the smell of it. Funny how things change over time... At one point he made me fall in love with him and over time he also made me fall out of love with him. He made me feel hate for him. How can one go from feeling so much warmth in their heart and butterflies in their stomach to feeling cold and bitter towards the same human being?

I have two situations. One has to do with a dear friend of mine that seems to have gotten married for the right reasons. Or did she? Did they do it because it was the right thing to do at the time? They bought a house and had a very sweet child. It seemed that they were so happy. That was almost three years ago. Now they've sold their house and she has moved back "home" with her parents and children for the time being. She has found a good job and they're back with their family. He is soon to follow. As of right now he's still working in their "old" town but is supposed to follow shortly... Or is he?

He tells her that he'll be here this summer, then tells her that he'll be here within the next 2 years. Now he wants to start building their house on the land that her parents gave to them on their wedding day, which has been transferred into both of their names. I think he realizes that she's at the end of her rope with him and now he's trying his best to kiss her ass and make it all better.

I met him once a few years back and again this past weekend. The first time we met I'd stayed at their house while he was gone hunting and met him the following day before I left. He'd told her that he "wasn't sure if he liked me or not". Ok, whatever. This weekend we meet up again as he's here for the weekend to see his family and I'm saying hello and being myself and he's looking at me like I'm the dumbest bitch he's ever met. Whatever jackass!!! I didn't even get a "hello" out of him. Just this blank fucking stare. You know, even if there's someone around that I meet, or say HIM for that matter, I'm not going to be a bitch, I'm going to be friendly bc this is my friends husband. Dick.

He is a jerk. From the things that she has told me about him. VERY verbally abusive to her. It's like it's ok for him to do what he wants yet SHE is not allowed. With or without the kids. I don't know what the fuck he expects her to do. He's at the "old" house, alone-- no wife, no kids, no responsibility. He took his wedding ring off some time ago bc he didn't want to wear it anymore but just this weekend noticed that she has also taken hers off. Why should she wear hers if he's not going to???

She is just not happy. Not at all. She's very confused as to what to do. I told her that she will have to think long and hard about this. No one can make this decision for her. Yet, I know in my heart that she's just over it. She's over him. They've been together roughly 11 years and probably even longer. She's in that place that I was in. She wishes that he'd find someone else so that she doesn't have to sleep with him. She's calmer when he's not around... she's just done. My advice was to sit him down and tell him EXACTLY where she's at and see what he says. See if he is willing to work on it. If he's not then it's time to walk away. But she has to make SURE that this is what she wants. Tough call. And a call that she has to make on their own.

My other friend has quite a different story. HE dated someone for 6 years. They finally broke up for whatever reason. Within 4 months he was engaged to someone else and I believe within 6 months they were married. That was nearly 4 years ago. It's the type of whirlwind relationship that every girl dreams of. Meeting "that" guy and just knowing it's right. Not even right but maybe perfect is a better word. You just *know*. There is no question that you're meant to be, no matter how much or how little time you've known each other. You're just blissfully in love and there is nothing that can ruin it because it's just "right" and you know it without any doubt in your mind. So you plan your wedding, you buy your perfect dress to go with your perfect guy for your perfect day so you can live happily ever after... or do you?

How well can you possibly know someone in 4-6 months? Surely it seems in the beginning of every new relationship that you have SO much in common. That you are just meant to be together. I know from my own past relationships, no matter how little or long I've been in a relationship I'm always learning new things about that person. It takes a long time for someone to complete someone else's sentences. And even longer to disagree with them. At the 4-6 month stage, you're stil in bliss. Throw getting engaged to that "perfect" person and planning a wedding... well that just adds to the excitement doesn't it?

And then reality sinks in...

Fast forward to the present time... They are not happy. He is not happy nor is she. He is a flirtatious person and she knew that and doesn't like it. Maybe if she'd gotten to know him a little better before getting married--- maybe she wouldn't have. One never knows. You can't go back and fix/change the past.

From what I see, I see a controlling wife. I see a man that doesn't want to deal with authority. I see someone that wants to be himself and I think that she pushes him to do the things that he does because she IS so controlling. I don't think that she appreciates what she has. Not at all. I think she takes it all for granted. He goes out when he wants. Granted that he did say last week that he could only stay for a short period of time, like an hour and we made him stay longer. However, there was a call made to her to invite her down with us, which she did take us up on. He was supposed to go home and work on the deck and didn't want to leave because they were kicking ass in pool. She was PISSED and left.

She and I talked a bit that night. She was leaving town soon because her sister was being induced and we chatted about that for a bit. I told her that having a child is the most rewarding experience in the entire world. She said that she is ready but he isn't. Personally, I think he just doesn't want any with her. They don't get along now, surely throwing a child into the mix isn't going to help things at all.

How would you greet your spouse after being gone for a week? Hug? Kiss? I missed you? What did he get? "You killed my plants!" No- "hi how are ya?" Instead, it was "You killed my plants!!". Uh.. hi honey, I missed you too..... Bitch. She pulled up and honked the horn so he goes out to greet her and the puppy and gets that. Seriously, did she honk just to bitch about the fucking plants? THEY'RE PLANTS! They're going to die anyway! Not only that but you can get them dirt cheap right now bc it's the end of season. God it's not like he forgot to feed the fucking puppy!!! Made me wonder how materialistic she really is. Those type of people drive me fucking insane. Not sure how the rest of the night went. Didn't sound like it was that great. He leaves tomorrow for the rest of the week on business. I'm guessing he's relieved. I haven't talked to him much today so I'm really not sure.

Granted that I obviously am better friends with him than I am her. I just don't understand why these two are married. I know that he loves her, he's told me many times. You cannot be with someone for that long of a time without loving them. You may not be "in" love with them anymore but you certainly do feel love for them in some form. Or is he telling me that over and over because he feels that if he repeats it that he'll believe it. Personally I think that he regrets marrying her. She's not the type of wife that he signed up for. Something happened over time. She is a very likable girl. I think she's really nice to be honest. Yet, I don't live with her either.

He has a lot to lose buy divorcing her. I don't know if that thought has crossed his mind or not but if it has I think there are many factors. He doesn't want to lose what he has. Who does? However isn't it better to take one for the team now instead of later when you've accumulated even MORE? Things could always be worse. They could have children. That is never a good thing to have if you're not happy because that just adds to the guilt of things not working. Or the "do I stay or do I go?" Not good. IDK. I'm at a loss on this one because there really isn't much I can say. I can't have an open heart to heart with him on this like I can the person I spoke about first. His situation and our friendship is very different than what I have with friend #1. I have to wait for him to say something. When he does-- how far is too far for me to go? How much is too much to ask? I just don't know because the situation is so different. I have to let things be with him and let him come out of this shell he's in all on his own. We'll see if I hear from him any more this week. Maybe i will and maybe I won't. He'll be out of town on business. I guess he'll call if he needs me... Until then, I wait,

Have I ever told you how fucking much I HATE waiting!?

Day of Truths

2007-07-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well maybe not quite "truths". But a day of maybe/possibly answering all of my unanswered questions....

I have a wonderful gift of doing things that I shouldn't do and not being able to control myself. Not matter how right or wrong it is. Although I guess there's always some "right" in wrong and vice versa, depending on which end you're on and how you look at it.

I did something that I wasn't supposed to do. I met someone I wasn't supposed to meet. He called when he wasn't supposed to call. And now tomorrow we'll see if he does what he's supposed to do.

...Or maybe what it is what I *want* him to do. Deep down, I'm fairly certain that I'll hear from him. I hate to sound vain but it's one of those things that no matter how hard we try we cannot resist each other. I'm really not sure that it can be done and I'm not sure that I want it to be done. I don't WANT to resist him. It's not just a sexual thing. We've done this on and off for 4-5 years now. Well, *I* have. I cornered him once and said a bunch of things when he really had no idea who I was (I don't think anyway... I'll have to ask him) He was actually a friend of a friend at that time. Hadn't run into him for a year or so and did it again, only this time I was drunk, dancing on tables and more than willing to tell him everything that I'd like to do to him. This coming from a drunken table dancer to someone that I don't really know but get an occasional email from... This coming from someone that at times, has a hard time telling my significant other what exactly it is that I expect/want from them. Yet, with this individual, I have no issues. Why is that? Why am I so comfortable around him? Why is it that I can be 100% open and honest with him? Why do I feel that I want to flip myself inside out and totally expose everything that is my being when I'm around him? I have been asking myself these questions and I don't have any answers.

The funny thing is that *I* control myself. These times that aren't supposed to be... They haven't been my idea. They've been his idea. Not that I've resisted because I haven't. Not in the least. I have put on the brakes when need be and floored the gas too.

This is what happens when you put two people together that have an overwhelming desire to flirt and you play off of each other like children in a moon bounce at a carnival... because you can, and because you're just so fucking good at it that you can't NOT do it. It's like when you're a small child and you know that your dad has a stack of Playboy's that he has hidden because he doesn't want you to find them, only you do and you sneak a peek when no one is looking because you're curious as to what an adult female body looks like. You realize you're not supposed to be peeking but you do anyway. Half of the fun is getting caught because you can't resist yourself.

Why is it that you always desire what you cannot have? Is it because people settle? Is it because they jump the gun and don't take the time to be fully aware of what they're looking for? Why is it that most people want the complete opposite of what they already have? Why do they say things over and over again when you can see right through it? Is it so that they can hear themselves say it? Do they think the more repetitive they are the more likely they are to believe themselves when deep down inside they know that it's not truly what they believe? Which in turn is why they can't resist themselves?

I hate not being in control and in a sense I've totally lost control. Not that I'm sure I ever had it to begin with. Actually... the more I think about it... No one is in control. Our emotions have taken over... But is it emotion on both ends? Is it sexual desire? If it is, why does he admit that he thinks about me daily....

Oh fuck. I can analyze this up and down and side to side and I will still end up with an empty box. I'll still end up blank. I will still know the same thing as I do now. Hopefully tomorrow my mind will be put at ease. Deep down inside, I think I know. But I also have doubt. IDK, things changed.... It's hard to say. I guess I should sleep on it until tomorrow.

~L

A New Start

2007-07-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

I've created this blog in order for me to be 100% myself. The dumbass that I am, had blogged at work. Not a smart thing to do when you work for an INTERNET provider with a bunch of computer nerds. Needless to say, they got the address and knowing at least one of them (who would never judge me) was reading my most deepest thoughts and feelings, I sort of stopped blogging on it. I'd rather average Joe's and Jane's read it. People that don't know me and aren't out to judge me. This will be a challenge for me as I'm always scared that people will find things and then learn the things about me that I didn't want them to know. I'm afraid of weaving a web that I can't get myself out of. Mostly, I think I'm afraid of being exposed. I'm a very extroverted person my nature, but there are some things that I don't want people to know about me. I'm sure you'll learn this as I continue to write...